With the layers of stress caused by the constant changes during this pandemic, all of us are a bit on edge.  There was even an article in the New York Times about a man in his 60’s having a “temper tantrum” when he couldn’t find his favorite cheese at the grocery store.  So many of us are losing our cool, lashing out in anger, and melting into unflattering behavior. It’s embarrassing when it happens to us, and a bit shocking when we witness it in someone else.  But given the reality of how often it’s been happening, I thought this would be a good time to apply the iceberg theory in psychology.

When traveling in a ship and looking at an  iceberg in the distance, you only see the ice that’s sticking out of the water. What you can’t see is the larger mass of ice hidden below the surface that maintains the iceberg and keeps it solid.   It’s easy to be deceived by the naked eye and to rely too much on what is obvious and in front of us.  But often we risk missing the truth about something because we don’t look at what lies deeper that is critical to our full understanding.  

When someone yells at us or lashes out, their behavior is so shocking and provocative, we tend to focus on our own reaction to it.  We feel angered in response, often out of a sense of feeling blamed or scapegoated unfairly.  But lashing back, as natural as it may feel, tends to only prolong and escalate the tension.  And it ignores the larger foundation of information and feelings that lie underneath.  Using the metaphor of the iceberg can help us step back and interpret a behavior in a less reactive way, reducing conflict rather than crashing straight into it and potentially sinking our ship.

What we see as behavior is only the tip of the iceberg.  And usually what we see is a reaction from a threatened fight or flight reaction.  Throwing something, yelling, or insulting someone are all examples of a fight response.  Running off, slamming a door as you leave, or withdrawing in silence are flight responses.  Either way, these reactions tend to be the tip of the iceberg in what we see, but we don’t have the information to know  what was behind it.   Most often if we have the time and the inclination to look underneath the reactive behavior,  there is a much larger and more complex array of feelings going on.  These may include feeling hurt, feeling scared or worried, being ashamed, being jealous, feeling overwhelmed, feeling sad, or feeling disappointed.  

Very often, anger is what we see at the tip of an iceberg.  Why is that?  Because anger tends to be an emotion we can display without much vulnerability.  When we are acting out in anger, we feel powerful and in control, even if we are actually out of control.  We can do it anywhere and with anyone.  Most often, to show our more vulnerable emotions, we need to feel safe and in the context of a caring relationship.  An angry outburst is a quick way to discharge energy and defend ourselves against what feels to be the threat.  Sharing our hurt and shame requires understanding and a letting go of our protection.

By visualizing an iceberg when we experience ourselves engaging in rude or lashing out behavior, we  can remind ourselves there is more to deal with underneath.  By visualizing it when someone else is being rude or acting out in some way, we can have more compassion and patience by reminding ourselves there is more to the story.  Whatever the behavior in the moment, what we witness is just the tip of the iceberg.  Jumping to conclusions causes us to miss a potentially important and larger foundation to someone’s situation.  Not that we should allow rude or aggressive behavior without consequence, but sometimes, having compassion and understanding can de-escalate anger and help someone reengage with their more reasonable self.  Once someone is calm, then the discussion about the impact of their behavior can be more fruitful.  Using a soothing voice and offering understanding can be more effective in helping someone in calming down.  The less threatening you can be, the easier it will be for the other person to feel their vulnerability.  If they ask to be alone, respect that, and stay on the periphery until they feel ready.  

With all of us locked in and spending more time together, especially under stress, we’re tending to build up our icy  cold ways that can be dangerous to intimacy and compassion.  If we can use the concept of an iceberg to broaden our understanding beyond what is on display as the tip of the iceberg, we can work through our conflicts with better effectiveness.  The best way to avoid an iceberg’s sharp edges  and treacherous danger?  Use your warmth to melt it!