Since in my last post I’d written about the benefits of silence, I’m going to balance it out by writing this post about the importance of speaking up.  Because, as a new book by the famed marriage researchers John and Julie Gottman shows, it turns out that little acts of acknowledgement can actually make a big difference in your relationship.  Simple everyday gestures that take but a single moment can actually be a key to a successful and happy partnership.  

Their most recent book The Love Prescription,  just out in late September,  is hot off the press.  In it, the Gottmans whittle down enormous amounts of data into seven prescriptions to what their 30 years of observing and predicting (with 90% accuracy) marriage success point to as the most powerful positive behaviors.  The very first one, which they indicate is the most helpful change you can make, highlights little gestures of responsiveness.  It’s all about acknowledging your partner’s effort to connect no matter how small.

Each day we initiate connections with our partners that can be physical, verbal, overt or subtle, such as sharing an article with them or rubbing their shoulders.  They can respond to these bids of connection in one of three ways.  The first is turning towards, in which our bid is responded to with a positive acknowledgement, affirming our attempt to connect.  The second response option is turning away, in which a partner gives no response, either actively ignoring or just not noticing our attempt to connect.  And the third way is to turn against, responding irritably or angrily in a way that actively shuts down the attempt to connect.  

In practice, how often you turn toward your partner when they offer a bid of connection, whether a lot or a little, really matters.  The Gottman’s research shows that couples who had later gotten divorced (within the 6 years they followed them) had a pattern of turning toward their partners only 33% of the time.  In contrast, the couples who stayed together had turned toward each other 86% of the time!  In psychological research, these types of data differences are enormous.  And the good news for couples is that this research finding offers a worthwhile and very achievable point of intervention.  By understanding the importance of these little moments that seem like nothing, that could go by unnoticed, we can become aware of responding in ways that are bonding.  “How people reacted to their partner’s bid for connection was in fact the biggest predictor of happiness and relationship stability,” according to Gottman.  

What the Gottmans conclude is the importance of friendship in a relationship.  When you feel listened to and acknowledged on a daily basis, you create a foundation that can withstand conflicts.  You’re more willing and able to let go of potential arguments or grudges if you feel that overall your partner is there for you and sees you.  Over time, these attitudes build on each other.  If we’re feeling resentment, we’re more likely to ignore our partner’s bids of connection which serves to erode a relationship over time.  On the other hand, turning toward our partner can build up what the Gottman’s refer to as “deposits” in our relational “emotional bank.”  The more we can save up good moments, the more we have reserves of goodwill to withstand the inevitable misses or hurt feelings.

It seems so simple, right?  It is and it isn’t, as you can guess.  It takes effort to be more aware of your partner’s bids for connection, and a commitment to doing so by turning toward.  It can be as basic as lifting your head up from your phone when your partner says something to you or stopping what you are doing for a moment to listen and acknowledge the connection effort.  And when you can’t respond in that moment, it helps to share that you want to hear them, and do come back at a future point.

Here are some of the Gottman’s ideas for what to look for or to offer in making a bid for connection:  eye contact, a smile, a sigh, a direct ask for help or attention, saying good morning or good night, asking for a favor, reading something aloud to the other person, pointing something out, seeming sad or down, physically carrying something heavy by themselves (like groceries up 16 big stone front steps, by chance?), or seeming frustrated by something.  

Who would have thought that such little gestures could make such a big difference?  It makes it totally worth it to be on the look out for those little opportunities as they appear throughout your day. And the good news is that you don’t have to be perfect, you only need to score an 86% for lasting happiness!