We all have those things we dream about with the hope that “one day” we’ll do them.  As we imagine it, we tip our head up and get that far away look, anticipating the joy it will bring to reach that one day.  We smile as we get a little taste of our goal and relish in the way things will be when we do.  Although it’s a wonderful time, that one day, it’s also a little bit of a lie we tell ourselves to feel better in the now.  But like most little lies, this one has consequences, and it just might be worth confronting our one day, today.

Listening in to our “one day” thoughts can be a helpful way to identify what’s important to us.  For example, when we dream that one day we’ll travel to India or one day learn how to play the guitar, it gives us a guide to what we may want or need.  Since it’s not right now, it’s not going to cost us anything, so we have nothing to lose by dreaming.  It can be a safe way to experiment with who we might be if we had the courage or resources.  But “one day” can also be an excuse.  We can reduce our anxiety about accomplishing something by fooling ourselves into thinking we’ll do it in the future.  We can reduce the pain that might actually motivate us to make the change by putting it off as something that will happen, rather than something that needs to happen.  For example, when we tell ourselves that “one day” we’ll quit smoking or “one day” we’ll leave a job that is overburdening, we take ourselves off the hook to take action.

What I find for myself and many of the people I work with is that exploring our “one day” can be fruitful.  In doing so, we can identify the barriers that might be in the way.  Sometimes we put off taking action because it just feels too overwhelming.  We see the big picture, but we get paralyzed in how to get there.  By stepping back from our “one day” goal, we can break it apart into smaller and smaller pieces, so that it gets down to a manageable size step.  It often helps to have the support of someone you trust to do this with together.  Someone else isn’t going to be as emotionally paralyzed as you are when thinking about it, as “one day” goals tend to have a lot of feeling surrounding them.  They are often in the one day category because they represent something that scares us or feels very vulnerable to do.  Having a friend or counselor to guide us, we gain a rational perspective as to a first step, as well as have a cheerleader who supports us when we take a risk in the one day direction.

And sometimes when we explore our one day dreams, we realize they are just that, dreams.  They provide a fun escape and let us think or plan something that gives us an anticipation without much effort.  Sometimes a one day idea is just that, a perfect thing for “one day” in the future, but not right now. It may not be a priority for you right now, or maybe ever, but it’s nice to play around with the idea.  “One day” can be a form of relief or a way of trying something on as you think about what it might be like one day.  One day thinking can be a form of practice or even preparation.  Sometimes the first step to a goal is just allowing yourself to think it.

The more you can get comfortable with your one day ideas, the more you can take control and make choices about them.  Whether you choose to let them stay as a one day activity or decide to work on moving closer to that one day, the point is to connect more closely with what appeals to you about them. You can also let go of some of the guilt in not having done that one day something, as you have thought it through, and made it a decision.  “One days” are options, and just as in every choice we make, the more we are aware of them, the more at peace we are about them.  Your one day could be tomorrow or one day that never comes.  What matters is the awareness that you get to decide when you are ready and how you will get there. Because when the time comes, we may, in fact, have the power to turn the “One Day” into a “Day One” of a new and better way of being .

You’re excited to be able to meet up with friends again at your favorite bistro.  It feels good to be social, if not a bit awkward, as you’re all a tad out of practice. You’ve been sticking to your meal plan to lose those pandemic pounds, but when the waitress gets to the table, something strange happens.  It’s like you’re possessed.  Some evil spirit has taken over your body.  You intended to order the fish, but after you hear the rest of your table all order the pasta special, although your mind is saying “grilled halibut plate,” you hear yourself saying “Me, too” for the pasta special. Is this some Covid 19 symptom?  Some glitch in your brain processing from two years of being at home?

Don’t worry, nothing is wrong.  You’ve engaged in a natural human tendency that you may have forgotten in social isolation.  It’s called norm matching and it’s a common social phenomenon that’s been documented for centuries.  It refers to the influence that other people have on our behavior as we match our choices to what we sense is the consensus around us.  While this may seem like a weakness, it actually is a way humans have evolved to get along in groups.  In order to survive, belonging to a tribe was essential.  It literally became hard wired into our brain that we need to adopt the behaviors of others for our safety. At some subconscious level, our brains scan the environment and nudge us to do what everyone else is doing.  In fact, a study published in the Journal of Cognitive Neuroscience found that norm matching elicits the same response in our brain that rewards do!  And by making us feel good, rewards make it more likely that we do something again.

Research also shows that norm matching influences a lot more of our behavior than we realize, as it happens all around us wherever we go – in a restaurant, at the airport, at work, or at a sporting event.  The tendency for norm matching creates cultures that we participate in without us even being aware.  It can be such a strong influence that during that restaurant meal we will eat as much as others in terms of portion size and even  lift our forks in harmony with others.  We humans are very sensitive to non-verbal cues.  We will mirror those around us, silently monitoring what they are doing and how they are reacting.  Our natural instinct is to fit in, even with people we don’t know.  Just take a look next time you are standing in line at a concert or preparing for the security check at the airport.  We are copy cats.

Most of the time norm matching helps us to move smoothly in the world.  But other times it can be a bad influence when we want to be different.  So how do we avoid the trap of having a cigarette because other people are smoking or not talking about certain topics at work because no one else does?  The biggest tool is your awareness.  If you put your attention to what the rules of belonging seem to be in any situation, you can step back from it with intention.  For example, at the restaurant, it might help to be the first to order to avoid being influenced by what others choose.  Or call the shot in a certain situation, shifting an old norm in a new way, such as meeting in a smaller group at work to discuss an issue. Research shows that the norm matching effect lessens when the size of the group is smaller.  

Shucking the norm is not easy, though, as 20,000 years of evolution is a powerful force.  But by being aware of the tendency toward norm matching you can be better equipped to resist its impact.  You can also increase your tolerance for the discomfort of “not belonging” with practice, making unique choices and seeing that while you may be self conscious, nothing bad actually happens.  Won’t it be a relief to know that you won’t be eaten by a saber tooth tiger if you don’t order the pasta special after all!