The winter solstice is coming this week and it brings me relief during what is often a difficult time for me.  The anniversary of my sister’s passing approaches and the losses of other family members hits me deeply during the holiday time of traditions.  The darkness brings with it a solemnity I often actually appreciate, but too much can be overwhelming.  That is why the solstice is a welcome tipping point, as I know that the days will be getting longer, minute by minute, day by day.  This pleasant sensation got me thinking about how important it is to have hope and the power of hope as a psychological tool to withstand those inevitable periods of darkness.

In doing a little research on the psychology of hope, I came to realize that hope is very different from mere wishful thinking.  According to the American Psychological Association’s dictionary of psychological terminology (yes, there is one) hope is “the expectation that one will have positive experiences or that a potentially threatening or negative situation will not materialize or will ultimately result in a favorable state of affairs.”  Hope in psychological literature has been described as a character strength; a component of motivation that is critical to goal attainment; a mechanism that facilitates coping with loss, illness, or other significant stresses.  In other words, hope is an active state of mind or an attitude that involves, as one researcher put it, a blend of optimism and willpower.  According to Charles Snyder, a researcher in the area of positive psychology, hope involves a belief that the future will be better than the present and that you have the ability to make it happen.

There are both psychological and physical benefits to experiencing hope.  Higher levels of hope are consistently linked to better outcomes regarding mental health, physical health, academics, athletics, and even psychotherapy.  In one large study of over 13,000 people, high hopers (my term) reported more positive emotions, a stronger sense of purpose and meaning, less loneliness, lower risk of death by all causes, lower cancer risk, and fewer sleep problems.  It makes sense, though, doesn’t it?  If you feel hopeful, it makes it worth the effort to take care of yourself and engage with the world.  But  if you feel there is no hope for a good outcome, why do anything?  And the more you do nothing, the more it reinforces that things are going to stay the way they are.  And this is the exact nature of depression, most often characterized by a sense of hopelessness.

When people lose hope, it often feels that the only way out is suicide.  I frequently hear from very depressed people that they don’t want to die, they just feel there is no hope of feeling better.  The groups of people most at risk for suicide are young people and older people, particularly men.  Research shows that young people, especially when depressed, cannot see past their own pain in the moment.  They do not have the life perspective or cognitive development to understand that life has ebbs and flows and that a future holds the possibility of more control and opportunity.  And older men tend to view life as having passed them by, feeling like a burden, especially as they tend to isolate and become disconnected.  The link between hope and a sense of control is important to highlight.  People of all ages who are oppressed often lose a sense of hope because they have no power to change things and are robbed of a sense that they will gain this power in any way in the future.

Want to know a hopeful thing about hope, though?  It can be learned and nurtured.  Because hope is an attitude and a state of mind, it can be encouraged and even taught.  As a therapist, when I first start working with someone who feels hopeless, especially if they are suicidal, the first step is to give them some hope that the work we do will have some benefit.  For those long entrenched in depression, there are times when I have to hold the hope for them, and ask them to trust me.  We work together to identify what is most important to them and how they might connect to this in some way.  Often people have shut down to trying because they feel like everything they have done has failed.  We start small, with little bits of success, that build on each other day by day.  It can often be the small things that help us slowly reconnect them to a sense of agency and control.  Over time, we work to allow them to see their importance and value separate from outcome and achievement.  Often in this process connecting with other people and with a sense of awe is vital.  Awe reminds us of something bigger and vast, allowing us to connect to the world in a deeper way.

And maybe that is why I cherish the winter solstice so much.  It feels like a living metaphor that validates how just a minute each day can lead to a big change over time.  It also brings me a sense of awe as I consider the cycles of time and seasons that I can rely on each year that are way bigger than me. It is a living embodiment of “this too shall pass.”  Hope is a powerful state of mind.  It is not delusional or wishful thinking.  It is an active attitude that helps us persevere even though we know tough times are coming or are upon us.  Hope reminds us that we can move through something difficult and pursue greater possibilities.  Hope is the fuel for the engine that lifts us up out of despair.  

This holiday season, give the gift of hope to yourself or someone you care about.  If you need it, please reach out to someone to help support you.  And if you notice someone in despair, reach out to them to offer connection.  The worst combination is hopelessness and isolation.  Shared goals and empathic caring are the sparks that light our hope and brighten our spirits during the darkest of days.

After  a long day at work I had to stop at the store on my way home to get some food for dinner.  When I got to the check out, the line was so long it overflowed into the aisle.   “Just great,” I thought, and I’m sure it showed on my face.  I grumbled, sighed, and had not so nice thoughts about the slow pace of the checkers.  But as I stewed in my impatience, I began to notice the woman a few people behind me in line.  She was chatting it up with people around her, sharing with anyone who would listen about her good fortune to win a gift card that she was using to buy her cart full of groceries.  She was so grateful and the joy in her appreciation penetrated my sour demeanor.  By the time I returned to my car I was smiling and feeling appreciative to this woman for my new perspective.

Finding happiness in another person’s happiness is what social scientists call “freudenfreude,” a German term that describes the good feeling we experience when someone else has success, even if it doesn’t directly affect us.  Freudenfreude works like social glue, making relationships more intimate and enjoyable.  Empathy researchers, like Erika Weisz from Harvard, have found that besides just the benefit of a positive mood, freudenfreude can foster resilience, improve life satisfaction, and help people overcome depression and enhance their relationships.But if feeling happy for other people’s success is so positive, why does it often seem difficult?  One reason is that we tend to be raised in a culture that values competition and status.  If winning is paired with self worth, it might feel threatening to see other people as winners, making us “losers.”  In fact, the opposite of freudenfreude is a more well known German term,  Schadenfreude, which refers to the pleasure we feel while witnessing someone else’s misfortune.   Do you ever see the traffic on the other side of the highway backed up in a bumper to bumper jam and somehow feel a sense of superiority?  Or enjoy the bliss of seeing your rival team blow their lead and lose an important game?  Shadenfreude is a quick fix short cut to feeling good about ourselves.  While it is a natural human response at times, research shows that over time, indulging in too much shadenfreude lowers your self esteem.

The good news is that freudenfreude is like a muscle and  can be strengthened.  Dr. Emily Chambliss at Ursinus College has developed a training program to do just that.  She and her colleagues developed FET (Freudenfreude Training Program) featuring specific joy sharing exercises.  They found that research subjects of depressed college students improved their mood and social connection in just two weeks of using FET.  One FET practice they refer to is “SHOY,” or sharing joy.  When you see or engage with someone who is happy about something, ask them about it, find out the details of both what happened and how they got there.  Viewing individual happiness or success as a communal experience or effort is a way of elevating everyone.  No one gets to the top alone, and when we elevate others, we’re often carried along with them, especially when we can share credit for our success with others.  To further this, another FET exercise is called “bragitude.”  Share your good news with someone who helped you gain your success by expressing gratitude.  For example, let your friend know that her recommendation to a restaurant for a special night made a big difference for the evening.  As Dr. Chambliss describes, bragitude is like sharing dessert, both parties enjoy the sweetness.

While it’s true for most of us that misery does love company,  it can also lead to more misery.  If we learn the lesson of freudenfreude, joy also loves company if we are looking for it.  Asking about other people’s success or good news is a way of showing empathy, connection, and cultivating good feelings.  Flexing your freudenfreude not only makes it stronger, but just saying the silly word can make you smile.  Really, just try to say “freudenfreude” ten times to your partner and see how much joy you can share!