So much has changed since my last blog post, just two short weeks ago.  Themes have now shifted from worry and anxiety to a deeper level of fear and loss.  And there are so many layers of loss: deaths and illness, the loss of jobs and finances, schooling and college life, and the loss of any plans we each have made. This universality of loss is unprecedented.  Although we may vary in our specifics, no one has been untouched by grief during this pandemic. And how we help each other through this challenging time will be an important part of our healing as we move through it.

We have all lost our sense of safety and certainty.  In order to go about our days and plan our lives, we assume that the world is generally a safe and predictable place.  This notion has been shattered, at least for the time being, and our vulnerability and lack of control is at a premium. Decisions that affect our lives are being made by others and we can only try to make the best of the situation, sometimes without the information needed or desired.  We have collectively lost our autonomy, our sense of agency in our lives, and we live with a helplessness that can be uncomfortable and also really frightening. We are experiencing an unimaginable collective trauma and our emotional well being will be affected and in need of our attention.

It is important to allow yourself to grieve for your particular loss.  It is natural to push aside your feelings when comparing yourself to others.  I hear people say they feel selfish for being upset about their graduation being cancelled, for example, compared to the loss of lives that some are experiencing.  It’s important to make room for your own grief. I believe we have enough empathy to feel the pain for other people’s losses as well as our own. Maybe not all at any one moment, but as a collection of caring hearts and souls, we can help each other recognize and honor this grief together.  Your grief is just as real as anybody else’s. No one can know what your loss meant to you but you, so don’t be afraid to put words to it. By acknowledging our grief and articulating it, we can move through it. And current loss tends to bring up old losses. I have been dreaming nightly about my mother again, may her memory be for a blessing.

People grieve in different ways.  Some people may be irritable, some may withdraw, and some people may need to keep busy and active.  Some people stress eat and others lose their appetite. The important thing is to allow yourself to grieve in the way you need.  And we will need to give other people space to grieve in their own way. There is no competition in our losses, no one is more entitled to their pain than others.  At a time like this, it’s truly beneficial to acknowledge one another’s losses, providing validation and a chance to be seen in our own particular fear and sadness.  The stages of grief delineated by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross include denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. But research on these stages suggests they do not come in a linear progression.  We will each have our own journey through these stages. Communicating what you need and how you are feeling is so important. And listening to one another and finding ways to negotiate differences is the best love you can give.  Identify what you can control and then problem solve. Staying in the present can be very challenging as we try to prepare for the worst. Labeling the what ifs as “fear” helps us to remember that it is not a reality, but a feeling that needs expression and compassion.

The silver linings are important to find and to hold on to.  Hopefully, in addition to the many losses we will need to heal from, we will also have moments that we can look back on with a bittersweet smile.  Our resourcefulness through this crisis is remarkable. Stories of 3-D printed ventilator nozzles, distilleries making hand sanitizer, and neighbors helping neighbors will also be a legacy of this pandemic.  Personally, we will each have tender moments of being reached out to by someone or making someone else feel loved by reaching out to them. Zoom happy hours, group face time chats, and all kinds of Instagram memes that bring us together are a testament to our collective resilience.  

The importance of love and connection can never be more clear.  And sheltering in place does offer some of the most creative opportunities for this.  One of my personal favorites this week was watching my daughter cutting my husband’s hair (after watching a you tube video and it looks better than some professionals have done).  We did each other’s nails and dragged out the slow cooker and tried some new recipes. My daughter’s do yoga together and we volunteered at a food pantry (with gloves and social distancing of course).  Amidst the tears for what has been lost, there is also laughter at the unpredictable and even the silly. Attempts at home schooling, learning new technologies, and the unending worry about toilet paper brings humility and funny stories, even if it also stretches our patience and at times our capacities. And that, too, is our common humanity shining through creating memories we will forever hold from this difficult time.

