After  a long day at work I had to stop at the store on my way home to get some food for dinner.  When I got to the check out, the line was so long it overflowed into the aisle.   “Just great,” I thought, and I’m sure it showed on my face.  I grumbled, sighed, and had not so nice thoughts about the slow pace of the checkers.  But as I stewed in my impatience, I began to notice the woman a few people behind me in line.  She was chatting it up with people around her, sharing with anyone who would listen about her good fortune to win a gift card that she was using to buy her cart full of groceries.  She was so grateful and the joy in her appreciation penetrated my sour demeanor.  By the time I returned to my car I was smiling and feeling appreciative to this woman for my new perspective.

Finding happiness in another person’s happiness is what social scientists call “freudenfreude,” a German term that describes the good feeling we experience when someone else has success, even if it doesn’t directly affect us.  Freudenfreude works like social glue, making relationships more intimate and enjoyable.  Empathy researchers, like Erika Weisz from Harvard, have found that besides just the benefit of a positive mood, freudenfreude can foster resilience, improve life satisfaction, and help people overcome depression and enhance their relationships.But if feeling happy for other people’s success is so positive, why does it often seem difficult?  One reason is that we tend to be raised in a culture that values competition and status.  If winning is paired with self worth, it might feel threatening to see other people as winners, making us “losers.”  In fact, the opposite of freudenfreude is a more well known German term,  Schadenfreude, which refers to the pleasure we feel while witnessing someone else’s misfortune.   Do you ever see the traffic on the other side of the highway backed up in a bumper to bumper jam and somehow feel a sense of superiority?  Or enjoy the bliss of seeing your rival team blow their lead and lose an important game?  Shadenfreude is a quick fix short cut to feeling good about ourselves.  While it is a natural human response at times, research shows that over time, indulging in too much shadenfreude lowers your self esteem.

The good news is that freudenfreude is like a muscle and  can be strengthened.  Dr. Emily Chambliss at Ursinus College has developed a training program to do just that.  She and her colleagues developed FET (Freudenfreude Training Program) featuring specific joy sharing exercises.  They found that research subjects of depressed college students improved their mood and social connection in just two weeks of using FET.  One FET practice they refer to is “SHOY,” or sharing joy.  When you see or engage with someone who is happy about something, ask them about it, find out the details of both what happened and how they got there.  Viewing individual happiness or success as a communal experience or effort is a way of elevating everyone.  No one gets to the top alone, and when we elevate others, we’re often carried along with them, especially when we can share credit for our success with others.  To further this, another FET exercise is called “bragitude.”  Share your good news with someone who helped you gain your success by expressing gratitude.  For example, let your friend know that her recommendation to a restaurant for a special night made a big difference for the evening.  As Dr. Chambliss describes, bragitude is like sharing dessert, both parties enjoy the sweetness.

While it’s true for most of us that misery does love company,  it can also lead to more misery.  If we learn the lesson of freudenfreude, joy also loves company if we are looking for it.  Asking about other people’s success or good news is a way of showing empathy, connection, and cultivating good feelings.  Flexing your freudenfreude not only makes it stronger, but just saying the silly word can make you smile.  Really, just try to say “freudenfreude” ten times to your partner and see how much joy you can share!