Like a lot of father’s, my Dad worked very hard to take care of his business, our home, and even our lawn. Unfortunately, he wasn’t nearly as diligent when it came to his own health.  He was frequently quite stressed, had little time for exercise, and rarely saw the doctor until he had to.  Now that I’m married to a father, I’m seeing the same pattern, often helplessly worrying and wondering about him.  From my experience in working six years at a Health Center, I can say in general the average male has a hard time with regular and preventive health care.    So this Father’s Day it might be good to think about the health of the men in our lives and support them in promoting their own health as a priority.

Research shows that men are 80% less likely to use a regular source of healthcare, such as a primary care physician, then women.  By age 45, heart disease and cancer are the leading causes of death for all groups of men.  For men in their 20’s and 30’s, access racial and ethnic groups, unintentional injuries and suicide are the leading causes of death (not true for women).  Men tend to get less sleep, partake  in heavy drinking, and engage in fewer hobbies and exercise than women.  Men also have shorter life spans than women, especially men who are not married.  The good news is that changes in behaviors can have a huge impact in all of these areas.  

Research tends to show that men do not make deliberate choices to engage in less healthy behavior, but they do so because their lives and environments make unhealthy choices easier than healthy ones.  According to Will Courtenay, a researcher on men’s health,  “Men, we found, tend to view their bodies as tools to do a job.  Health is not something they pay attention to until it gets in the way of of their ability to go to work, have sex, or do something else important to them.”  In fact, men are more likely than women to adopt behaviors and beliefs, including beliefs about manhood, that increase their health risks.  In the same way that men  won’t stop and ask for directions, they also tend to want to find their own way with their health.  Because of this, they don’t get the right health information and early screenings that may help prevent disease.

For men, being perceived as weak is a big trigger of shame.  They’re afraid to make themselves vulnerable for fear of being perceived as weak, especially when it comes to their body self image and pain tolerance.   Men tend to avoid talking about health problems and don’t seek help when problems arise as a way of maintaining control. Self-sufficiency is a cultural value for many men in our society, which leads to less social support and decreased opportunities for education and promotion of healthy behaviors.  For a lot of men, health care is something done to them, not something they participate in. 

Research consistently shows that women are important health factors in the lives of men.  Wives, daughters, and other women are important sources of information about health and often play a key role in helping men understand and cope with stress.  Research also shows that it is often a woman who schedules the  appointment for men when they do seek medical care or at least were the one to insist that he go.  

But from what I can tell, women often have had the benefits of regular check ups because they’ve been the ones to shoulder the responsibility of birth control and child bearing.  The role of how and when to be a mother plays a big part in their better participation and health awareness.  So perhaps this Father’s Day we can offer the same benefits to men in their roles and responsibilities of being fathers (or not becoming fathers).  We can encourage and support men in being healthy and insist that taking care of themselves be at least as high a priority as fertilizing the lawn or maintaining the BBQ.  While we so appreciate all that they do to take care of house and home, we much prefer they do what they need to do to be here with us as long as possible!  Perhaps our best gift to them today is to help them find time for their own mental and physical health.

I was thinking about all the young people graduating this Spring, coming from a strange year of Covid isolation and home schooling out into the big wide world.  And then I was talking to both of my daughters, one recently graduated and the other still in college.  Each was strongly affected by the isolation of the pandemic, relying gratefully on a few engaged professors or workplace mentors to make their way in unfamiliar, yet intensely complex landscapes.  It got me thinking about the power of connection and the need for mentors, not just any mentor, but reliable, trustworthy and compassionate ones.  Especially in a year of declining mental health in our young people and soaring rates of anxiety, the power of just one person with experience and integrity can be monumental.

When our kids are young, we worry about who their friends are, if their teachers and coaches will be good role models and support our values, and, hopefully, try to be good role models ourselves.  But as they get older, they naturally move in larger circles and have new authority figures and people who influence their lives in important ways that we know nothing about.  It takes a great leap of faith to trust that these influencers will have our young people’s best interests in mind and if they will offer the kind of support that will help them grow.  Research strongly demonstrates the benefits of having good mentorship in lowering rates of absenteeism and isolation and increasing self confidence and career engagements and promotions.  And research also supports the benefits of a mentoring relationship on mentors, who showed greater job satisfaction and reduced anxiety as a result of providing mentorship.  Clearly mentoring has a positive influence on both parties.  But what about when it is not?  Research also shows the detrimental effects when we feel taken advantage of or mistreated by a person with great influence.  It can have a long lasting effect to shut down young minds and curtail developing ambitions.  

And you don’t have to be young to have the need for good mentorship!  Just this week my boss expressed a compliment for something I didn’t think he had noticed about my work. I was surprised at how much it meant to me and the impact it had on my sense of self at work. Especially in this difficult year, working in the isolation of one room in my own home without the benefit of others to bounce ideas off of or from whom to get a reality check with, it’s at times completely crazy making.  In this atmosphere of isolation, we’re left alone with our own fears and insecurities growing unchallenged inside our minds.  The intimacy of mentorship breaks this self fulfilling loop and allows us to practice expressing our thoughts and test our ideas in the light of day before we act on them.  We get feedback and support as well as a person invested in our success.  How often did we all assume that the people on our screens were better informed or were judging us in some way?  How hard was it to read the intentions or feedback from an audience of two dimensional images who frequently froze up or couldn’t hear or see us?  Zoom fatigue is a common phenomenon, even for those with years of experience and confidence in their social skills.  It’s been a minefield for young people trying to find their voice and their place among their peers.

I will be forever grateful for the people who have and will guide and support my children, no matter their ages.  And for the people who guide and support me, no matter my age!  It’s truly a pay it forward process of giving and receiving throughout our lives.  Nobody makes it on their own, we all have help and people who came before us as our guides. And we all have a sphere of influence, no matter our age or our roles in life, with which we can offer others support and connection.  I can’t imagine a better time to reach out to someone as we come out from behind our screens and step into life once again.