One of the most important elements of healing from loss through a traumatic experience is finding meaning.  Although we each will do this in our own way, I do believe another silver lining in this pandemic is its unique global nature in an era of nationalism.  The world is suffering together; we face a common enemy and feel our collective vulnerability. The virus does not know that we are politically different, economically diverse, or racially divided.  It only knows that we are all human. To get through this pandemic, we will need global cooperation and communication, societal assistance and support. I pray this pandemic ends quickly, but that global healing and compassion for the vulnerable throughout the world remains a lasting priority. (And maybe, for us, more home grooming as well!)

I tend to be a person who minimizes potential hazards and dire predictions.  There is enough drama going on inside my head that I don’t need to take on any more, thank you.  So as news was emerging about a new virus in China, I felt badly for them, but dismissed its meaning for me.  And then as illness began to spread, and my own Health Center where I work began to set up a triage desk out front and protocols for potential patients, I thought it was rather impressive that we were being so careful and overprepared.  But in the last days, as my daughters are both heading home from college because dorms are being cleared out and classes are being held remotely, travel is being restricted, large gatherings are being canceled, and my go to life distraction, the NBA is on lock down, I am beginning to wonder how worried I should be.  

And then, last night, when my own Health Center is choosing for my department to do phone visits only, I did feel a bit of panic arise, not necessarily about the virus, but about my own reaction.  Was I not worried enough, was I getting too worried, are people overreacting, not reacting enough? My worry about my own level of worry became the worry. And, to be honest, today I feel a little relieved to find I’m not alone.  The phone lines are jammed at my work with people calling about their fears. Overall the theme described by our Call Center workers is people looking for guidance about how worried they should be. Distress around the fear of Covid-19 virus has gotten so high, that the World Health Organization issued guidelines recently for protecting mental health during the outbreak: “Avoid watching, reading or listening to news that cause you to feel anxious or distressed; seek information mainly to take practical steps to prepare your plans and protect yourself and loved ones. Seek information updates at specific times during the day once or twice. The sudden and near-constant stream of news reports about an outbreak can cause anyone to feel worried. Get the facts. Gather information at regular intervals, from WHO website and local health authorities platforms, in order to help you distinguish facts from rumors.”

As a mental health practitioner, I can see that there are a number of elements of this viral situation that create a perfect storm of factors that lead to anxiety.  First is the uncertainty. Anxiety researchers at George Washington University note, “What we know from psychological science is that uncertainty drives anxiety.” This disease cycle is filled with uncertainty – who is at risk, what measures should be taken, how will my life be impacted, and what plans need to be made or changed.  Another factor is the unfamiliarity. The flu has high fatality rates, but we are familiar with it, which somehow makes us feel a better sense of control. Unfamiliarity coupled with uncertainty is bad enough, but add to it the failed leadership that has been demonstrated. Contradicting messages, misinformation, and inconsistencies in policies has led many to doubt what reassurances are being given by people who should be in the know.  When reassurance rings hollow, anxiety will spike. Missteps by supposed experts create a sense of doubt about the ability of those in charge of controlling the outbreak. And then there is the confusing dialectic of community risk versus personal risk. It is hard for any one of us to hold seemingly conflicting concepts in their mind, the very real risk to a country and the economy compared with the much smaller risk to any one individual.  Mary Alvord, a researcher at George Washington University writes,”We tend to extrapolate the general to ourselves.”

These intersecting factors lead us to an overall sense of powerlessness and vulnerability around the Covid-19 threat.  So, to feel more in control, we go out and buy a year’s supply of toilet paper and kidney beans. (By the way, according to one news report, broccoli is in plenty supply). It makes us feel we’re doing something to protect ourselves.  And that is not a bad thing. Whatever we can do to minimize our sense of the unknown is generally positive, as long as it is based in some reasonableness. We should strive for balance in times like these, and kindness to ourselves and one another.  Keep your routines as much as possible, find sources of information and people who can help you check your facts and try to avoid people or sources who are in a frenzy. Because just like an unseen illness, reactions are contagious. 

