For me, memories of Thanksgiving will always include the humming sound of the microwave.  My dear mother was so anxious about getting the food prepared, she cooked and baked everything ahead of time so that on the morning of the holiday, all that was left to do was “defrost.”  I often joke that while other families enjoyed the sweet smell of cranberries simmering on the stove and the aromas of pumpkin pies browning in the oven, our sensory experience was the repetitive “dinging” sound of a timer.  But truth be told, all these years later, I miss that sound.  And I appreciate all the work it took to bring our family together; grandparents, sisters, brothers, uncles, aunts, and cousins, all sitting at the same table.  Yes, we had our fair share of family drama, maybe more than our fair share, but thanks to my mother, once a year we broke zucchini bread together, played the “turkey bowl” football game on the frozen grass, and sat next to the fire to warm up.  Now that I live far away and so many of our family is no longer with us, I recognize with true gratitude the role of such a family event in defining and affirming our particular cast of characters as our “family” tribe.

Especially as a therapist, I do appreciate that families are complex and often dysfunctional (you might say that family drama is my job security).  Somehow the moment we walk through the door of a family gathering, we regress to being that little girl who was left out or the little boy who was criticized.  It is exactly because our families matter so much to us that we feel vulnerable to their opinions and so want to be included.   When it comes to family gatherings it’s easy to let fear or anxiety get in the way of enjoying ourselves and being present.  We walk in the door with expectations and sometimes create self fulfilling prophecies by focusing our attention on perceived threats or slights from the past.  It’s common to lose sight of the big picture when you feel on guard and have to protect yourself.

Like many things in life, being prepared can help.  Before you attend a family gathering, think through how you would like it to be and what you might be able to do to keep yourself in a supportive state of mind.  Enlist the help of a partner if you can, perhaps a spouse or sibling, or even a friend who you might bring along to shift the dynamics.  Have a plan for when you notice yourself losing your calm.  Can you go for a walk, look at the flower arrangement, or help with a task?  Setting the table or even doing some dishes can be a way to get a time-out when dealing with a challenging person.  And don’t go in hungry.  Since we know we’re going to indulge, we often come to events with low blood sugar, which sets us up for a shorter fuse than usual.  Also, focus on the positives.  Are there people you would like to catch up with, music you would find soothing, or a family member you would like to get to know better?  Be proactive in pursuing your own interests and instead of reacting to the negative, be in search of what potential there is for positives  Asking questions is a good way to control the conversation.  Come prepared with a few ideas for some things that you would like to know about that would keep things in a pleasant direction.  Most people like it when you ask about their lives or their interests.  It could be as simple as their favorite holiday tradition or memory or their preferred pie or side dish.  The point is, it’s not the content of the conversation that matters, but the effort at connection.

And if worse comes to worse and some family members resort to unpleasant dynamics, such as mocking, being sarcastic, or belittling, remind yourself it’s not about you, it’s about them.  Somewhere in their life they feel powerless and are trying to assert control or power.  Give yourself permission to detach from the interaction and remember it’s not your job to take care of them or even to deal with them. Simply thank them for their advice or ideas and change the topic. Or if needed, excuse yourself and find a more rewarding activity.  (Puzzles are great for this.)

No matter how weird or unpleasant your family can be at times, they’re your family and so they matter.  Having a mindset to embrace the beauty of family in all its messiness can be a framework to help you through a gathering.  You may not agree with them or even like some of them, but you are bonded to them.  Make eye contact, play with the kids, ask meaningful questions about their lives, give a compliment, offer to help and, whenever possible, laugh. The more you can choose gratitude, the less likely you will be pulled into a negative spiral.  The more you can accept what is and not try to judge it, the more potential there is for appreciation.  Relationships do not have to be perfect or even close to perfect for them to be meaningful.

The love I have for my family is more important than being comfortable.  And as I look back on the many years my mother did her best to shop, clean, cook, and defrost in order for us to gather together, I’m so grateful.  Even if I will never love, or even like, cranberry sauce from a can, I hold my mother’s love in my heart.  It was a huge burden on her to provide for so many of us unruly and probably not grateful enough people.  Yet year after year she did it, not only to keep up our traditions, but also to make sure we knew we all belonged together in her, our, family.

