When a fear of change becomes so intense, it’s called metathesiophobia.  In this condition, persistent unrealistic and intense anxiety is felt whenever facing a new situation or experience.  And if you’re thinking at this moment that this describes you, you’re not alone.  In fact, everyone experiences a fear of change to some degree, even when change is positive.  In today’s post, I want to give a pep talk, of sorts, to help us all cope a little better with the stress of change.

Whenever there’s change, even ones we choose or desire, there will be stress.  Change brings about uncertainty and unpredictability, both states that usually bring us creatures of habit (all rational human beings) discomfort.  Change usually brings up our own self doubt and a sense of vulnerability.  It pushes us out of our comfort zones and into the realm of the unknown.  Depending on your biology and your history, some people find change more frightening than others.  But avoiding change can lead to a limited life, staying in unfulfilling, even toxic situations, when we yearn to have better.  And this can become a vicious cycle.  The desire for but inability to make a change can further erode our confidence and lead to more distress.

Making peace with change is essential for healthy living.  Change is inevitable and is the very nature of life.  If we view change as a threat, we live in fear.  But if we view change as an opportunity for growth, we can add an element of excitement to the process of living.  But opening to change requires tolerating pain.  Yes, I’m sorry to say it, but it’s true.  No evolution or growth happens without periods of change, and change will challenge our needs for safety, comfort, and predictability.  But the truth is, if you look closely, you’re an expert at change. You’ve been doing it well ever since you were born.  Every birthday that comes along, every gift of a new day, has come with change.  You are far from the same person you were as a child and as a teen.  You have endured transitions and graduations, layers of losses and first days of so many, many new things.  But we forget our successes as we look to the future. When we fear change, we get distracted by the potential for pain.  We become so focused on avoiding failure, embarrassment, or making a mistake, we miss out on the excitement and potential for growing into a change. 

So how do we cope and put the fear and discomfort aside?  One step is to prepare yourself as much as possible to reduce the unknown.  Do whatever research you can and plan ahead as best as is possible.  Another tool is to remind yourself of changes that have gone well in the past and how you achieved them.  Monitoring your thinking will also be important. Watch for negative self talk and unrealistic “what if” thinking. There is a difference between rehearsing and preparing and overthinking and over worrying.  Make sure you are envisioning success just as much as preparing for failure.  And have a support team.  Staying alone in your own thoughts can be scary.  Have some people you trust who can be your cheerleaders and who can be excited with you as you take steps in your process of change.

And a last bit of sage coping advice?  There is a mantra that is common in helping people deal with anxiety about change, based on many years of collective wisdom from psychologists, monks, wellness gurus, and sometimes even your teenager. It can be used in all circumstances and at any age.  Here it is:  take a big sigh and say the words “Oh, well.”

Whatever happens, you will move on.  Change requires courage just as much in doing something as it does in letting go.  You cannot predict what will happen, you cannot guarantee an outcome.  All you can do is have faith that whatever happens, whether it is a surge of success or a miserable failure, that you will get through it and learn from it.  Regardless of the outcome, you took a risk, gathered up the courage and tried something new.  And what most people find is that regardless of how a change works out, your life will be more exciting and ultimately more rewarding than living in a sameness shackled by the fear of change.  And who really wants to pronounce metathesiophobia, anyhow?

With the layers of stress caused by the constant changes during this pandemic, all of us are a bit on edge.  There was even an article in the New York Times about a man in his 60’s having a “temper tantrum” when he couldn’t find his favorite cheese at the grocery store.  So many of us are losing our cool, lashing out in anger, and melting into unflattering behavior. It’s embarrassing when it happens to us, and a bit shocking when we witness it in someone else.  But given the reality of how often it’s been happening, I thought this would be a good time to apply the iceberg theory in psychology.

When traveling in a ship and looking at an  iceberg in the distance, you only see the ice that’s sticking out of the water. What you can’t see is the larger mass of ice hidden below the surface that maintains the iceberg and keeps it solid.   It’s easy to be deceived by the naked eye and to rely too much on what is obvious and in front of us.  But often we risk missing the truth about something because we don’t look at what lies deeper that is critical to our full understanding.  

When someone yells at us or lashes out, their behavior is so shocking and provocative, we tend to focus on our own reaction to it.  We feel angered in response, often out of a sense of feeling blamed or scapegoated unfairly.  But lashing back, as natural as it may feel, tends to only prolong and escalate the tension.  And it ignores the larger foundation of information and feelings that lie underneath.  Using the metaphor of the iceberg can help us step back and interpret a behavior in a less reactive way, reducing conflict rather than crashing straight into it and potentially sinking our ship.

What we see as behavior is only the tip of the iceberg.  And usually what we see is a reaction from a threatened fight or flight reaction.  Throwing something, yelling, or insulting someone are all examples of a fight response.  Running off, slamming a door as you leave, or withdrawing in silence are flight responses.  Either way, these reactions tend to be the tip of the iceberg in what we see, but we don’t have the information to know  what was behind it.   Most often if we have the time and the inclination to look underneath the reactive behavior,  there is a much larger and more complex array of feelings going on.  These may include feeling hurt, feeling scared or worried, being ashamed, being jealous, feeling overwhelmed, feeling sad, or feeling disappointed.  

Very often, anger is what we see at the tip of an iceberg.  Why is that?  Because anger tends to be an emotion we can display without much vulnerability.  When we are acting out in anger, we feel powerful and in control, even if we are actually out of control.  We can do it anywhere and with anyone.  Most often, to show our more vulnerable emotions, we need to feel safe and in the context of a caring relationship.  An angry outburst is a quick way to discharge energy and defend ourselves against what feels to be the threat.  Sharing our hurt and shame requires understanding and a letting go of our protection.

