Every year at this time I share how Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and then reflect on some aspect of gratitude (the NY GIants had a bye this week-couldn’t lose!).  But with all of the craziness of 2020 and the layers of losses we’re experiencing, it seems a little preachy right now to be encouraging people to make gratitude lists and to look on the bright side of what you do have.  But ironically, it is through the pain of loss that we can really experience gratitude.  It can, indeed, be a silver lining and a way of finding hope and comfort in dark times.

Both my clinical sense and the research I’ve read strongly suggest that a deeply experienced grief process often leads to a heightened sense of appreciation both for what was lost and for what is left behind. In one study of people who had lost a parent, 79% said that the loss had increased their sense of appreciation for life and relationships.  In addition, these people had lower levels of depression and a greater level of well being.  And just as I have experienced in the 25 years since my sister died, there are times of deep melancholy even now.  But along the way in being cracked open there is also a sense of deeper connection to how precious and fleeting life is and for what truly matters.

With this pandemic leading to so many deaths as well as the loss of experiences and opportunities, I think if we can allow ourselves to feel the grief, it is possible that if can bring a greater appreciation for the times when we can be together, when we can hug one another freely, and can travel and wander without hesitation.  Grief is a very complex process and it comes in waves as it unfolds a bundle of feelings including memories for what was, dreams for what could be, and regrets for what can never be. In allowing ourselves to acknowledge these layers, we can more deeply connect to what’s important to us.

I am very moved by a Facebook page started by a woman, Kelly Buckley,  who was struggling after the death of her son, Stephen  She wondered how she would go on and how she could help her other son.  She started with a small  step of finding one tiny thing to be grateful for each day. Let me share with you her words as my gift to you this Thanksgiving:  As the days, weeks and months passed, our list of tiny blessings continued to grow, bringing flickers of light and hope along with it. We found we couldn’t just limit it to one little thing any longer. Blessings were sprouting up all over the place. Butterflies, belly laughs with snorts included, fresh strawberries, naps, a letter from Stephen’s friend, birds, chats with my son or a moment of normalcy with my husband. It did not change the pain of the loss. But it did alleviate some of the suffering. I started to see that all these one little things were actually the big things that really gave meaning to my life. This path of gratitude was healing me, and tethering me to the present moment as I grieved. And in the present moment, I was okay.

Kelly refers to her Facebook group as Just One Little Thing and her members are “JOLTers.”  It began in 2011 and has over 120,000 members from over 50 countries speaking over 40 languages.

Please have a safe and festive holiday no matter where you are, who you are with, or how you celebrate.  Giving thanks does not require any other people to be present, a cooked turkey or pumpkin pie, or even a zoom account.  You just need an open heart.