“I’m so bored!”  That seems to be a common echo in this time of lockdown and the sameness of every day, when there is nowhere to go and seemingly nothing to do.  But while boredom seems to be about nothingness, in psychological worlds, boredom is becoming an increasingly interesting topic with there being more to boredom than one would assume.  The fact is, that underneath its banal surface, when you are bored, there is actually a lot going on!  Understanding your ennui may be a tool to better coping.

The very idea of boredom is a modern concept, ironically arising as the amount of stimulation has increased exponentially.  As Luke Fernandez and Susan Matt examine boredom, the word did not appear in the lexicon until the mid 19th century.  “Before that, tedium was an expected part of life.”  It is only with the rise of consumer culture, they surmise, that people were promised constant excitement.  So when you don’t feel stimulated, you feel something is wrong or that you’re missing out.  It leaves you in a restless state of desire to do something or experience something more.

Really, though, the problem is not with the boredom, but what we do with it.  Often people seek immediate relief through quick fixes, such as drinking or calling an ex rather than be left with their own thoughts.  When we’re bored, we’re more likely to become internally focused in a negative, ruminative cycle.  People will go to pretty extreme lengths to avoid these feelings.  Consider this.  In one experiment, researchers asked a group of people to spend just 15 minutes in a room and instructed them to entertain themselves with their own thoughts.  They were also given an opportunity to self-administer a negative stimulus in the form of a small electric shock.  Amazingly, 67% of men and 25% of women found being alone with their own thoughts so unpleasant that they chose physical discomfort over emotional discomfort!  

Often in therapy, when someone is bored, we might look for how they are pulling back from some unpleasant thoughts, feelings, or memories.  When we therapists find ourselves bored in a session with a client, we use this inner feeling as a tool to tell us that someone is distancing from their own inner experience.  In this way, boredom can be a useful experience to tell us where our healing needs to be directed.  

Now apply this to the pandemic.  Cooped up in our homes, we’ve been stripped of our everyday structures and routines.  Many of the activities we engaged in that brought us meaning are taken away.  We’re left with more time to think and more awareness of our own inner experience.  Couple this with the worry, sadness, and anger that we may feel given the circumstances of so much death, loss, economic hardship and political conflict and no wonder we do not want to be left alone with our thoughts!  We feel bored and cranky, looking for some kind of relief.

Rather than fighting boredom with a rapid need to run away and preoccupy ourselves with anything (like eating or watching the latest 100 tik tok videos), try to use the sense of boredom as a messenger.  We may be needing some support or help in finding peace within ourselves.  Researchers suggest that when we feel bored, it’s helpful to  try to find a more meaningful way to engage with the world.  For example, while not being able to do anything may be unpleasant, reminding yourself that we are all doing this to save lives and be healthy will help you tolerate your feelings.  Meaning seems to be the healthy antidote to boredom.  Look to activities that give you a sense of purpose, such as calling someone you care about, sorting through old pictures, or even directing your thoughts to creative thinking or happy memories.  Create a path to re-engage with the world that feels positive.  

Mindfulness is a great tool to learn to calm your inner mind and find a way to be at peace with your thoughts and feelings. There are great Apps such as Insight Timer and Calm that you can get for free that can help guide you through the process of using mindfulness tools to tolerate inner thoughts and therefore avoid running from them.  Rather than an unpleasant feeling, boredom can become an invitation to engage more deeply with yourself and the world.  With so much to stress about and more time to do it in, we have to watch for the ways we might be harming ourselves through distraction without even realizing it. It may not be an electric shock, but shopping online for another not really needed kitchen gadget may just be my own cry for help!

Quite often I hear people, including myself, refer to doing something relaxing or just for fun as “being bad.”  New research out of the University of Zurich may be just the thing we need to hear.  It turns out that it’s actually really good for us to be hedonistic at times, and that the better you are at it, the more it helps!

We all tend to think that self control is the key to well being, as it allows us to sacrifice short term pleasure to reach long term goals, such as getting in shape, saving up money to travel, etc, all things that lead to feeling happy.  And those of us who are good at this often feel guilty when we hang out on the couch to watch a movie or just sit out in the yard to read a book.  We ruin our fun by telling ourselves that we “should be productive” and we judge ourselves for being slackers.  It turns out, though, that the ability to let ourselves enjoy the down time is just as important to happiness as reaching long term goals.  In fact, this new research shows that enjoying short term pleasurable activities that don’t lead to long term goals contributes at least as much to a happy life as self control.  The trick is being able to let ourselves really enjoy it!

