I remember a time,  long ago,  when I was deciding to apply to graduate school. The thought of going for a doctorate seemed so daunting that I was starting to look into getting a masters degree, instead.  My Father looked at me and shook his head.  “You won’t be satisfied with a Masters,” he said,  “I know you.”  And the fact was, he was right.  He knew I loved to learn and that education was not just a goal for me, but a strong value.  An ambition he, in fact, had helped instill.  While my Mother was a great influence in many areas, it was my Father who understood and encouraged my educational drive.  Looking back, I am so grateful that I had the influence and perspectives from both of my parents.  And so with this Father’s Day I will highlight the benefits of Dads.

A few statistics to start:  According to a research overview by a professors at Rutgers University, nearly 90% of all studies since 1980 on father involvement showed a significantly positive association between positive father involvement and child well being.  In an analysis of over 100 studies on parent-child relationships, having a loving and nurturing father was found to be as important as a loving and nurturing mother to a child’s happiness and well being.  According to the research of Dr. Pruett at the University of Pennsylvania, children who feel a closeness and warmth with their father are twice as likely to enter college, 75% less likely to have a child as a teenager, 80% less likely to be incarcerated, and half as likely to show signs of depression.

Since my own childhood, the identity of  a “father” has changed significantly.  Gender role stereotypes have loosened, thank goodess, as my husband is a much better cook than I am and you better ask him to sew on your button if you want it to stay.  I know for sure  that my husband is more patient and less reactive to my daughters’ upsets and is much better at using humor to lighten their mood.  I’d like to think we are complementary in our styles and offer differing role models from careful co-parenting, but the fact is, just having someone who loves and respects my children as a parent partner is a big plus.  When I am tired, he can step in, when I am frustrated, he can be calm.  When I am busy, he can take over, and when I am concerned, I have an ally.  We are all much better off with his dependability and caring

Being a daughter, and having two of my own, I have thoroughly enjoyed the “#girl-dad” pride movement.  I think the idea that a father would prefer to have a son was a limiting and harmful notion.  “Girl dad” not only shines a light on the special relationship that can exist between fathers and daughters, but I think it also empowers men in the cause of breaking down barriers for young women that they may not have been so aware of until they see how it might affect their own child.  When I think about my Father with me, and the role my husband has with my daughters, I see the importance of dads as role models for how a man can be supportive and engaged in all areas of family life.  My Father set a tone that I was not only respected, but expected to challenge myself.  And my Father also set an expectation within me that my husband would need to show up for me and my daughters.  

I miss my Dad.  He saw me in a way that no one else did.  And while I have to admit, I do get a little jealous that my husband can see my daughters in a way that I cannot, I am also really happy about it.  Father’s affirm children in a way that is vitally important for each family in its own configuration, but also for society as a whole.  “Child dad” is a proven investment for the well-being of all.  My Dad taught me a lot about sports, negotiating, using a vice grip, and how to hide out at the hardware store to get a break.  But I’d like to think we taught each other a lot about empathy and intimacy.  I certainly know that when I graduated with honors with my doctorate, my Dad wasn’t surprised, even if I was.  While his PhD was in chemical engineering, it didn’t matter to him.  I was now the second Dr. Weissbein in the family, having reached the highest level in a field I loved to study.   

Everyone is so stressed.  We, as a society, have been through so much these past few years and layering on that the demands of work, family, and community obligations, life can feel pretty overwhelming. And if you are stressed, and the people around you are stressed, it only leads to more potential for unpleasant interactions.  I’ve definitely noticed people are less patient and forgiving, whether driving in town, waiting in line at the grocery store, or going to the doctor’s office.  And when you perceive the world to be more threatening, you’re bound to feel more tense and on guard, bringing about a negative cycle for ongoing stress.  In this week’s post, an antidote for the stress of daily living…daily acceptance.

When most of us think of acceptance, we think of it on a macro level, such as in the field of recovery, the Serenity Prayer, “accepting the things I cannot change.”  Or in a journey of grief and loss, acceptance being thought of as the final outcome in a long healing process.  Or the concept of radical acceptance, in which one aims to let go of all efforts to control or change things and be with life as it is rather than how you want it to be.

But acceptance can actually be quite useful on a smaller scale that we can apply more often for improved mental well being.  Daily acceptance involves being aware of opportunities to let go of battles that do not need to be fought and, in doing so, reducing the added stress of trying to control the little things that ultimately don’t really matter.  Most of us meet everyday realities (hassles) with resistance, creating unneeded tension and exhausting our psychological resources.  By actively turning our attention to accepting the daily hassles, we free up our energy and attention for more pleasant experiences.  For example, when you are stuck in traffic or forget something at home, or have to wait for something, how do you react?   Rather than getting tense and angry, feeling sorry for yourself or a victim to circumstances, you can choose to react differently.  Everyday acceptance involves being mindful of our response and regaining a sense of control into how we interpret, and therefore how we react to, our circumstances.  Instead of seeing traffic as a barrier to getting to where we want to go, you can see it as an opportunity to gain some time with yourself.  Or if you ran out of milk, see it as an opportunity to connect with a neighbor or try a new recipe.

A few tips can be helpful in practicing everyday acceptance.  First, try to let go of judgements.  We have a tendency to have to label our experiences as either good or bad, creating strong responses.  See if you can let go of the need to label a situation and accept it as neither positive or negative, but just as it is.  Another tip is to remind yourself that everything is temporary.  No feeling or circumstance will last, and the more you can observe and accept a situation, the more quickly you will be able to adapt to it.  And a final tip, watch for the ways you personalize a situation into being about you.  When the grocery store is out of an ingredient you need, it is not a conspiracy theory or a referendum on your own goodness or badness, successes or failures in life.  Not everything is about you!

And observing this tendency can actually be kind of funny.  Attempts at trying to control the world are pretty absurd when you step back from them.  Do we really think that someone got in a car accident as a way to keep us from being on time to our meeting?  Or that the post office became crowded in order to keep us from mailing our package?  Most of our daily hassles are not even about us in the slightest.  Yes, they affect us, but they are not ABOUT us. The world will be just fine without our doing anything about everything. 

And while daily acceptances are generally about the small stuff, when you add them up they can make a big difference in the overall tone of your day and ultimately to the quality of your life.  The more we exercise our ability to accept the small things and gain mastery over our mood, the stronger the muscle will be to identify and let go of what really isn’t important in the big picture.  Most people find it quite powerful to feel more in control of their own emotions successfully rather than unsuccessfully trying to arm wrestle with the world around them.  It’s kind of funny that doing nothing actually can make us healthier and happier? I wish the same was true about not doing dishes!