By visualizing an iceberg when we experience ourselves engaging in rude or lashing out behavior, we  can remind ourselves there is more to deal with underneath.  By visualizing it when someone else is being rude or acting out in some way, we can have more compassion and patience by reminding ourselves there is more to the story.  Whatever the behavior in the moment, what we witness is just the tip of the iceberg.  Jumping to conclusions causes us to miss a potentially important and larger foundation to someone’s situation.  Not that we should allow rude or aggressive behavior without consequence, but sometimes, having compassion and understanding can de-escalate anger and help someone reengage with their more reasonable self.  Once someone is calm, then the discussion about the impact of their behavior can be more fruitful.  Using a soothing voice and offering understanding can be more effective in helping someone in calming down.  The less threatening you can be, the easier it will be for the other person to feel their vulnerability.  If they ask to be alone, respect that, and stay on the periphery until they feel ready.  

With all of us locked in and spending more time together, especially under stress, we’re tending to build up our icy  cold ways that can be dangerous to intimacy and compassion.  If we can use the concept of an iceberg to broaden our understanding beyond what is on display as the tip of the iceberg, we can work through our conflicts with better effectiveness.  The best way to avoid an iceberg’s sharp edges  and treacherous danger?  Use your warmth to melt it!

In my last post, based on my lovely snow globe, I shared the inspiration about the need to shake things up now and then.  Two weeks later, again I turn to the snow globe for inspiration – but this time about the need to have things settle down again.  After the whirling and swirling of unpredictable activity and motion, it’s nice to experience the calming effect of a gentle return to normal. Watching the glittery white dots drift softly to rest in my little winter world is reassuringly comforting.

After two weeks of eating what I normally don’t eat and sleeping and waking at times I don’t usually do, my body is reacting in some unpleasant ways. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been wonderful to have time out from work to spend with my daughters, who have both been home.  But compounding the break from my routine with some family members testing positive for covid, some anxious scouring of pharmacies for home tests, and a long wait in the cold rain for a PCR test, it has certainly been an unpredictable time in unpredictable ways.  Uncertainty is tiring and stressful.  Even if it’s for good things, like celebrations with people I love, and negative test results, change is taxing. There is something about the return to normalcy after the holiday season that feels good.  Having a schedule to count on helps me get back to feeling a sense of control and order.  My body seems to appreciate it as well, as I get back to regular exercise and healthier eating overall. It certainly reminds me that predictability and structure are important foundations to mental health and overall wellness.

With almost  three years of waiting for the world to get back to normal, it’s no wonder we are experiencing a mental health crisis. We have been through so much uncertainty in large and small ways, living with a constant stream of unpredictability; if we have work at all, where we will be working, who we can be with and where we can be.  It’s been extremely isolating and stressful.  Based on the waitlist at my clinic for mental health services, I can attest to an epidemic of anxiety as a result.  To be honest, who I fear for most is our young people.  Many students who had social anxiety at a mild level have really suffered from not going to school.  Going back in person has been overwhelming and overstimulating for them.  Many are not able to do so, missing credits and failing classes.  I have spoken to several school counselors who are unable to meet the demand for services to address the level of need.  I am seeing children and teens falling through cracks made so wide, I worry it is swallowing up a whole generation.  Parents are so stressed and preoccupied, not knowing what they can do or how to be of help.  Everyone is longing for a way to feel normal.  

But the uncertainty is ongoing.  With variants emerging, and with them the necessary changes to policies, it’s so very hard to keep up.  And for me, there is the ever floating anxiety in the buzz about things “never going back to the way they were before.”  What does that mean? In my field, the shift to telehealth is shattering all the ways we have been trained to engage in our work, upending everything we knew in sudden and untested ways.  Online therapy, texting through an app, and email therapy are all advertised options now with unproven results or oversight.  Maybe I’m too old school, but I do believe the value of relationships is being diminished in a world of technology gone wild.  While I so appreciate the value of having these options during a pandemic, I do believe the lasting effect may be the diminishment of interpersonal relating and intimacy.  I am certain this is also a large contributing factor to the outbreak of overwhelming numbers of people experiencing mental health problems.  Loneliness is toxic.

So maybe waiting for a return to normalcy is not a strategy that is realistic or helpful at this time.  But I do remind myself that returning to normal in the ways we can is a necessary and important coping tool.  “Back to the basics” is what we therapists often rely on when all else is out of control.  Returning to a regular sleep schedule, making sure you get out to walk or move in some way each day, and eating regular healthy food is a foundation for all other health.  It is also imperative at this time to talk to people!  If you can meet in person in a safe way, make it happen.  If you can only zoom or facetime, that is better than nothing.  Try to schedule something on a regular basis to provide structure and have something to count on. Even a game night every Friday or Taco Tuesday with your kids. And if you don’t have those people in your life, see how you can connect to someone new in some way, either joining a group using meetup.com, or volunteering somewhere.  Human contact is a vital and protective measure.

Perhaps we cannot control when and how this pandemic will change our future, but for now, we do need to find some calm amid the storm.  Our globe has been shaken, but we can help one another and ourselves by creating moments and routines that will allow the swirling whirl to settle.  Eat a nice meal, put on some soothing music or a funny movie, and hold tight to those you love.  Create your own little world of serenity in which you can safely shelter together.