Like many people this past week, I’ve been grieving the loss of the Notorious RBG.  As with the passing of many of our great leaders, it gives us a chance to have perspective on their life’s accomplishments and how this will translate to a future legacy.  But somehow for me the passing of RBG feels so personal,  like I have lost someone so dear to me, even though I never met her.  This got me thinking about the role of role models, and how even in my 50’s it helps to have someone to look up to.

Role models, as defined by the  Center for Parenting Education are people who influence others by serving as examples.  They are often admired by people who try to emulate them.  “Through their perceived qualities, behaviors, or achievements, they can inspire others to strive and develop without providing any direct instruction.”  I certainly greatly admire Justice Ginsberg, as her work on behalf of equality was brilliant, persistent, and took great skill and courage.  She emulates many of the values that I hold dear such as showing strength without sacrificing kindness, appreciating the power of words to express and influence, and carefully crafting her dissents to stand against a majority when she felt it was right.  She valued relationships and humor, her actions often embodying her quote “you can disagree without being disagreeable.”

But there is also something personal for me in my connection to Justice Ginsberg.  She felt familiar.  Like her, my grandmother Rose and my mother, Irma, were Jewish girls raised in the synagogues and libraries of Brooklyn.  Her sense of style and decorum, intellectual discourse, and dedication to service reflect the strength of the women who raised me and who made it possible for me to pursue my goals.  I was lucky to be surrounded by these influences and somehow, when Justice Ginsberg evolved into the cultural icon of RBG, it felt like validation.  It gave me hope to see the love, by young women as well as older women, for the ideals and intellectual prowess Justice Ginsberg demonstrated.  With so many reality stars and pop culture celebrities dominating the media, the celebration of the life and accomplishments of Justice Ginsberg as the “elder stateswoman of feminism” (according to the NY Times) felt like a breath of fresh air and a renewed commitment to the values of justice for all and a fight against oppression.  Seeing her face on t-shirts and tote bags, and even on the cup I use to drink my coffee, gave me a sense of pride in us as a society that we valued her values.

We all need to feel this sense of connection to people who look like us and sound like us that are celebrated as a valuable part of our society.  RBG represented this for me and so many women, and for that I am so grateful.  Role models open up a sense of possibility for who we also can become and blaze a trail for how to get there.  In my reflections about my connection to Justice Ginsberg it occurs to me that to find a good role model we need to feel the person is enough like us that we feel a common bond, but different enough from us that we want to learn and grow in their direction.  

As a parent, it’s a big responsibility to make sure that our kids have good role models, whether as teachers, coaches, religious leaders or political leaders.  But we also need to be  keenly aware of how our kids closely watch and imitate what we do, so much more so than what we say.  Our kids will like who we like, approach their problems in the manner we do, and view the world through the lens we provide for them.  As I get older and watch the passing of many wonderful people, I am grateful for their legacy in understanding the importance of not just having a good role model, but in being one.

Thank you for opening so many doors for us, our dear RBG. Your memory will certainly be for a blessing.

I was listening to an interview with a rookie football player (it’s back!!) talking about his experience in training camp trying to fit in with the veterans.  Because they were all wearing covid masks, he found it hard to know when he was being teased or seriously spoken to as the subtle facial cues of his teammates were covered up. This got me thinking about my own struggles in communicating while wearing a mask and feeling grateful that my potential miscommunications with a grocery checker would not result in boldly harm by a very large man trained to hit people.

I tend to be a soft spoken introverted person anyhow, and the mask just seems to add a barrier to friendly chatter I would normally make the effort to do.  I often have to repeat myself, and my corny joke or superficial banter definitely does not feel worth the person’s extra efforts to hear it be repeated.  Voices are muffled, smiles are hidden, and cues we usually can use to see if people are in the mood to talk or if they are receptive to what we are saying are blocked.  Already isolated from socializing, masks, despite their overwhelming public good, can create even more of a feeling of alienation.

Zachary Witkower at the University of British Columbia, an expert on social interactions, states that, “the face is one of the first things we use to assess those around us…and guide our social interactions.  Because masks obscure so much of the face, the ways in which we typically process social information is greatly disrupted.”  David Matsumoto, a psychology professor at San Francisco State University says we lose our social smile when we wear masks, as it only engages the corners of the mouth, compared to a “Duchenne “ smile that reaches the eyes and lights up the face (also known as smizing, smiling with your eyes).  He also notes that masks can hide other facial expressions that can communicate emotions like disdain or discomfort which is critical for effective human interactions.  Masks also damper the sounds and vocal inflections in our speech that can convey important aspects of intent or attitude, especially for those with hearing issues.

Experts suggest ways to compensate so that we can be understood and convey what we need to express.  Exaggerating is an important tool, such as using more pointed eye contact and turning your head to directly face someone.  Eyebrows also can express a great deal as well.  They can furrow, change angles, height and shape, all communicating a range of emotions from fear, disgust, anger and surprise.  You can also use gestures like waving, nodding and being conscious your body is an open position rather than having arms crossed and fists clenched (unless you want to intimidate someone for that last roll of toilet paper.)  

Millions of women around the world wear face veils in the form of burkas or niqabs. A woman from Saudi Arabia, Al Zayer, describes being more attentive to eye contact, tone of voice, and listening more carefully.  She says while it isn’t hard, it definitely requires more effort. On a positive note, there is more of a tendency to laugh out loud and say what you are thinking rather than just listening and nodding.

While masks literally put another layer of boundaries between us, by wearing them, we also have a common experience and shared purpose. And for those of us who love to accessorize, we can think of it as another opportunity for fashion!  Or a way to express your opinions and preferences on a personal facial billboard.  We are definitely in this together and wearing a mask is one of the few things we can all do to decrease virus transmission.  While we all hate wearing them, we can at least interpret it as an act of love for one another. So each time I have to put on my mask, I’m also going to do my best to put on a smize and think of my facemask as the modern equivalent of a victory garden!