I’m back seeing clients in my office at the Health Center again.  One of the biggest things I’ve noticed is how much I missed being able to be silent with someone.  For the past three years most of my work was done on the phone. “Are you there?” is what I would hear every time one of us was not speaking.  Even when connecting through video, the lack of talking was met with a puzzled look at the volume with a need to fill the space. While many of us are comfortable with silence while we are meditating or trying to be mindful about something, the art of silence within conversation is something to truly consider the benefits of.

It took years for me to learn the skill of a silent response.  At first it felt awkward and somehow rejecting or dismissive to the speaker.  But as I followed the advice of my supervisors, a restraint in response accompanied by a supportive nod with eye contact became a powerful tool.  What you will find when you give people the opportunity is that they will follow their own thought, rather than yours.  Without the interruption of having to listen to what I have to say, a person will further their idea or, and most interesting to us both, go deeper into a feeling or association.  Usually we start at the obvious and the safe when we begin to talk about a topic.  We tell a story or share a reflection and then shift to the other person’s perspective on what we have just shared when they respond to us.  And often the other person shares something about themselves, which leads us completely away from our own inner reflection.  And this is fine, and valuable, as it can lead us to feel connected, but it also may cut off the potential for deeper knowledge and intimacy.

In recent years, researchers are coming to show the value of silence not simply as an absence of noise, but as an important part of speech.  Of course the context of the silence defines its power and meaning. Constructive silence can further a conversation and destructive silence shuts it down (who hasn’t been given the dreaded silent treatment).  When provided with supportive silence, it can, at first, feel like a bit of pressure to our partner.  But if the listener can resist the temptation to rescue them from the slight awkwardness, what can be created is a listening space with the opportunity to deepen your understanding of the person you care about.  As with all matters of speech, silence can vary in its meaning in different cultures.  Generally research shows that eastern cultures value silence more than the use of words. Silence is often associated as a gesture of respect and honor. Within western cultures, often the opposite is true. 

Silence within conversations provides opportunities for people to process what’s being said.  Often misunderstandings happen because we jump to a conclusion or haven’t fully listened to what the other person has shared, as we’re already forming what we plan to say next. Silence can slow things down so we can make sure we have considered what has been said and what is being heard.  Offering a receptive silence makes the speaker feel valued, not hurried, and shows your interest in their follow up ideas.  It is an invitation to go on, with support, and is a gesture of acceptance.  There are times when even in response to a question, giving someone a moment to hear themselves say it out loud, a silent moment can help them realize they in fact know the answer or can benefit from exploring more about it.  Often our heads are filled with the opinions of others, especially when we’re making a decision or at a choice point in our lives.  Silence allows someone to separate from the voices of others to get in touch with how they feel about it.

I must admit, I’m having to relearn the discipline of offering silence.  It reminds me of times back in my training when I listened to tapes of myself with a client, how I’d cringe with how often, even though I thought I was listening empathically, I actually had interrupted someone with my deep seated desire to be helpful.  I am now reminding myself of that and instead taking a quiet breath.  And to my delight I am rediscovering the power of a quiet space for both of our inner reflection.  And to boot, I am less apt to say something I regret!

“Silence is sometimes the best answer”- Dalai Lama