I’ve noticed that lately I’ve been really looking forward to my workouts.  Huh?  But it’s been true. I haven’t been doing my usual delay tactics of checking my phone one more time, fussing in the kitchen thinking about what we’ll have for dinner, or stuffing some things in the laundry.  Right after I close my work computer for the day, I throw on my work out clothes, hit the road, put my earbuds in and turn on my…   Oh, now I get it!  I turn on my audiobook and listen to the next chapter of my book, the one I’m really enjoying.

It turns out that I’m engaging in a clever ploy noted by behavioral economist Katherine Milkman at Wharton University of Pennsylvania.  She coined the term “temptation bundling” for this technique, wherein you use rewards (or the things you enjoy that bring instant gratification) to invoke the willingness to complete the things you don’t want to do, but offer longer term benefits.  By pairing these two activities, you, in essence, kill two birds with one stone, getting done what you should do in order to get to do something you want to do.  

This differs from other reward strategies in the timing of the reward.  Most often we think of rewards as something we get AFTER we do what we’re less motivated to do.  I can watch the Warriors game after I go to the gym, or I can call my friend after I do the dishes.  The problem is, if you’re like most people, you tend to jump straight to the reward, fooling yourself that you’ll do the less desired thing later.  But in reality, once the reward is done, so is the motivation.  

The genius of temptation bundling is that you can set things up to only get the reward if you do the less desired activity.  For example, I never have the time to listen to an hour of my book, unless, I’m hiking!  Sometimes I even hike a little further, just to hear another chapter.   In this way, I get the short term reward of finding out who killed Joy (you’ll have to read Apples Never Fall) and in doing so, I get the long term benefit of increased stamina and stress relief.  Some other examples of temptation bundling are writing a long avoided e-mail while getting a pedicure, doing the dishes while you listen to your favorite music, or spending time with a not so desirable relative while going to your favorite restaurant.

Temptation bundling offers a vast array of pairings, so be creative.  Make a list of things you love to do and then a list of things you should do.  See how you can mix and match them.  Check your work emails in the hottub, have a dance party while you change the cat litter, or listen to the training while you online shop for those cute shoes.  The combinations are endless.  Just be mindful of your safety!    Watching  Game of Thrones while you’re slicing the tomato may not be the best idea!

Have you done something you regret?  Do you cringe when you think back to a bad choice or mistake you made?  All of us have things we wish we’d done differently, but sometimes our guilt and shame can pile up to the point it creates a real road block to our happiness.  This Valentines Day, may I suggest a little gift of self forgiveness to honor the love you do, indeed, deserve.

When you hold on to feelings of shame and regret, it’s easy to fall into a mental state of despair.  This can lead us to feel helpless and keep us from actually being proactive to make changes.  We hide from facing the truth about a situation and won’t allow ourselves to let it go.  Many people fear that if they forgive themselves, they’re allowing what they did to be “okay.”  It’s important to recognize that forgiveness does not mean you are not holding yourself accountable.  In fact, forgiveness can mean taking responsibility for what you did and facing the full accounting for what happened.  And in taking responsibility you agree to grow from it and make better choices in the future.  Self forgiveness allows you to stop dwelling and move forward, putting into action what you’ve learned.

In fact, one way to look at regret about poor decisions is to think of them as good news.  Huh?  Well, if you look back to who you were in the past and choose to do things differently now, this means you have grown!  The values that you now have are different, and hopefully more mature, than the values you had then.  Or you have more wisdom at this point, or more self control, to enact your values.  We are always changing and as we do, the choices we make will be different as well.  We must give ourselves room to grow by accepting our past missteps and imperfections as a part of this developmental process.  

Holding on to guilt and shame tends to increase anxiety, negativity, and pessimism.  And  it’s not only bad for our mental health, but research shows it is bad for our physical health.  Not only does it put stress on our mental and physical state, but it often prevents us from taking care of ourselves.  Often when I work with people sent by their physicians to address a behavior change that they can’t seem to achieve, there is a layer of self critical shame to work through.  How can a person accept help and take good care of themselves if they are not worthy?

So, for this holiday all about love, don’t forget yourself.  Letting go of the pain around a past behavior is a healthy and loving thing to do.  You can remember the lesson learned, but holding on to the guilt and shame is not helpful.  Problems arise when we strive for perfectionism, as we then become desperate to avoid failures.  Instead, striving for self improvement must include self compassion.  And if it helps, just remind yourself that any potential mistake you make today can provide a new opportunity to show your growth tomorrow!