“It’s so hard to meet people,” is a phrase I heard echoed by many last night in the group I led.  It’s such a common frustration, but even more so since the pandemic changed our world of interacting in such profound ways. So as a follow up to my last post about the importance of social support and the risks, both physically and emotionally of loneliness, I thought I would focus this post on what we can do about it.

First, it might be good to take stock of what social supports you do have and what might need strengthening. There are different types of support.  Emotional support is what people think about most often when we think of connection.  It’s the people who listen to you, show empathy, and tell you they care about you.  They check in on you when you are going through a hard time.  Another type of social support is practical help.  These are the people who you can turn to when you need someone to watch your child, help you move a couch, or lend you a tool.  They make the tasks of daily life easier to get through.  Information sharing is another form of social support.  It can be very helpful to have people who can give you resources or share information about how to get something accomplished such as planning an event or looking for a new job.  

Our network of social support ebbs and flows depending on our age and circumstance.  If you went to college, remember how easy it was to find someone to hang out with?  Just step out of your dorm room and there would be plenty of people hanging out in the hallway to chat with.  But now that you’re older, living in the house you always wanted, it may be much harder to have that spontaneous companionship.   People often have to make changes to their support network when they experience important life changes.  Becoming a parent or losing a spouse are often times when people may need to expand their social network to find people who are a good fit for their new circumstances.  A conscious change in lifestyle is another time when we need to renegotiate our relationships.  If you are quitting drinking or smoking, you may need to find people who can support your new choice in behaviors.  Or if you allow yourself the opportunity to take on a new hobby or explore a new identity or value set, you may really benefit from the support of joining like minded people to offer advice, knowledge, or encouragement.

Once you realize the type of support you’re looking for, it helps to have a plan of how you might find it.  The first step in your plan will most likely be getting comfortable with the fact that you will have to take some social risks (ahhhh!).  But you can do it and it gets easier with practice.  Seeking out people and introducing yourself can feel so vulnerable, but it’s much easier if you join a club or get involved in an activity or attend an event where you are more likely to meet people with something in common and a way to talk to them.  Volunteering or taking a class gives you a structure to be around people with a common activity and goal, which should make it easier to strike up that conversation.

You can also reevaluate your current social network.  Sometimes people will give you what you need if you let them know you need it.  We’re often afraid to let people know what we’re feeling, but sharing your vulnerability with others is an important way to build intimacy and understanding.  In addition, be the support for someone else that you would like to have.  We often get into habits and patterns with friendships.  If you offer to help someone move their piano, they will remember your generosity and be more likely to offer help when you need it.  And don’t be afraid to accept help, either.  Allowing someone the good feeling of being there for you deepens friendships.  When reciprocity is mutual, it increases the likelihood that a source of social support will stand the test of time.  This goes for sharing more than just things.  In order to feel accepted by others, we need to give them the chance to know who we really are.  And we need to be accepting of them.  Honesty and authenticity are truly foundations to strengthening our current relationships and feeling accepted and good about ourselves.

A good social network, like any good relationship, takes nurturing.  We can’t expect people to be there for us when we need it if we haven’t kept up our connections.  While it’s so easy to lose touch with people, small gestures can make a big difference.  Remembering someone’s birthday or the anniversary of a difficult date can mean a lot.  And picking up the phone when someone calls or returning an email sends a message that they matter.  Like our health, it helps to get in a routine of eating and exercising.  Taking 15 minutes out of your day to speak to someone or reach out is a powerful use of your time.

And yes, our phones can be a great way to connect, but it has its limits and drawbacks.  While staring at our phones, we miss making eye contact with people and the chance to acknowledge and share in what is happening around us. Having our headphones in sends a message that we’re occupied and don’t want to be bothered with conversation. Take stock in how you’re using your technology.  Is it enhancing positive and deep connection or making you feel less than or more alone?  Are you giving a message to others that you are present and interested or are you looking at your phone out of the corner of your eye while someone is telling you a story?  It’s so easy to be unaware of small gestures that may be adding up to increase our sense of isolation from one another. 

