Since in my last post I’d written about the benefits of silence, I’m going to balance it out by writing this post about the importance of speaking up.  Because, as a new book by the famed marriage researchers John and Julie Gottman shows, it turns out that little acts of acknowledgement can actually make a big difference in your relationship.  Simple everyday gestures that take but a single moment can actually be a key to a successful and happy partnership.  

Their most recent book The Love Prescription,  just out in late September,  is hot off the press.  In it, the Gottmans whittle down enormous amounts of data into seven prescriptions to what their 30 years of observing and predicting (with 90% accuracy) marriage success point to as the most powerful positive behaviors.  The very first one, which they indicate is the most helpful change you can make, highlights little gestures of responsiveness.  It’s all about acknowledging your partner’s effort to connect no matter how small.

Each day we initiate connections with our partners that can be physical, verbal, overt or subtle, such as sharing an article with them or rubbing their shoulders.  They can respond to these bids of connection in one of three ways.  The first is turning towards, in which our bid is responded to with a positive acknowledgement, affirming our attempt to connect.  The second response option is turning away, in which a partner gives no response, either actively ignoring or just not noticing our attempt to connect.  And the third way is to turn against, responding irritably or angrily in a way that actively shuts down the attempt to connect.  

In practice, how often you turn toward your partner when they offer a bid of connection, whether a lot or a little, really matters.  The Gottman’s research shows that couples who had later gotten divorced (within the 6 years they followed them) had a pattern of turning toward their partners only 33% of the time.  In contrast, the couples who stayed together had turned toward each other 86% of the time!  In psychological research, these types of data differences are enormous.  And the good news for couples is that this research finding offers a worthwhile and very achievable point of intervention.  By understanding the importance of these little moments that seem like nothing, that could go by unnoticed, we can become aware of responding in ways that are bonding.  “How people reacted to their partner’s bid for connection was in fact the biggest predictor of happiness and relationship stability,” according to Gottman.  

What the Gottmans conclude is the importance of friendship in a relationship.  When you feel listened to and acknowledged on a daily basis, you create a foundation that can withstand conflicts.  You’re more willing and able to let go of potential arguments or grudges if you feel that overall your partner is there for you and sees you.  Over time, these attitudes build on each other.  If we’re feeling resentment, we’re more likely to ignore our partner’s bids of connection which serves to erode a relationship over time.  On the other hand, turning toward our partner can build up what the Gottman’s refer to as “deposits” in our relational “emotional bank.”  The more we can save up good moments, the more we have reserves of goodwill to withstand the inevitable misses or hurt feelings.

It seems so simple, right?  It is and it isn’t, as you can guess.  It takes effort to be more aware of your partner’s bids for connection, and a commitment to doing so by turning toward.  It can be as basic as lifting your head up from your phone when your partner says something to you or stopping what you are doing for a moment to listen and acknowledge the connection effort.  And when you can’t respond in that moment, it helps to share that you want to hear them, and do come back at a future point.

Here are some of the Gottman’s ideas for what to look for or to offer in making a bid for connection:  eye contact, a smile, a sigh, a direct ask for help or attention, saying good morning or good night, asking for a favor, reading something aloud to the other person, pointing something out, seeming sad or down, physically carrying something heavy by themselves (like groceries up 16 big stone front steps, by chance?), or seeming frustrated by something.  

Who would have thought that such little gestures could make such a big difference?  It makes it totally worth it to be on the look out for those little opportunities as they appear throughout your day. And the good news is that you don’t have to be perfect, you only need to score an 86% for lasting happiness!

I’m back seeing clients in my office at the Health Center again.  One of the biggest things I’ve noticed is how much I missed being able to be silent with someone.  For the past three years most of my work was done on the phone. “Are you there?” is what I would hear every time one of us was not speaking.  Even when connecting through video, the lack of talking was met with a puzzled look at the volume with a need to fill the space. While many of us are comfortable with silence while we are meditating or trying to be mindful about something, the art of silence within conversation is something to truly consider the benefits of.

It took years for me to learn the skill of a silent response.  At first it felt awkward and somehow rejecting or dismissive to the speaker.  But as I followed the advice of my supervisors, a restraint in response accompanied by a supportive nod with eye contact became a powerful tool.  What you will find when you give people the opportunity is that they will follow their own thought, rather than yours.  Without the interruption of having to listen to what I have to say, a person will further their idea or, and most interesting to us both, go deeper into a feeling or association.  Usually we start at the obvious and the safe when we begin to talk about a topic.  We tell a story or share a reflection and then shift to the other person’s perspective on what we have just shared when they respond to us.  And often the other person shares something about themselves, which leads us completely away from our own inner reflection.  And this is fine, and valuable, as it can lead us to feel connected, but it also may cut off the potential for deeper knowledge and intimacy.

In recent years, researchers are coming to show the value of silence not simply as an absence of noise, but as an important part of speech.  Of course the context of the silence defines its power and meaning. Constructive silence can further a conversation and destructive silence shuts it down (who hasn’t been given the dreaded silent treatment).  When provided with supportive silence, it can, at first, feel like a bit of pressure to our partner.  But if the listener can resist the temptation to rescue them from the slight awkwardness, what can be created is a listening space with the opportunity to deepen your understanding of the person you care about.  As with all matters of speech, silence can vary in its meaning in different cultures.  Generally research shows that eastern cultures value silence more than the use of words. Silence is often associated as a gesture of respect and honor. Within western cultures, often the opposite is true. 

Silence within conversations provides opportunities for people to process what’s being said.  Often misunderstandings happen because we jump to a conclusion or haven’t fully listened to what the other person has shared, as we’re already forming what we plan to say next. Silence can slow things down so we can make sure we have considered what has been said and what is being heard.  Offering a receptive silence makes the speaker feel valued, not hurried, and shows your interest in their follow up ideas.  It is an invitation to go on, with support, and is a gesture of acceptance.  There are times when even in response to a question, giving someone a moment to hear themselves say it out loud, a silent moment can help them realize they in fact know the answer or can benefit from exploring more about it.  Often our heads are filled with the opinions of others, especially when we’re making a decision or at a choice point in our lives.  Silence allows someone to separate from the voices of others to get in touch with how they feel about it.

I must admit, I’m having to relearn the discipline of offering silence.  It reminds me of times back in my training when I listened to tapes of myself with a client, how I’d cringe with how often, even though I thought I was listening empathically, I actually had interrupted someone with my deep seated desire to be helpful.  I am now reminding myself of that and instead taking a quiet breath.  And to my delight I am rediscovering the power of a quiet space for both of our inner reflection.  And to boot, I am less apt to say something I regret!

“Silence is sometimes the best answer”- Dalai Lama