There’s nothing that makes me feel old like seeing the look in my daughters’ eyes (even though they try to hide it) when I ask them for help with my computer.  And with my work schedule switching from a fairly long commute to absolutely no commute, the extra time I thought I’d have is now used trying to connect to WiFi, unfreeze my remote computer access, or find an email with the right link to the right meeting.  My struggle with technology makes me feel embarrassed, clueless, and down right like a stressed out idiot.  Turns out, though, I’m not alone, and if you’re relating to what I’m saying, there’s a term for it.  According to Fast Company’s computer experts, it is called “technostress,” a condition they wrote about even before the pandemic.  And in this unprecedented stay at home time, it’s only gotten worse with our complete dependence on our phones and computers for connection.

Part of what stresses me out is how absolutely vital technology has become.  The good news, truly, is that I can continue to do my work, stay connected to my staff, and talk with family and friends.  I’m continuing in my book club and even going to religious services all from my home!  But the privilege of all of this connectivity is a constant layer of stress on all of us.  And the more important the meeting, interview, or communication, the more stressed we become.  Technostress is defined as the “negative stress and psychological symptoms directly related to the use and adoption of new technologies.”  The term was first used by Craig Brod in 1984 with the widespread adoption of computers in the workplace.  Research shows our frustration has only grown as our dependence on technology has greatly increased and spread throughout both our personal and professional lives.

Technostress isn’t just about using specific tools or kinds of technology, it also refers to our relationship with technology.  For one thing it blurs the boundaries between work and home life, not just in location, but also in our time.  And the speed of communication also ramps up.  We have constant emails backing up or we may worry about it, constantly checking.  And then there is the learning curve of how to use all the tools that are supposed to make life easier.  And there is little help, except for reading instructions that leave us more confused.  Every new tool I use has so many features and functions, I find I tune out and just want to use the basics.  The constant insecurity I feel is wearing.  I wait for emails that have links, stress when the link won’t open, and panic when they can see me but can’t hear me, or I can hear them but they can’t see me, and all the variations of things that go wrong.  

Studies show technostress can cause a wide variety of symptoms to look out for such as headaches, hypertension, back aches, and other physical symptoms.  People can develop mental fatigue and burn out, as well as a feeling of helplessness and low morale.  It can also cause emotional symptoms like panic/anxiety, feelings of isolation, irritability, reduced satisfaction, and an increased sense of pressure and overwhelm.  Sounds about right.

So what can we do?  First of all, give yourself a break.  Who knew we would all be shut in at home and having to make this shift to a new way of living so all of a sudden?.  Some of us are just not computer types of people.  I went into psychology to engage in conversations that were intimate and personal.  I try to remind myself that it’s ok to struggle with the technology and my ignorance does not reflect my competence in my work or my intelligence.  Next, and this is a tough one, you need to ask for help.  No doubt, we have to admit when we’re having trouble.  Sometimes I get lucky and make it work on my own,  but more often I may stare at the computer for hours getting nowhere without someone to help troubleshoot.  Finding someone with the patience and knowledge is a life line.  Also, use technology when it’s most important and necessary, and then take breaks.  Get away from a screen, meet someone in person for a socially distant chat, or if you can’t avoid technology, ask to use the medium you are most comfortable with whenever possible.  

Ironically, technology is supposed to be about making our lives easier.  And used in balance and when seen as a tool rather than a torture, it can be of great benefit.  For me, personally, I have to stop thinking of it as out to get me and remind myself that it’s just metal, plastic, and wires and has no personal desire to make my life miserable. In fact, at times these very tools can bring me a lot of joy and facilitate keeping my life going.  For the truth is, without my crossword puzzle app or online shopping, just where would I be these past four months?

Remember the marshmallow test?  It was developed by Walter Mischel at Stanford University and was made even more famous by Daniel Goleman in his book, Emotional Intelligence.  In this experiment, preschoolers were offered the opportunity to have one marshmallow right away or wait 15 minutes and receive two marshmallows, in other words, delay gratification.  What Mischel found (and has been repeatedly replicated) was that the children who could use strategies such as counting, pacing, or talking to themselves in order to resist the immediate temptation for a future greater reward had higher success as measured by better grades and increased self confidence years later. 

Recently, another group of researchers repeated the marshmallow test with a twist.  In the ‘solo” condition a child was given a cookie and told if they could wait to eat it, they would be given another cookie, essentially the same experiment as the marshmallow test.  But in the “interdependent condition,” two children in separate rooms were given cookies and told if they both successfully waited to eat it, both would get a second cookie.  What they found was that significantly more children delayed gratification in the interdependence condition than in the solo condition, even though the children did not even know each other.  The authors who published their findings in Psychological Science concluded this as evidence that the children had a sense of social obligation to others at a young age and that children are “more willing to delay gratification for cooperative goals than for individual goals.”  Co author Rebecca Koonan noted the children felt they “shouldn’t let their partner down.”

So now the pre-schoolers grow up and are adults with years of being encouraged to think about what “I” want or what is good for the people “I” love.  They don’t like being told what to do and in fact will become defensive and argumentative even if what they’re doing is self destructive or potentially harmful to others. Prolonged behavior change, in fact, is very difficult to achieve by simply telling someone they need to change.  That’s why NYU psychologist and leading researcher, Jay Van Bavel, in his paper combining the work of 41 experts in such fields as economics, psychology, and sociology regarding handling the response to the COVID-19 virus suggests a social modeling strategy over a directed appeal.  He writes, “If we’re asking people to behave in an altruistic or pro-social way, it helps to show a respected member of their social group modeling that behavior and to highlight the prospect of receiving approval from others in their social group.”

But in order to be persuaded or influenced by a group, we first must feel a sense of belonging to the group.  Somewhere between the preschooler wanting his unknown partner to have a cookie and our decisions not to wear masks and social distance, we have lost a connection to and a trust in what Damon Linker, columnist for The Week.com, refers to as the “social whole.” He writes:  “We resent being told what to do.  If wearing a mask is unpleasant, we don’t want to be forced to do it.  In fact, a governing authority – or really, anyone, even fellow customers at a grocery store – reprimanding us for failing to do our part for public health is enough to make us dig in our heals and stubbornly refuse to go along.”  Our connections to a “social whole” have faded into an us versus them mentality.  

It’s no wonder Americans are experiencing high rates of stress, anxiety and depression during this pandemic.  We don’t know who is “on our side” when we enter the public arena.  We wonder what the best course of action is and how the behavior of others will affect us.  This is a lonely experience.  Researchers in China found low levels of mental health problems among returning workers compared to high rates in America.  The reason for the lower levels of stress was the confidence the Chinese workers had that prevention measures would be strictly upheld.   What we gain in individual freedom, we lose in cooperation and trust.  What feels good in the moment of doing as we please, in the long run leaves us in vulnerable isolation.  

The truth is, we need each other.  We certainly do better when we work together than when we have to act alone. We are happier, more resilient, and have a sense of purpose when we feel connected.  To confront the societal problems we face, we will need to establish a feeling of a social whole, to act in the common good, not just for “our side.”   We will have to give up doing what “I’ want in order to support this larger community.  Certainly by delaying our own personal gratification, we can move to a more successful collective good for many.  Indeed, what we can learn from a pre-schooler is the power of social cooperation, not just with someone you know, but with a someone in the other room who might just also want a cookie.