My last post left us in the Action Stage (Stage 5) where we had finally made our change. But no matter what you’re trying to do, if the change you’re making is challenging, you will have slip ups. That’s precisely why Stage 6, Relapse, is actually considered a stage of change, because it’s such a natural part of the long term process of change. Although it’s listed as the final stage in the Transtheoretical Model, the model is actually a circle, where Relapse flows directly back into Stage 1. This circular shape is in recognition of the continual cycle of falling off and then getting back up on the change horse, so to speak. Change will always have its ups and downs and backs and forths. Today’s post is about how to cope with relapse in order to minimize its detrimental effect on your long term goals. In other words, how not to give up after a setback!
In most cases, it’s not the relapse behavior itself that is so costly, but the negative effect of the relapse on your self esteem and confidence. After a backslide into old behavior, it’s natural to feel disappointed, frustrated, and like you’re a failure. But it’s these exact feelings that actually perpetuate the relapse behavior, research indicates. People get so down on themselves, they give up, labeling themselves as too weak or too lazy, or some other character flaw that is permanent. This negativity actually fuels the relapse behavior, as you get into an “Oh, **** it” mindset and punish yourself with harsh self criticism. This continued self criticism further sinks you down into the dark hole of relapse.
The biggest factor in how well people overcome a relapse incident or episode is how quickly they can get back on track. The longer the old behavior continues, the harder it is to get out from under its grip. An important factor is your perception of your relapse and what you attribute it to. If you declare it happened because you are a no-good loser who will never be able to be successful, it will be harder to get back on track. If, however, you attribute it to a bad choice, a stressful event without the proper coping tools available, or a slip due to a temporary situation you can keep the problem to a fixable solution rather than a character flaw that dooms you.
When and if you do have a relapse, try to distance yourself from it as if you were a scientist investigating a problem. Create reasonable hypotheses regarding what happened by looking at the evidence, such as what triggered the behavior, what coping was needed, and what could have prevented the behavior from happening. As best you can, develop a rational explanation to counter your emotional self sabotage. Begin to problem solve and plan for the future. Understanding what happened is about creating forgiveness so that you can let go and move on, not about making an excuse so that you can keep going in your relapse. Think of relapse as a good time to evaluate your self care. We tend to be most vulnerable to slipping back into old habits when we are stressed, tired, lonely, depressed, or too busy to be thinking about our values and our choices. Sometimes it helps to think about emotional relapse as separate from the actual relapse behavior. When we stop caring about ourselves, we emotionally give up and slip into circumstances that make us more likely to engage in the behavior we have been careful to avoid. In AA there is a saying, you take your first drink before it ever crosses your lips. Warning signs might be isolation, avoidance, rationalizing, and romanticising how life used to be.
And this is how we get back to the beginning, by reaffirming our need and desire for a change, reassessing our motivation and our skills. Try to use your relapse as good energy to recommit yourself rather than a drain on your energy in self punishment. While relapse is never pleasant or desired, by incorporating it as a part of the change process, you can take the powerful sting out of it that may lead you to give up. If it’s planned for and an expected part of the process, it makes it easier to move past it. Letting go of shame is critical to moving into a recommitment. This is why it’s often important to tell someone about your setback, airing it out in a way that tends to take the secrecy and darkness out of the incident. It also allows you to gather support and guidance in getting back on track.
After a relapse incident, it’s often a good idea to write a letter to yourself about what happened. It helps to clarify how you are feeling and to let go of the negativity. It’s also a great reminder of what it feels like to be in the situation. There is nothing better than reading your own words to remind yourself about the pain of relapse as a tool to keep it from happening again! For example, now that I am older, I motivate myself to keep moving by remembering how hard it is to get back into shape! It’s often the thought of what it takes to start over that can keep us from having the need for it. So think of your Relapse Stage as an opportunity for learning. Like most things psychological, the more you can name it, the better you can tame it!
RELAPSE (stage 6) – reengaging in old behavior pattern. Task: Learning from relapse what will help deter or minimize a relapse the next time.