Did you feel it?  Last night we “fell back.”  While I love the extra hour of sleep, I hate that it now gets dark so early.  As the days get shorter, it feels like I go to work in the dark and then get home in the dark.  And when I do get home, the lack of light makes me feel tired and unmotivated, feeling like its bed time rather than evening time.  It’s easier to curl up on the couch and watch tv than it is to go out for my hike or get to the gym.  I try to tell myself that 6 pm is the same time of day whether it’s summer or winter, but my energy levels seem to disagree. I just don’t have the discipline or motivation by day’s end.  Psychologists call this end of the day malaise the “ego depletion effect” and, compounded with the end of Daylight Savings Time, can wreak havoc on your ability to keep up with your good habit routines this winter.

Throughout our day we are faced with challenges and choices that demand our self control.  Such self management takes both cognitive and emotional energy, what we psychologists call ego strength.  When we drain our self control energy, or deplete it, it leaves us more vulnerable to giving in to temptations or making choices that require less effort or discipline.  The idea is that our self control energy is a limited resource, and so the more we are tasked to use it during the day, the less reserve of self control we have left over in the tank.  How often have you eaten well all day long and made good health choices (including resisting the box of donuts in the break room all day) only to “blow” it when you meet your friend after dinner and order the nachos with your margherita?  Or get pulled into a rerun of a show you’ve already seen three times rather than make it to your after work yoga class?

A variety of factors can influence how susceptible we are to ego depletion.  If you are under a lot of emotional distress, your energy will be depleted more quickly.  Trying something new takes more energy, and if you don’t like something or imagine it to be unpleasant, this can drain your energy quickly as well.  Physically, low blood sugar and pre-menstrual hormone changes can decrease your capacity for self control, too.  

Research has shown the effects of ego depletion in some common areas I’m sure you can relate to.  Besides sticking to a diet, overall decision making is affected by self control fatigue.  Shoppers tend to make poor or impulsive choices when they’re in a state of ego depletion.  Especially when faced with a large number of options, we’ll tend to just go with a brand name or grab the one with the lowest price without really considering the overall value.  Complexity easily overwhelms a depleted shopper leading to frustration.  Research also shows a lower level of physical stamina after completing a challenging mental task. And we are definitely more vulnerable to abusing alcohol or other substances when depleted, leading to a potential compounding of unhealthy behaviors. Not surprising, we are also less likely to help others when we’re depleted. People actually experience less feelings of emotional engagement when they’re depleted, which is often the motivator to engage in prosocial behavior.. (Best to ask for that favor in the morning, maybe.)

While ego depletion can sabotage your motivation and success, there are steps we can take to prevent it.  Improving your mood or outlook can shift your capacity for self control.  Researchers found that watching a comedic film raised participants’ reserves of self control energy.  In addition, a shift to looking at a big picture frame of mind was also positively associated with an increase in energy reserves.  Those who were able to step back and remind themselves of an overall goal rather than their feelings in the moment were less likely to be affected by ego depletion.  A useful tool was when participants were asked to review their core values.  Reminding yourself about what really matters helped re energize people toward their goal behaviors.  And of course, overall self care was an important factor.  Getting sufficient rest as well as eating balanced meals helped keep up people’s self control reserves.  If you’re depleted to start with, your tank will empty rather quickly.

Knowing about the tendency toward ego depletion can help us to be proactive in adjusting our surroundings or our schedule.  Perhaps it’s better to meet friends after work at a coffee shop rather than at a bar or at Cinnabon.  Or maybe it’s more helpful to go to the gym on the way home rather than hoping to have the energy to leave the house again once you’ve gotten home and turned on the Bachelor?  While I can’t control the amount of daylight that will be available at 6 pm on any given day, perhaps I can control when I get up and out the door.  Rumor has it you can walk in morning light just as easily as evening light.  Maybe my self control tank will still be full at 6 am!

Clock Changing Hack: A brilliant idea I just read! Wait until you have the best hour of your day and then change the clock back to have that hour over again! If you love reading the paper and sipping coffee, do another hour! If you just had a great afternoon nap, rest another hour.