While my last few posts covered the topic of social support, how important it is and how to give it to someone, I thought before leaving the topic I should address the issue of asking for help.  Sooooo scary, right?  For lots of people, the idea of asking for help is one of the most difficult things.  Way harder than giving help!  So let’s look at what the barriers may be and how to get the help you need (or have convinced yourself you don’t need, but could really use!)

Why is asking for help so hard?  In general, asking for help involves overcoming a series of layers of different types of vulnerability.  One roadblock is a fear of rejection. It’s hard to be vulnerable in this way, opening yourself up to be turned down.  Another vulnerability is the feeling of weakness.  Particularly in our Western culture, the idea of needing help is often judged as being inferior.  We’re a “pull yourself up by the bootstraps” society that values independence and self reliance to an extreme.  Asking for help implies that we are imperfect.  Some of us hold ourselves up to unrealistic standards and asking for help is an admission that we failed at something, admitting we can’t handle everything or, heaven forbid, made a mistake!  Or that you’re in pain or confused by something.  We have to show our tender side when we ask for help.

Another aspect of asking for help that can be difficult is our discomfort with certain types of relational interactions.  Many people fear burdening someone else or being an inconvenience.  We tend to project our feeling that we are a bother on to others and flinch at the idea of someone using up time or energy for us.  For others, they’re very uncomfortable with the feeling of owing someone.  If they ask for help, they will immediately feel obligated or indebted.  Asking for help is seen as transactional, a quid pro quo situation that leaves unfinished business.  Past bad experiences of asking for help can cloud our vision for what may be available to us in the present.

And finally, another barrier to asking for help is sheer overwhelm.  When we’re experiencing a crisis, we’re stretched thin and preoccupied.  It might feel like it’s too much of an effort or we just don’t have the energy or the hope that help will be of any use.  When you’ve just had something really bad happen, it’s hard to imagine that something good might be available or that anything could lessen the pain.  We fear we’re a dark cloud that nobody would want to associate with.   Sometimes the ask for help might just need to be for help in getting help.

Because asking for help during a crisis can be so fraught with emotional challenges, we often don’t do it well.  I, for one, tend to have the fantasy that someone will read my mind and know what I might need without me having to ask.  Or, we hint, without explicitly stating our need, and then feel let down if someone doesn’t pick up on it. 

Here are a few tips to try to be more effective in asking for help.  First, be as clear as you can about what you need.  Reducing miscommunication will increase the likelihood of you getting what you want and, in fact, makes it easier for the giver.  For example, it’s ok to ask someone if they have some time, as you could really use someone to listen.  And it’s ok to gently let someone know when they have misunderstood you or if they are saying things that are not helpful (“dumping in,” as is described in the last post).  Acknowledge their desire to be of help, but give feedback as to what you might prefer.  And if possible, try to match the ask to the person who can make it happen.  For example, some people are better at doing tasks for you, such as helping with a ride, and some people are better at emotional support.  Some people are good at connecting you with resources and some are good at knowing how to get you to laugh when you need it. It might be of great benefit to let someone organize your help with one of the great websites that allow people to sign up for the help they can offer (Slack for example).

And finally, the most important thing when asking for help is to allow yourself to receive it.   Don’t apologize for asking or act like you’re doing something wrong or shameful.  While someone may not be able to fix a situation or make things right again, they may be able to ease your burden.  Because, for heavens sake, it’s not all about you! (JK, it is). It might help to remember there is a LOT of research that shows how beneficial it is to the GIVER to do something that’s helpful.  By asking, you give someone an opportunity to feel a sense of purpose, connection, and a way to increase their feel good hormones.  When we receive with dignity, we validate the value of the relationships in our lives.  Allowing yourself to be loved and cared for is a key component to getting the help you need.  This will not only make your life easier, but will also make you and others happier.  

As a follow up to my last post, which was a follow up to the post before, I am continuing to reflect on the importance of social support.  As a therapist who often hears the sadness and feelings of isolation that people can feel when they’re going through a hard time, I see a pattern of well intentioned people actually causing more pain for people that need the comfort.  Unfortunately it’s not uncommon for people to pull away from someone who needs help out of fear of not knowing what to say or do.  Or, in trying to be helpful, mistake their own feelings and needs for the other persons and burden them rather than support them.  In today’s post, I want to share a creative concept that I hope makes you feel more confident in being there for someone and will help you be more helpful.

My brother recently sent me an article he saw in the LA Times describing “Ring Theory” that succinctly and with good imagery helps create rules for providing helpful support.  I need to give credit to Psychology Today writers for giving additional background.  The concept of Ring Theory was started by Susan Silk, a clinical psychologist, and her friend, Barry Goldman, after her experience with breast cancer.  What Dr. Silk noticed doing her difficult journey was that people often, believing they were offering support, would vent or give opinions in an attempt to “fix” her situation.  In sharing their emotional reactions about her experience, they  inadvertently made it about themselves, when what she wanted was to be given comfort.  In reflecting on what was needed, the idea of Ring Theory was developed to guide people toward offering a specific type of support most needed during a period of crisis. 

To create the rings, start by drawing a ring around the name of the person who is at the center of the current trauma.  Then draw a ring around this ring and put in the name of the person or people next closest to the trauma.  Continue adding concentric circles, repeating the process of adding more intimate family and friends closer and more distant family and community in the outer circles.  What you have now created is what Silk describes as a “kvetching order.” (kvetch=whining/complaining)

Now come the rules, simply put in four words:  Comfort In.  Dump Out.  

In other words, whoever is in the centermost ring gets to whine, complain, cry, and vent as much as they need and want to.  The other people also get to freely express their feelings and concerns, but the big difference is to whom they can direct their fears and negative feelings.  They can only direct these feelings to someone in a larger circle than their own.  That is the idea of “dumping out”; you express and process your pain with someone who is less affected by the trauma.  In this way, the circles protects people who need to be listened to and cared for, without creating further burden on them. 

For example, if your friend just lost her mother to cancer, your role would be to listen and tell her you are sorry for her loss and ask what she might need (comfort in).  You would bring a dish of food to help feed her family.  But the fears you have of cancer or how hard it will be to lose your own mother should be shared with your own friends or family who can help support you with your worries, as they’re in a ring larger than your own.  Fears and anxieties are normal responses to a crisis, but should not be dumped “in” on the person in crisis, but dumped “out” toward someone who can comfort you.

Think back to the times you were most comforted by someone.  It probably did not sound like,”You should hear what happened to me,” or “Here’s what I would do” or even, “This is making me so sad.”  Comfort and caring for someone in crisis focuses on giving the person your time and attention to say what they feel and need.  Most often, it’s not what you say at all, but your being present that provides the comfort of not being alone in the crisis.  Sharing the burden offers relief and reduces stress.  It also might be good to do some practical things like cleaning the house for them or offering child care.  

I think the creation of rings is, in essence, a way to acknowledge and create boundaries.  Often during a crisis, roles and feelings can be confusing as emotions are high and there is most often a lot of uncertainty.  We all react differently depending on our histories and resources.  Finding where you are in the layers of rings can be a great way to identify what role you can play for others and who can be there for you.  Who you should comfort and who you can dump your own stuff on.   Because in general, there’s never a right or wrong thing to feel or say when something traumatic happens, but there can be a right or wrong person to say these things to.  Rings help remind us what role we should play at a particular time in our circles of love.