Have you done something you regret?  Do you cringe when you think back to a bad choice or mistake you made?  All of us have things we wish we’d done differently, but sometimes our guilt and shame can pile up to the point it creates a real road block to our happiness.  This Valentines Day, may I suggest a little gift of self forgiveness to honor the love you do, indeed, deserve.

When you hold on to feelings of shame and regret, it’s easy to fall into a mental state of despair.  This can lead us to feel helpless and keep us from actually being proactive to make changes.  We hide from facing the truth about a situation and won’t allow ourselves to let it go.  Many people fear that if they forgive themselves, they’re allowing what they did to be “okay.”  It’s important to recognize that forgiveness does not mean you are not holding yourself accountable.  In fact, forgiveness can mean taking responsibility for what you did and facing the full accounting for what happened.  And in taking responsibility you agree to grow from it and make better choices in the future.  Self forgiveness allows you to stop dwelling and move forward, putting into action what you’ve learned.

In fact, one way to look at regret about poor decisions is to think of them as good news.  Huh?  Well, if you look back to who you were in the past and choose to do things differently now, this means you have grown!  The values that you now have are different, and hopefully more mature, than the values you had then.  Or you have more wisdom at this point, or more self control, to enact your values.  We are always changing and as we do, the choices we make will be different as well.  We must give ourselves room to grow by accepting our past missteps and imperfections as a part of this developmental process.  

Holding on to guilt and shame tends to increase anxiety, negativity, and pessimism.  And  it’s not only bad for our mental health, but research shows it is bad for our physical health.  Not only does it put stress on our mental and physical state, but it often prevents us from taking care of ourselves.  Often when I work with people sent by their physicians to address a behavior change that they can’t seem to achieve, there is a layer of self critical shame to work through.  How can a person accept help and take good care of themselves if they are not worthy?

So, for this holiday all about love, don’t forget yourself.  Letting go of the pain around a past behavior is a healthy and loving thing to do.  You can remember the lesson learned, but holding on to the guilt and shame is not helpful.  Problems arise when we strive for perfectionism, as we then become desperate to avoid failures.  Instead, striving for self improvement must include self compassion.  And if it helps, just remind yourself that any potential mistake you make today can provide a new opportunity to show your growth tomorrow!