So much has changed since my last blog post, just two short weeks ago.  Themes have now shifted from worry and anxiety to a deeper level of fear and loss.  And there are so many layers of loss: deaths and illness, the loss of jobs and finances, schooling and college life, and the loss of any plans we each have made. This universality of loss is unprecedented.  Although we may vary in our specifics, no one has been untouched by grief during this pandemic. And how we help each other through this challenging time will be an important part of our healing as we move through it.

We have all lost our sense of safety and certainty.  In order to go about our days and plan our lives, we assume that the world is generally a safe and predictable place.  This notion has been shattered, at least for the time being, and our vulnerability and lack of control is at a premium. Decisions that affect our lives are being made by others and we can only try to make the best of the situation, sometimes without the information needed or desired.  We have collectively lost our autonomy, our sense of agency in our lives, and we live with a helplessness that can be uncomfortable and also really frightening. We are experiencing an unimaginable collective trauma and our emotional well being will be affected and in need of our attention.

It is important to allow yourself to grieve for your particular loss.  It is natural to push aside your feelings when comparing yourself to others.  I hear people say they feel selfish for being upset about their graduation being cancelled, for example, compared to the loss of lives that some are experiencing.  It’s important to make room for your own grief. I believe we have enough empathy to feel the pain for other people’s losses as well as our own. Maybe not all at any one moment, but as a collection of caring hearts and souls, we can help each other recognize and honor this grief together.  Your grief is just as real as anybody else’s. No one can know what your loss meant to you but you, so don’t be afraid to put words to it. By acknowledging our grief and articulating it, we can move through it. And current loss tends to bring up old losses. I have been dreaming nightly about my mother again, may her memory be for a blessing.

People grieve in different ways.  Some people may be irritable, some may withdraw, and some people may need to keep busy and active.  Some people stress eat and others lose their appetite. The important thing is to allow yourself to grieve in the way you need.  And we will need to give other people space to grieve in their own way. There is no competition in our losses, no one is more entitled to their pain than others.  At a time like this, it’s truly beneficial to acknowledge one another’s losses, providing validation and a chance to be seen in our own particular fear and sadness.  The stages of grief delineated by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross include denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. But research on these stages suggests they do not come in a linear progression.  We will each have our own journey through these stages. Communicating what you need and how you are feeling is so important. And listening to one another and finding ways to negotiate differences is the best love you can give.  Identify what you can control and then problem solve. Staying in the present can be very challenging as we try to prepare for the worst. Labeling the what ifs as “fear” helps us to remember that it is not a reality, but a feeling that needs expression and compassion.

The silver linings are important to find and to hold on to.  Hopefully, in addition to the many losses we will need to heal from, we will also have moments that we can look back on with a bittersweet smile.  Our resourcefulness through this crisis is remarkable. Stories of 3-D printed ventilator nozzles, distilleries making hand sanitizer, and neighbors helping neighbors will also be a legacy of this pandemic.  Personally, we will each have tender moments of being reached out to by someone or making someone else feel loved by reaching out to them. Zoom happy hours, group face time chats, and all kinds of Instagram memes that bring us together are a testament to our collective resilience.  

The importance of love and connection can never be more clear.  And sheltering in place does offer some of the most creative opportunities for this.  One of my personal favorites this week was watching my daughter cutting my husband’s hair (after watching a you tube video and it looks better than some professionals have done).  We did each other’s nails and dragged out the slow cooker and tried some new recipes. My daughter’s do yoga together and we volunteered at a food pantry (with gloves and social distancing of course).  Amidst the tears for what has been lost, there is also laughter at the unpredictable and even the silly. Attempts at home schooling, learning new technologies, and the unending worry about toilet paper brings humility and funny stories, even if it also stretches our patience and at times our capacities. And that, too, is our common humanity shining through creating memories we will forever hold from this difficult time.

One of the most important elements of healing from loss through a traumatic experience is finding meaning.  Although we each will do this in our own way, I do believe another silver lining in this pandemic is its unique global nature in an era of nationalism.  The world is suffering together; we face a common enemy and feel our collective vulnerability. The virus does not know that we are politically different, economically diverse, or racially divided.  It only knows that we are all human. To get through this pandemic, we will need global cooperation and communication, societal assistance and support. I pray this pandemic ends quickly, but that global healing and compassion for the vulnerable throughout the world remains a lasting priority. (And maybe, for us, more home grooming as well!)