I was lucky enough to attend a beautiful Quinceanera quite recently.  It was a gorgeous event with many meaningful traditions, including tear-inducing toasts and a father daughter dance.  But the moment that most stood out to me was actually the evening before.  We were at the hall setting up with a bustling group of people steaming linens, moving tables, and arranging decorations.  Our honored young woman walked in and the look on her face was priceless, taking in the love all around her of people coming together to honor and affirm her.  It really reminded me just then of how important it is to feel seen, valued, and that you belong to a tribe of people who celebrate who you are and who you are becoming.

A rite of passage is a ritual or experience that marks a major milestone or change in a person’s life.  Modern rites of passage include graduations, proms, in addition to weddings and religious ceremonies.  The events have in common a social frame to assist someone into a new stage of life.  They make the life change official, in a way, as witnessed by a supportive community who guides the individual and provides a source of comfort and participation.  The term “rites of passage” was coined by Arnold van Gennep, a French anthropologist, in 1909, who observed the role of ceremony as a way of helping ease people through social transitions.

Rites of passage are so powerful because they serve many roles.  They provide a sense of renewal as they mark a new phase of life beginning.  They also provide a strong sense of belonging as they are conducted by and within a particular community.  Rites of passage can also provide a link to our past selves (tissues, please, for the slide show!) and they can also connect us to our past ancestry. The ceremonies tend to be full of meaningful ritual that is passed from generation to generation and can allow us to feel a continuity of identity in a larger scheme of time.  The rules and rituals regarding how to dress, what traditions are followed, and even the setting of the day and time create a sacred space.  This separates it as a special time devoted to highlighting the transition as unique and special, demarcating it as out of the ordinary and worthy of respect.

I am also keenly aware, as I hadn’t been prior to being a parent, of how important a rite of passage is not only for the individual, but for the people who love them, as well.  It creates an opportunity to formally articulate both the person’s strengths and beauty and their place in a family and community that is both cherished and evolving.  One of my favorite parts of a Bar or Bat Mitzvah is the concluding words of the parents addressed to their child.  Each is so unique, reflective of what that child has overcome and how they have stood out in a journey through childhood. A parent reflects on how their child has maintained continuity in their character, but also grown and changed in unpredictable and remarkable ways.  Rites of passage offer a time out to reflect on what is important and a vehicle through which this can be put into words and celebrated.  (I recall after each of my girls’ Bat Mitzvah other parents saying their child had said they wanted one as well, even if they weren’t Jewish!)

The loss of these beneficial opportunities during the pandemic restrictions was felt far and wide.  We did our best as communities to replace stadium graduations with virtual ceremonies and in person weddings with zoom ones, but I think we can all agree, they were not the same.  And in some ways, I think this is why it is even more important to maintain and provide opportunities for in person, real life rites of passage moving forward bringing people together.  Our young people are looking to social media for affirmation and a sense of belonging. The more we can provide a loving mirror to reflect and validate a young person’s strengths and provide a community that can hold and protect them along their journey of growth, the better it will be for all of us.  

In fact, it makes me think we need to find more ways to provide this all along the lifespan!  Why not have a ritual for turning 50!  Or a retirement ceremony that involves letting go of an old role and a transition to a new life order? We don’t need to make elaborate and expensive events or even invite many guests, but why not provide a sacred time honor our changes.  Besides, I learned a few good salsa steps at the Quinceanera that I just need to keep putting into action!