“It’s so hard to meet people,” is a phrase I heard echoed by many last night in the group I led.  It’s such a common frustration, but even more so since the pandemic changed our world of interacting in such profound ways. So as a follow up to my last post about the importance of social support and the risks, both physically and emotionally of loneliness, I thought I would focus this post on what we can do about it.

First, it might be good to take stock of what social supports you do have and what might need strengthening. There are different types of support.  Emotional support is what people think about most often when we think of connection.  It’s the people who listen to you, show empathy, and tell you they care about you.  They check in on you when you are going through a hard time.  Another type of social support is practical help.  These are the people who you can turn to when you need someone to watch your child, help you move a couch, or lend you a tool.  They make the tasks of daily life easier to get through.  Information sharing is another form of social support.  It can be very helpful to have people who can give you resources or share information about how to get something accomplished such as planning an event or looking for a new job.  

Our network of social support ebbs and flows depending on our age and circumstance.  If you went to college, remember how easy it was to find someone to hang out with?  Just step out of your dorm room and there would be plenty of people hanging out in the hallway to chat with.  But now that you’re older, living in the house you always wanted, it may be much harder to have that spontaneous companionship.   People often have to make changes to their support network when they experience important life changes.  Becoming a parent or losing a spouse are often times when people may need to expand their social network to find people who are a good fit for their new circumstances.  A conscious change in lifestyle is another time when we need to renegotiate our relationships.  If you are quitting drinking or smoking, you may need to find people who can support your new choice in behaviors.  Or if you allow yourself the opportunity to take on a new hobby or explore a new identity or value set, you may really benefit from the support of joining like minded people to offer advice, knowledge, or encouragement.

Once you realize the type of support you’re looking for, it helps to have a plan of how you might find it.  The first step in your plan will most likely be getting comfortable with the fact that you will have to take some social risks (ahhhh!).  But you can do it and it gets easier with practice.  Seeking out people and introducing yourself can feel so vulnerable, but it’s much easier if you join a club or get involved in an activity or attend an event where you are more likely to meet people with something in common and a way to talk to them.  Volunteering or taking a class gives you a structure to be around people with a common activity and goal, which should make it easier to strike up that conversation.

You can also reevaluate your current social network.  Sometimes people will give you what you need if you let them know you need it.  We’re often afraid to let people know what we’re feeling, but sharing your vulnerability with others is an important way to build intimacy and understanding.  In addition, be the support for someone else that you would like to have.  We often get into habits and patterns with friendships.  If you offer to help someone move their piano, they will remember your generosity and be more likely to offer help when you need it.  And don’t be afraid to accept help, either.  Allowing someone the good feeling of being there for you deepens friendships.  When reciprocity is mutual, it increases the likelihood that a source of social support will stand the test of time.  This goes for sharing more than just things.  In order to feel accepted by others, we need to give them the chance to know who we really are.  And we need to be accepting of them.  Honesty and authenticity are truly foundations to strengthening our current relationships and feeling accepted and good about ourselves.

A good social network, like any good relationship, takes nurturing.  We can’t expect people to be there for us when we need it if we haven’t kept up our connections.  While it’s so easy to lose touch with people, small gestures can make a big difference.  Remembering someone’s birthday or the anniversary of a difficult date can mean a lot.  And picking up the phone when someone calls or returning an email sends a message that they matter.  Like our health, it helps to get in a routine of eating and exercising.  Taking 15 minutes out of your day to speak to someone or reach out is a powerful use of your time.

And yes, our phones can be a great way to connect, but it has its limits and drawbacks.  While staring at our phones, we miss making eye contact with people and the chance to acknowledge and share in what is happening around us. Having our headphones in sends a message that we’re occupied and don’t want to be bothered with conversation. Take stock in how you’re using your technology.  Is it enhancing positive and deep connection or making you feel less than or more alone?  Are you giving a message to others that you are present and interested or are you looking at your phone out of the corner of your eye while someone is telling you a story?  It’s so easy to be unaware of small gestures that may be adding up to increase our sense of isolation from one another. 

There is no doubt that working to expand our network takes patience and courage.  Research has shown that in the process of using our phones while in public or texting instead of calling, we have actually lost our confidence at being social.  We have grown more intimidated by the possibility of rejection.  In his Surgeon General ‘s Report on the epidemic of loneliness, Dr. Vivek calls on workplaces, schools, technology companies, and community organizations to make changes that will boost the country’s connectedness.  He advocates for setting up environments and activities that increase authentic interpersonal engagement.  But we can do a lot personally just with some important small changes in our daily life.  

One of the biggest tools in the social engagement tool box?  A simple smile.  We are drawn to bond with people who show us that they are friendly and interested in interacting with us.  A smile is like a welcome sign that says you are open and willing to engage.  And besides, smiling actually releases a feel good hormone in your body.  So even if no one smiles back at you, your smile will make you feel better, nonetheless!