In my first year of graduate school we learned a technique for anxious and obsessive thinking called “thought stopping.”  Basically it involved putting a rubber band around your wrist and every time you had the negative thought, you would snap the rubber band and say “stop!”  Yes, I had the same reaction you’re probably having:  Is this the best we can do to help people already in pain?  Fortunately, psychologists have come a long way in understanding the complex relationship between our thoughts and feelings and have developed some kinder techniques to address negative thinking.  And this past week, several of the people I work with inspired me with their creativity and reminded me of the power of self compassion in thought redirection.

What we’ve come to find in research and in practical experience is that trying to NOT have a thought is not possible.  We really don’t have much control of what pops into our heads.  And reactive thoughts are commonly old tapes of things we’ve long ago internalized, often from bad experiences, such as “I need to be perfect or else…,” “I won’t be loved if…”, or “bad things will happen if…”  Thoughts like these are our minds’ way of anticipating what may go wrong and trying to gain a sense of control to protect us.  Fighting against these thoughts is counterproductive,in that by trying to not have thoughts,.they seem to only take on greater power.  

What we can do when we have these unpleasant thoughts is use the mindfulness technique of acceptance and self compassion.  We can allow the thoughts to happen and then redirect our thoughts toward kinder responses.  For example, a man I work with had not been able to drive due to panic attacks.  He felt his heartbeat and his mind race with all the bad things that could happen were he to make an error in judgment.  The more he tried to stop himself from thinking about it, the more tense he became.  Over the last few weeks he’s been able to develop a compassionate response to his anxious thinking by telling himself, “It’s just a really uncomfortable situation because I am a caring person who wants to be safe.”  In this way he reduced the intensity of his anxiety and redirected his mind away from the panicky feelings and on to his strengths of being a responsible driver.  Another man I work with would wake up to scary thoughts of feeling hopeless and afraid since losing his job during the pandemic.  His mind would take over with “what ifs” that led him to the point of feeling depressed and lethargic.  In working on it, he recognized that he was a very visual person and found it helpful to imagine throwing a bucket of bleach on his thoughts and whitewashing them away.  By giving his mind a “love bath,” he was clearing out the thoughts that were bringing him down and making space for new ideas.

Often people find it hard to be compassionate with themselves, especially when their negative thoughts involve guilt or blame.  At these times, it’s helpful to step back and embrace your thoughts for the underlying intentions.  For example, if you’re angry at yourself and ruminating about what you said to your child even after apologizing, remind yourself that you were acting out of love and caring, even if it came out the wrong way.  Or if you are having thoughts about mistakes you will make on the job or how you will disappoint your co-workers, remind yourself that these thoughts are just fears because you are actually a great worker who wants to do a good job.  

It’s interesting to see how people can become so stuck when thinking of how to talk to themselves in caring ways, but as soon as I ask them what they would say to a friend in the same situation, they become quite insightful.  Somehow when talking to a friend we don’t hold the same rigid views or perfectionistic standards.  So as a last resort, if people can’t think of anything nice to say to themselves, I encourage them to think of the most loving person they know, and think about what they would say to them in that moment.  Hopefully over time this kinder, gentler voice becomes internalized.  Because when you’re being your own worst enemy, it’s the exact time you also need to be your very own BFF.