Remember the marshmallow test?  It was developed by Walter Mischel at Stanford University and was made even more famous by Daniel Goleman in his book, Emotional Intelligence.  In this experiment, preschoolers were offered the opportunity to have one marshmallow right away or wait 15 minutes and receive two marshmallows, in other words, delay gratification.  What Mischel found (and has been repeatedly replicated) was that the children who could use strategies such as counting, pacing, or talking to themselves in order to resist the immediate temptation for a future greater reward had higher success as measured by better grades and increased self confidence years later. 

Recently, another group of researchers repeated the marshmallow test with a twist.  In the ‘solo” condition a child was given a cookie and told if they could wait to eat it, they would be given another cookie, essentially the same experiment as the marshmallow test.  But in the “interdependent condition,” two children in separate rooms were given cookies and told if they both successfully waited to eat it, both would get a second cookie.  What they found was that significantly more children delayed gratification in the interdependence condition than in the solo condition, even though the children did not even know each other.  The authors who published their findings in Psychological Science concluded this as evidence that the children had a sense of social obligation to others at a young age and that children are “more willing to delay gratification for cooperative goals than for individual goals.”  Co author Rebecca Koonan noted the children felt they “shouldn’t let their partner down.”

So now the pre-schoolers grow up and are adults with years of being encouraged to think about what “I” want or what is good for the people “I” love.  They don’t like being told what to do and in fact will become defensive and argumentative even if what they’re doing is self destructive or potentially harmful to others. Prolonged behavior change, in fact, is very difficult to achieve by simply telling someone they need to change.  That’s why NYU psychologist and leading researcher, Jay Van Bavel, in his paper combining the work of 41 experts in such fields as economics, psychology, and sociology regarding handling the response to the COVID-19 virus suggests a social modeling strategy over a directed appeal.  He writes, “If we’re asking people to behave in an altruistic or pro-social way, it helps to show a respected member of their social group modeling that behavior and to highlight the prospect of receiving approval from others in their social group.”

But in order to be persuaded or influenced by a group, we first must feel a sense of belonging to the group.  Somewhere between the preschooler wanting his unknown partner to have a cookie and our decisions not to wear masks and social distance, we have lost a connection to and a trust in what Damon Linker, columnist for The Week.com, refers to as the “social whole.” He writes:  “We resent being told what to do.  If wearing a mask is unpleasant, we don’t want to be forced to do it.  In fact, a governing authority – or really, anyone, even fellow customers at a grocery store – reprimanding us for failing to do our part for public health is enough to make us dig in our heals and stubbornly refuse to go along.”  Our connections to a “social whole” have faded into an us versus them mentality.  

It’s no wonder Americans are experiencing high rates of stress, anxiety and depression during this pandemic.  We don’t know who is “on our side” when we enter the public arena.  We wonder what the best course of action is and how the behavior of others will affect us.  This is a lonely experience.  Researchers in China found low levels of mental health problems among returning workers compared to high rates in America.  The reason for the lower levels of stress was the confidence the Chinese workers had that prevention measures would be strictly upheld.   What we gain in individual freedom, we lose in cooperation and trust.  What feels good in the moment of doing as we please, in the long run leaves us in vulnerable isolation.  

The truth is, we need each other.  We certainly do better when we work together than when we have to act alone. We are happier, more resilient, and have a sense of purpose when we feel connected.  To confront the societal problems we face, we will need to establish a feeling of a social whole, to act in the common good, not just for “our side.”   We will have to give up doing what “I’ want in order to support this larger community.  Certainly by delaying our own personal gratification, we can move to a more successful collective good for many.  Indeed, what we can learn from a pre-schooler is the power of social cooperation, not just with someone you know, but with a someone in the other room who might just also want a cookie.