At this time of year, most people, especially women, are focusing on all the gifts to be given to make friends, family, and co-workers feel appreciated.  We write cards, bake, and have a constant eye out for someone we may have missed in our calculations and lists.  Did I forget my daughter’s coach or my son’s tutor?  Do I need to get a gift for my mother’s caregiver or a support person?  I love how this process helps us notice the many people in our lives and all the ways we are a part of an interdependent caring community.  But there is usually one person we tend to neglect and it may be the most important gift of all…ourselves. Holiday season is the time a gift of self caring may be what we need the most.

Let me give you my personal example that inspired this post. I am a planner.  I make lists, lists of my lists, and have more than one calendar.  (Yes, it’s true.)  Ok, I’m a bit of an obsessive, needing to feel a sense of control having written everything down and knowing what is coming in the days and weeks ahead.  Even on my day’s’ off, I have a plan, filling the day with activities. But inside, lately, there is this little voice that speaks to me wishing for a day with absolutely no plan.  What would it be like to stay in bed as long as I like and have absolutely nothing to do all day?  The truth is, it’s been quite possible. I do have days off and my kids are now grown.  I could do it.  But the key has been that I haven’t given myself permission to do it as it feels too indulgent.

Is there a little voice inside your head wishing for something?  For some people the voice is screaming loudly, but for others it may be a faint whisper easy to miss.  Like me, it may make you uncomfortable.  The first step is to keep an ear out for it.  Like you do for everyone else, listen for a clue of something you are wanting or needing.  It may not come as a conscious thought, it may be a passing sensation, daydream, or even a feeling of envy for what someone else may be doing.  (Ok, for me, it was a judgmental thought of “It must be nice for those people who have nothing to do.”)  You can’t fulfill your desire until you know what it may be and give it space to be heard.

To get you started, here are some themes for what to listen for.  One theme is a need or desire to learn about yourself or acquire a new skill.  Sometimes there’s a secret urge to try something, but we worry about failing or looking silly. We let the potential of embarrassment or shame get in the way of taking a risk to expand ourselves in some way.  Is there a little voice longing to take a voice lesson when you sing in the shower?  A feeling of wanting to join a group to hear other’s perspectives of people who have been through a similar experience?  Especially as adults, we often ignore our own need for support or guidance or the chance to be a beginner.

Another theme is peace of mind or permission to let go of something, even just temporarily.  Sometimes we worry and ruminate about something with a belief that if we don’t focus on it, something worse will happen.  For example, someone I work with feels so guilty about a past mistake she reminds herself of it most every day.  In talking about it, she realized that she worries if she were to allow herself to stop thinking about it, it meant she didn’t care that she hurt someone.  Giving herself permission to forgive herself and trust she had learned from her experience was a liberating and loving thing to do.

And of course another big theme is time.  How many times do you find yourself saying, “someday, when I have time, I’d like to…”  When and where on the calendar is “some day”?  If you’ve found it, let me know.  I keep thinking the following year will have my “some day,” but it doesn’t seem to appear.  Certainly we don’t have the time for all of our goals, but what are the ones most important to you?  Is there a recurring idea that might really make a difference in your quality of life if “some day” was scheduled now? 

The fact is, the biggest barriers to our secret desires are usually of our own making.  Frequently it’s an old belief or judgment that is threatened by our move to change in some way. So this is where holiday indulgence comes in.  Give yourself the gift to say it out loud and do it!  Start with just one thing this giving season.  Try it on and see how it feels.  “Just this once” is still very much under control, with no need to worry about it becoming a selfish way of life.  But maybe, just maybe, it may become an important habit to allow yourself something every once and while.  And if you need my help, I will be there.  Just make sure it’s not on my day of doing nothing. But don’t worry, I am sure I can plan around it!