Researchers Bernecker and Becker found that certain people get distracted by intrusive thoughts in moments of relaxation or enjoyment by thinking of things they should be doing (sound familiar inner task master in my head?).  “Those thoughts about conflicting long term goals undermine the immediate need to relax.”  But those people who can fully enjoy themselves in relaxing situations tend to have a higher sense of well being in general, not only in the short term, but are less likely to suffer from depression and anxiety.  “The pursuit of hedonic and long term goals needn’t be in conflict with one another,” Bernecker writes.  “Our research shows that both are important and can complement each other in achieving well being and good health.  It is important to find the right balance in everyday life.”

With so many of us working at home right now it can be even more difficult to allow ourselves to relax.  With the boundary between work and home much more blurred, it’s harder to keep work and down time separate.  For me, this research is a big motivator and a “Get Out of Jail” card.  Not only does it give me permission to relax when I can, but prescribes that I not allow myself to feel guilty about it!  The article’s authors suggest much more needs to be known about the role of pleasure in well being. So, when you finish reading this, my suggestion is to do your own research on hedonism.   Go out and have some fun, and don’t let yourself get distracted by your inner critic.  Remember, to really have a healthy happy life, you need to be good at “being bad.”

The eulogies in Representative John Lewis’s funeral honored his great legacy of standing up for justice and getting into “good trouble.”  Mom’s are donning helmets and dad’s their leaf blowers to become protesters.  And professional athletes are locking arms and kneeing in solidarity.  As we witness the movement, how can we not be inspired by the large numbers of people taking risks to make their voices heard to speak out for what they believe in?  We know it’s not easy and for some people in some situations it can be downright dangerous.  But asserting our boundaries and speaking up for our self is one of the most important things we need to do, and yet, it remains one of the most universal challenges that people face.

Often our beliefs and behaviors around how we communicate emerge from how we are taught and treated in childhood.  Gender bias and cultural expectations also play a big role in what we feel we are permitted to say and how we are supported or shut down when we speak up.  Much of the work I love to do with people is helping them find their voice.  It can take time for people to feel safe enough to find the words of what they want to say, even within themselves.  Often therapy involves giving one’s self permission to express the truth of our experience and become aware of the harmful restrictions we’ve endured to our personal  values, needs, and wishes.  And the next step involves summoning the courage to face the disapproval, if not full rejection, that inevitably comes with expressing what has been forbidden.

Speaking up can often “upset the system.”  Whether it’s a strong family dynamic, a workplace culture, or a societal norm, there will be a cost to going against the status quo and advocating for change.  And one important thing I’ve learned in supporting people and in taking the risk myself, is to do your best to be the highest version of yourself when you do.  Often when we’re in difficult interpersonal situations, we’re highly stressed, which leads us to become defensive or bitter.  We flood with emotions and our clarity and moral center get out of balance.  Staying in touch with  our authentic truth and with the love behind our desire for transformation helps us to keep our strength. 

It’s also important to prepare by knowing your audience.  Before speaking up, create a plan.  Ask yourself what’s the outcome that’s desired and what is the range of responses you can expect.  Rehearse your plan if possible with someone you trust.  You have options for how and what gets communicated. Be aware of the power dynamics and assess the risks you are willing to take.  How does this person or system treat people who speak their mind?  What consequences are at stake?  Are their others who can join in with you?

While there will be consequences for speaking up, ranging from not being liked by someone to being attacked by a force that could overwhelm you, there is also a cost for not speaking up.  If we live in fear and repress our resistance, there can be psychological and physical health effects.  Living a disempowered life can be extremely stressful and studies show it can lead to heart disease and autoimmune disorders, as well as depression and anxiety.  Acting in ways to advocate for a higher purpose gives our lives meaning and satisfaction.  And it is the only way to facilitate change.

One of the most essential features in finding your voice is to have someone who cares enough to listen, even if they don’t necessarily agree.  Representative Lewis talked about the importance of Dr. King as his mentor.  The mom’s link arms with one another to form their wall and the professional athletes have each other’s backs (at least now).   If you don’t have a close ally, I can’t stress enough how important it is to find one.  Often the first step is finding just one person you can share your truth with.  Sometimes it may be a therapist, like me, or another member in a support group.  Over time your courage will grow as well as your desire.  Because once you feel the power in speaking your truth, it becomes an important factor in all your relationships, most importantly your relationship with yourself.  No change ever was able to happen without people envisioning it first, asking for it to happen, and then taking the bold steps to ensure it.  It’s so easy to take for granted that for every freedom we enjoy, at some point in our history,  someone took a risk to assert it, even at the greatest of cost.

“Freedom is not a state; it is an act. It is not some enchanted garden perched high on a distant plateau where we can finally sit down and rest. Freedom is the continuous action we all must take, and each generation must do its part to create an even more fair, more just society.” Lewis, in Across That Bridge: A Vision for Change and the Future of America