There is no doubt that working to expand our network takes patience and courage.  Research has shown that in the process of using our phones while in public or texting instead of calling, we have actually lost our confidence at being social.  We have grown more intimidated by the possibility of rejection.  In his Surgeon General ‘s Report on the epidemic of loneliness, Dr. Vivek calls on workplaces, schools, technology companies, and community organizations to make changes that will boost the country’s connectedness.  He advocates for setting up environments and activities that increase authentic interpersonal engagement.  But we can do a lot personally just with some important small changes in our daily life.  

One of the biggest tools in the social engagement tool box?  A simple smile.  We are drawn to bond with people who show us that they are friendly and interested in interacting with us.  A smile is like a welcome sign that says you are open and willing to engage.  And besides, smiling actually releases a feel good hormone in your body.  So even if no one smiles back at you, your smile will make you feel better, nonetheless!

“Hello, passengers,” Morgan says in his announcement. “My name is Morgan Calles, and I am 6 years old. I love trains and buses. Today, the M.T.A. is letting me share an important announcement: If you see someone at risk of falling onto the tracks, please get help immediately. Tell a police officer or an M.T.A. employee. Be safe and happy Autism Awareness Month.”

During the entire month of April, New York City subway riders were treated to public service announcements recorded by children with autism.  According to feedback from both subway riders and the children, it was a definite win-win experience.  Children with autism often have a special affinity for trains, intently focusing on the technical aspects of the trains, the schedules and maps, reports Jonathan Trichter, a founder of a school for children with developmental disabilities, who spearheaded the project.  The children were thrilled to hear their voices on the trains. And for the public, well, who wouldn’t crack a smile when hearing the joy in these young people’s voices.  Here, take a listen:

There is something about the authenticity of these announcements that touches me deeply.  The messages gently remind us that our society is made up of a wide variety of people, but that we all belong.  I imagine that subway car, full of people with all kinds of differences, chugging down the track together.  The person across from us may have autism. The person next to us may be homeless.  And the person next to her may have Parkinson’s disease.  We all have our unique identities and experiences, how wonderful it is to feel safe enough to announce it on the loudspeaker? To be offered acceptance, support, respect, and inclusion for being who we really are?

There is a large body of evidence regarding the importance for mental and physical health, as well as longevity, in having good social support.  But what is often overlooked is the key ingredient that makes social support protective.  It’s not just about having a lot of people in your life, or being popular.  In fact, some people have great social support, but only a few friends.  But the essence of social support is acceptance.  Supportive social connections are ones in which you can be vulnerable and authentic.  They’re the people with whom you don’t have to pretend to be someone you’re not or live up to an expectation.  These people give you a positive self image and are people you can ask for help when you need it.  

Recently the US Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murthy, put out an advisory titled “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation.”  In it he outlines the extraordinary costs in health, productivity, education, civic engagement, and more, of an increasing crisis of people struggling with loneliness.  He outlines the need for rebuilding social connection as a top public health priority.  According to research, one out of every two Americans is experiencing measurable levels of loneliness, a rate higher than any time measured before.  Dr. Vivek cites the breakdown of family structures, the decline in religious community involvement, isolating work environments, and increasingly atomized lifestyles as potential causes.  He writes, “and this is a time when so many people feel like we have to be a certain person to build a certain brand, to meet other people’s expectations.  I think to not be able to be who you are takes a real toll on people.”

And that clarifies for me the real public service provided by those young people with autism on the New York City Transit.  Yes, we should keep our arms and legs in the train when the doors close, we should pick up our litter and deposit it in the trash bins, and hold onto the hand rails, it’s true.   But in significant ways, these young voices announce not just the need for physical safety, but the importance of emotional safety.  They remind us of a vulnerability we all have in needing to belong and be accepted just as we are.  Awareness and acceptance are such powerful gifts we can offer someone.  It sets the stage for intimacy and authenticity, weaving our lives together in a resilient reciprocity of giving and receiving.  Maybe we can designate every month as Loneliness Awareness Month?