I must confess…I’m not thriving.  I’m not baking incredible things, recreating famous paintings with household items, or running marathons around my house.  I’m not sewing masks, arranging parades down the block for a lonely child’s birthday, or spearheading a fundraiser.  I think about it a lot, though.  Every time I see an image of what others are doing, I feel a little guilty.  I should be doing something better.  I should at least be doing something more.  And if I can’t do more, at least I should be able to be more helpful to other people.  I talk to my patients all day and feel I should have answers to their concerns, I should know how to help them.  And with my family I should be able to protect them and keep this pandemic from disrupting their college lives and business so intensely.

The stress of this pandemic is enormous.  But the stress we can add to it by our own expectations of ourselves is a whole other matter.  It’s lovely to celebrate the creativity and feel good stories of other people’s efforts, but it can contribute to the guilt and pain we experience in feeling we’re not doing enough.  A lot of us feel we’re in over our heads.  We’re trying to handle the emotional roller coaster of our personal and family life.  I heard a great metaphor that seems so appropriate: We are all weathering the same storm, but in very different boats.  Each of us has our own situation and vary in our resources, both emotionally and practically.  It’s an unfair practice to compare ourselves with others.  This is not a time to judge ourselves or other people for how we each are keeping ourselves afloat.

An important skill comes to mind in thinking about this overwhelm and “should” expectation frustration.  It’s what psychologists call “radical acceptance”:  accepting everything about yourself, your situation, and your life without blame, question, or judgment.  When a situation is out of our control, fighting against it only leads to more suffering.  By accepting things as they are, not pushing to have things as you want them to be you, you can reduce your added stress and actually increase your coping. It doesn’t mean you agree with what’s happening or even attempt to make the most of it, you merely allow yourself to accept what it is that you cannot change and stop fighting against it.

When I accept that I can’t change what’s happening and accept things as they are, I take the pressure off myself by letting go of my “shoulds”.  With this space, I actually begin to see that there is a lot I actually am doing and can reassure myself that, in this very moment, I am fine.  Radical acceptance takes away the judgement that there is some other way I need to be or some expectation that I must live up to.  Things are as they are.

In fact, once I free myself from the burden of non-acceptance, I tend to feel a sense of calm.  In this calm,  I can shift my focus to the things I can do.  For example, I may not be able to fix things for other people, but I can listen.  I can’t sew masks, but I can show appreciation to the woman who made one.  Little by little I find myself working my way out of the paralyzed state of overburdened should.

In this time of helpless staying at home and waiting for time to pass, perhaps it’s an opportunity to remind ourselves of the value of connection and relationship.  It’s a time to shift our focus from doing to being:  being together, being with ourselves, being apart.  We can listen to our thoughts and deepen our emotional experience with one another and with ourselves. Our regular lives are so focused on performance and activity, perhaps during this unprecedented time we can give ourselves and others permission to just be – where we are, who we are, and as we are.  Now isn’t that radical!

Talk about change!! No matter your situation, life is surely very different than it used to be just a short time ago.  Many of us are constantly home with people we didn’t expect to spend so much time with, engaging in ways we could never have anticipated, either.  Inevitably, as much as you love each other, conflict will arise. Especially under these hard circumstances with so many competing stressors and our lives suddenly being lived directly on top of one another, it’s bound to cause a quarrel or two.  This week’s post is to reassure you it’s normal and hopefully give some tips to get through.

About now, the reality of the situation is sinking in – this surreal way of living is our new normal.  We are using phones and laptops to try to do what was already challenging enough to do in person. We have lost roles that define us and lost income that sustains us. In trying to move forward, we are competing in our homes for space, noise levels (one wants to watch a video and another needs quiet), dietary needs, and cleanliness comfort.   Extroverts want more conversation and introverts are trying to retreat. We all have our particular way of coping and privacy is a forgotten medium. If you’re like me, the last month has brought both highs and lows that are very intense. I feel blessed for the opportunity to have this time with my family so close together, but have not always been at my best in navigating through it!

