The eulogies in Representative John Lewis’s funeral honored his great legacy of standing up for justice and getting into “good trouble.”  Mom’s are donning helmets and dad’s their leaf blowers to become protesters.  And professional athletes are locking arms and kneeing in solidarity.  As we witness the movement, how can we not be inspired by the large numbers of people taking risks to make their voices heard to speak out for what they believe in?  We know it’s not easy and for some people in some situations it can be downright dangerous.  But asserting our boundaries and speaking up for our self is one of the most important things we need to do, and yet, it remains one of the most universal challenges that people face.

Often our beliefs and behaviors around how we communicate emerge from how we are taught and treated in childhood.  Gender bias and cultural expectations also play a big role in what we feel we are permitted to say and how we are supported or shut down when we speak up.  Much of the work I love to do with people is helping them find their voice.  It can take time for people to feel safe enough to find the words of what they want to say, even within themselves.  Often therapy involves giving one’s self permission to express the truth of our experience and become aware of the harmful restrictions we’ve endured to our personal  values, needs, and wishes.  And the next step involves summoning the courage to face the disapproval, if not full rejection, that inevitably comes with expressing what has been forbidden.

Speaking up can often “upset the system.”  Whether it’s a strong family dynamic, a workplace culture, or a societal norm, there will be a cost to going against the status quo and advocating for change.  And one important thing I’ve learned in supporting people and in taking the risk myself, is to do your best to be the highest version of yourself when you do.  Often when we’re in difficult interpersonal situations, we’re highly stressed, which leads us to become defensive or bitter.  We flood with emotions and our clarity and moral center get out of balance.  Staying in touch with  our authentic truth and with the love behind our desire for transformation helps us to keep our strength. 

It’s also important to prepare by knowing your audience.  Before speaking up, create a plan.  Ask yourself what’s the outcome that’s desired and what is the range of responses you can expect.  Rehearse your plan if possible with someone you trust.  You have options for how and what gets communicated. Be aware of the power dynamics and assess the risks you are willing to take.  How does this person or system treat people who speak their mind?  What consequences are at stake?  Are their others who can join in with you?

While there will be consequences for speaking up, ranging from not being liked by someone to being attacked by a force that could overwhelm you, there is also a cost for not speaking up.  If we live in fear and repress our resistance, there can be psychological and physical health effects.  Living a disempowered life can be extremely stressful and studies show it can lead to heart disease and autoimmune disorders, as well as depression and anxiety.  Acting in ways to advocate for a higher purpose gives our lives meaning and satisfaction.  And it is the only way to facilitate change.

One of the most essential features in finding your voice is to have someone who cares enough to listen, even if they don’t necessarily agree.  Representative Lewis talked about the importance of Dr. King as his mentor.  The mom’s link arms with one another to form their wall and the professional athletes have each other’s backs (at least now).   If you don’t have a close ally, I can’t stress enough how important it is to find one.  Often the first step is finding just one person you can share your truth with.  Sometimes it may be a therapist, like me, or another member in a support group.  Over time your courage will grow as well as your desire.  Because once you feel the power in speaking your truth, it becomes an important factor in all your relationships, most importantly your relationship with yourself.  No change ever was able to happen without people envisioning it first, asking for it to happen, and then taking the bold steps to ensure it.  It’s so easy to take for granted that for every freedom we enjoy, at some point in our history,  someone took a risk to assert it, even at the greatest of cost.

“Freedom is not a state; it is an act. It is not some enchanted garden perched high on a distant plateau where we can finally sit down and rest. Freedom is the continuous action we all must take, and each generation must do its part to create an even more fair, more just society.” Lewis, in Across That Bridge: A Vision for Change and the Future of America