You’re excited to be able to meet up with friends again at your favorite bistro.  It feels good to be social, if not a bit awkward, as you’re all a tad out of practice. You’ve been sticking to your meal plan to lose those pandemic pounds, but when the waitress gets to the table, something strange happens.  It’s like you’re possessed.  Some evil spirit has taken over your body.  You intended to order the fish, but after you hear the rest of your table all order the pasta special, although your mind is saying “grilled halibut plate,” you hear yourself saying “Me, too” for the pasta special. Is this some Covid 19 symptom?  Some glitch in your brain processing from two years of being at home?

Don’t worry, nothing is wrong.  You’ve engaged in a natural human tendency that you may have forgotten in social isolation.  It’s called norm matching and it’s a common social phenomenon that’s been documented for centuries.  It refers to the influence that other people have on our behavior as we match our choices to what we sense is the consensus around us.  While this may seem like a weakness, it actually is a way humans have evolved to get along in groups.  In order to survive, belonging to a tribe was essential.  It literally became hard wired into our brain that we need to adopt the behaviors of others for our safety. At some subconscious level, our brains scan the environment and nudge us to do what everyone else is doing.  In fact, a study published in the Journal of Cognitive Neuroscience found that norm matching elicits the same response in our brain that rewards do!  And by making us feel good, rewards make it more likely that we do something again.

Research also shows that norm matching influences a lot more of our behavior than we realize, as it happens all around us wherever we go – in a restaurant, at the airport, at work, or at a sporting event.  The tendency for norm matching creates cultures that we participate in without us even being aware.  It can be such a strong influence that during that restaurant meal we will eat as much as others in terms of portion size and even  lift our forks in harmony with others.  We humans are very sensitive to non-verbal cues.  We will mirror those around us, silently monitoring what they are doing and how they are reacting.  Our natural instinct is to fit in, even with people we don’t know.  Just take a look next time you are standing in line at a concert or preparing for the security check at the airport.  We are copy cats.

Most of the time norm matching helps us to move smoothly in the world.  But other times it can be a bad influence when we want to be different.  So how do we avoid the trap of having a cigarette because other people are smoking or not talking about certain topics at work because no one else does?  The biggest tool is your awareness.  If you put your attention to what the rules of belonging seem to be in any situation, you can step back from it with intention.  For example, at the restaurant, it might help to be the first to order to avoid being influenced by what others choose.  Or call the shot in a certain situation, shifting an old norm in a new way, such as meeting in a smaller group at work to discuss an issue. Research shows that the norm matching effect lessens when the size of the group is smaller.  

Shucking the norm is not easy, though, as 20,000 years of evolution is a powerful force.  But by being aware of the tendency toward norm matching you can be better equipped to resist its impact.  You can also increase your tolerance for the discomfort of “not belonging” with practice, making unique choices and seeing that while you may be self conscious, nothing bad actually happens.  Won’t it be a relief to know that you won’t be eaten by a saber tooth tiger if you don’t order the pasta special after all!