I was visiting my brother recently in a suburb of DC and while standing outside in a light jacket, his neighbors were all  telling me they hadn’t really had a winter yet this year. No rain has fallen in Northern California in the entire month of February, normally a time we get our heaviest rains.  While we all felt the pull to take advantage of the sunny and warm weather, I was struck by the number of people saying they felt guilty for enjoying it, because they knew what it meant.  Our climate is changing and our planet is in crisis. It’s hard to feel good in the effect, when the cause is so catastrophic. I notice it everywhere. As people are awakening to the reality of climate change, they feel a sense of doom and helplessness.  It’s become so common and its effects so pronounced, the American Psychological Association put out a 70 page report on the issue of “Eco-anxiety,” its causes, symptoms and ways to manage it. The good news, you are not alone in experiencing it, and the better news is, if managed well, this anxiety may in fact be a part of the solution.

According to a Yale survey conducted in 2018, 70% of Americans are worried about climate change, 29% are very worried, and 51% feel helpless.  (I can’t imagine that in 2020 these numbers are even higher). The thing about it is, that we aren’t necessarily aware of this anxiety, as it lies underneath the surface as we listen to the news and then go about our day.  But as psychologists study the roots of our stresses and concerns, the emergence of this common form of anxiety has emerged. The American Psychological Association defines it as “a chronic fear of environmental doom.” The impact can range from day to day worry, to the fear and panic attacks that natural disaster victims experience after the fact.  Often people feel overwhelmed by the magnitude of the issue, mindful of their position as just one person on a planet of billions of people, and this leads to feelings of helplessness and depression. Psychology Today describes it as a source of stress caused by “watching the slow and seemingly irrevocable impacts of climate change unfold, and worrying about the future for oneself, children and later generations.”  It adds that people are “deeply affected by feelings of loss, helplessness, and frustration due to their inability to feel like they are making a difference in stopping climate change.” Young people are particularly affected as they feel the inheritors of a damaged ecosystem that was not of their making, and witness the lack of action on the part of our world leaders.

But, kept in check, eco-anxiety may be a good thing.  In the words of 16 year old Greta Thunberg, the young climate activist, “Adults keep saying, we owe it to the young people to give them hope.  But I don’t want your hope. I don’t want you to be hopeful, I want you to panic.” Eco-anxiety is not a mental health disorder. In fact, it seems like a rational response to a really serious problem.  We need to ask, is it more pathological to be very worried about climate change or is it more pathological NOT to be worried about climate change? Anxiety is precisely what can propel us to action. But overly high levels of anxiety or hopelessness can lead to paralysis.  

The antidote to isolating anxiety is taking steps that foster a sense of connection with your environment and your community.  Studies suggest that even small conversations about climate change fears can be helpful in understanding its presence and its impact.  These types of conversations can be followed up with strategies to take action. Joining in on letter writing campaigns, protests, sustainability efforts and the like, all do make a difference both psychologically, but also for the bigger picture.  Duncan Geere, a climate activist and author, suggests that eco-anxiety is the right response to the scale of the challenge. But he holds onto optimism by reminding himself that individuals have never been as powerful as they are in today’s society.  Steps you can take not only benefit you to feel better but can push for changes that will matter: “Firstly, make climate change a factor in the decisions you make around what you eat, how you travel and what you buy. Secondly, talk about climate change with your friends, family, and colleagues.  Finally, demand that politicians and companies make it easier and cheaper to do the right thing for the planet.”

I, too, am to blame for feeling anxious and angry and yet not doing enough about it.  But with the political season upon us, and candidates fighting for our votes, this is a great time to be active and make our voices heard.  We have to believe it is within our power to protect what is left and make a difference to the trajectory of our planet’s delicate systems. I personally believe it is a moral duty and the best thing we can do  to help our children cope with their fears and frustrations. While there is a lot of science telling us how bad the problem is getting, there is also a lot of science telling us that if we can act now, we can indeed make a difference.