I had written a post one Groundhog’s Day about the psychological concept of “the shadow”.  It is the part of ourselves we don’t like to see (or sometimes can’t see). It’s usually a less acceptable part of ourselves that gets played out on those around us (hence named the shadow) while we remain comfortably unaware. I can’t help but think that with all of us home under stress for so many hours, we are all casting shadows on top of one another! No wonder we are a bit tense and feel misunderstood!  For example, my not-great habit of reacting under stress is to turtle up and become withdrawn and preoccupied by my thoughts and fears, shutting down to others. My family could tell something was wrong, but I kept insisting I was fine.  Finally, they had to confront me that I was being distant and it made them feel rejected and hurt. I didn’t like hearing that, as in my mind I was working hard to be the “good mom,” making everyone feel loved and supported through cooking and cleaning and making sure everyone had what they needed.  But when they shared examples with me, I had to open my eyes to their truth. I was emotionally shrinking from them, lost in my own perceptions of my experience.

Many of us are going back to old habits and patterns.  They can be more obvious, like drinking or smoking again or letting our anger get the best of us.  Or our old habits can be more subtle, like falling into an old relational dynamic or family role we had hoped we’d outgrown.  It can take a toll on our self esteem, particularly at a time when we need our emotional resilience. It’s important to remember that this tendency is normal, that the pull of regression is normal, and that you are not alone. The key is to be as aware as possible of how we are reacting and be open to feedback with a good dose of self compassion.  We also need to have compassion for others, and give one another the benefit of the doubt whenever possible.

Here are a few thoughts to serve as a reminder/guide:

*Take time out.  Use whatever works for you to calm yourself down and engage your thinking brain.  Meditation, mindfulness, yoga, art, walking, dancing, or whatever you need to calm yourself down and take care of you.  Do it every day.

*Be a good listener.  It will be hard to hear, really hear, what others are saying, but be prepared to open yourself to their perspective.  Everyone has different opinions and feelings. No one can say another person’s feelings are wrong. Resist the temptation to interrupt and be defensive.  If needed, set some time parameters that allow you and the other person time to talk in turn.

*Watch your non-verbal communication.  It’s easy to eye roll, look away and use a tone of voice that undermines your words and can make people really angry even though you are saying the “right” things.

*Be collaborative.  Offer solutions that involve what you will change or an understanding of how you feel you contributed to a situation.  Educating people as to how they have been wrong does little to build trust. Modeling owning your part in a situation allows others to be vulnerable and share.

*Remember that others are hurting in some way.  People are reacting out of fear about what will happen and are preoccupied with their own stress.  They may not have the time or emotional space to be as understanding or loving as they might at another time.  

* Journal or talk to someone outside the situation in order to get perspective.  It can help to gain clarity about your own thoughts and feelings before you approach someone else.  (Again, be self reflective rather than blaming).  It’s normal to be anxious in times of uncertainty. Acknowledging and expressing your feelings in words will help you avoid acting it out in ways you may regret.

*Set a time to talk when both people are ready and open.  Don’t spring a conversation on someone right before they have a meeting (zoom, or otherwise) or a class.  Set a time that works for you both and allows people to be prepared.

*Remember that sometimes people, especially our family, can see or know things about us better than we can.  Accept their words or insights as loving gestures of trying to feel closer to you. It can be very hard, believe me, but it is so crucial to intimacy.

*Be realistic.  You are not going to rid yourself of old habits or fix a bad relational dynamic all of a sudden.  While under such intense times and stress, the idea of harm reduction is helpful. We can do our best to minimize damage, but it’s too much to expect perfection.

*Be kind.  To yourself as well as others.  While you might not be as light hearted as you want to be or forgiving at any one time, balance it out by taking the initiative to do a kind deed or provide a helping hand when someone needs it.  Helping a frustrated mother when her internet connection cuts her off from an important task (hmmm, wonder where that came from) or doing some dishes that have piled up can be another way to show your love.

We will get through this and return to our separate lives again.  My hope is that I will look back on this and remember the creative fun times (our Zoom Passover seders with people from the East Coast and even Germany), but also have lessons learned for how we made it through what was difficult.  I want to be patient with myself and with my loved ones. I want to be authentic, but also careful in how I react. There is a lot to be learned through this period of time, no doubt about that. We will all need to be strong when someone else falters and accept help when we are the ones who need it.  This unique order to stay home with one another can be a burden that tears us apart or a chance to grow together. With these once in a lifetime extended orders to shelter in place, we can best get through it by making our homes more than a place we have to be, but a place with emotional space enough for everyone to want to be.