Like a lot of people, I’m pretty sensitive.  In fact, I’ve spent a lot of my life fighting a perception that I’m “too sensitive,” including my own opinion of myself.  But what I’ve come to believe is that being sensitive is a powerful asset and the world actually needs more sensitive people!  They are often kind and compassionate and able to show a lot of empathy and caring.  But to be honest, there are times I wish I could feel things a little bit less and maybe have a little more choice in how my feelings affect me.  Just like there is nothing wrong with anger, as long as we use it constructively, I suppose there is nothing wrong with being sensitive as long as we don’t allow it to control us in reactivity.  This week, to my own surprise, I had a real lesson in this experience and it inspired me to want to write about it.

As sensitive people, we tend to have quick access to our feelings and they can be intense.  If we’re not careful, we can be triggered by our strong responses and it can color our perceptions and sabotage our being able to be present and enjoy ourselves.  While these feelings can be important messages to what we need to pay attention to, sometimes we need to be able to let things go and NOT feel so strongly.  One tool for doing this is a process called psychological distancing, meaning detaching from your experience and stepping outside of yourself in your mind’s eye.  Research and clinical experience shows it can help with emotional regulation, problem solving, decision making, and alleviate anxiety and depression.  Psychological distancing is a way to get unstuck from a feeling and find a new way to relate to a situation, often giving you a sense of power and relief.

Last weekend I was visiting my daughter who is taking classes on campus this summer.  I was having a great time until my return flight was canceled due to Hurricane Henri, which led to a series of stressful travel arrangements involving a much earlier flight, little sleep, long hours waiting in a crowded airport with angry passengers in a pandemic, and airline staff overwhelmed by things beyond their control.  I was irritated and feeling sorry for myself, sad to lose precious time I had planned with my daughter and feeling victimized by a Hurricane that was depriving me of her. But then I saw a man who looked calm and even happy.  He was wandering through an exhibit at the airport and actually seemed delighted.  Intrigued, I joined him.  The exhibit contained some interesting artifacts representing the history of flight.  While viewing these items, I found myself suddenly feeling lighter.  My goodness, I thought, what a miracle it is to fly!  How incredible it was that I could even visit my daughter at all, let alone for a weekend.  In just a few hours I could travel entirely across the country, a journey that not so long ago in history would have taken months to do at great peril.  Suddenly, to my surprise, I didn’t feel like a victim, but I felt lucky.  And my flight became a delight as I was filled with gratitude at the opportunity.

In the span of literally a few minutes, my attitude and experience of the very same event changed dramatically.  The shift in perspective helped me distance from my own emotions and see a broader perspective, one much more pleasant.  And this is the benefit of psychological distancing.  By taking a different perspective, I was no longer a victim, but a person experiencing something.  How I chose to interpret this experience had flexibility.  Yes, it was sad that I missed out on time with my daughter, but it was also amazing I could be with her at all.  In distancing, we can step outside our current experience and allow for other possibilities.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting it’s usually this easy.  In fact, sometimes it’s really hard to separate ourselves from our reactions, especially if we’re in conflict with someone and feeling overwhelmed.  Some tools to help with this I found in perusing the literature include imagining you are stepping outside yourself and watching yourself from a distance.  Another tool is literally leaning back.  Research shows that when we physically lean back it gives you a psychological sense of distance from a situation (isn’t that interesting?  We naturally tend to lean in, which limits our vision and perspective).  You can take this even further by imagining you are moving even farther away, either from someone else or your own feelings.  And finally, you can shift your perspective by imaging yourself in the future thinking back to how you would like to be in that moment.

All of these tools are meant to create a boundary between you and your feelings at the moment. Their purpose is to create space to allow you to HAVE feelings rather than BE your feelings.  But to use any of these tools, the first step is to realize you are needing to get space in the first place.  You need to notice you are experiencing something and also be aware of a desire to have more control over it. This takes an awareness that just by itself will create some space.  And one last tool that I find kind of awkward but effective is to talk to yourself in the third person.  Research shows that this can instantly create psychological space and in my opinion, helps you take yourself less seriously.  “I’m not sad and annoyed, it’s Cynthia that is sad and annoyed.”  And boy do you want to watch out for her, she is so sensitive!