I’m writing this post on Valentine’s Day, the holiday about love that’s turned into a day full of pressure for grand gestures and pricey gifting.  Not that I mind getting flowers or having a nice dinner (just a note to my husband), but in contrast, I thought I’d take some time to reflect on a very inexpensive but priceless expression of caring:  A good apology. Done well, it can be a most loving thing to do.  

Ironically, part of what got me thinking about this was the Houston Astros.  After being caught in a cheating scandal, they held a press conference to “apologize.”  The press was full of criticisms today about the unapology that was hidden in the apology.  Indeed, the apology backfired and made the public even more upset about what had happened. I think we all know what it’s like and how hurtful it is to have someone say “I’m sorry your feelings were hurt,” or “I’m sorry, but…”  An apology that seems more like a rationalization or drips with insincerity can truly make the pain even worse. Insult to injury, I suppose. To be truly effective with apologizing it takes a letting go of your ego. It means you must stop trying to be right and to completely put yourself in the other person’s shoes.  It’s so easy to tell when you’re apologizing to brush the issue under the rug (remember when you were a kid and your parents made you apologize to your sibling) or when you really want to make amends for something. Attitude is everything when you’re making an apology.  

So if your heart’s in the right place and you’re feeling ready, here are some tips based on research for what makes an effective apology (thanks to the researchers at the Greater Good Science Center):

-Acknowledgement.  Take responsibility and show that you recognize what you did and how it hurt.  Be as personal and specific as possible, taking ownership of what mistake you made.  “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings” rather than “I’m sorry your feelings were hurt.” “I am sorry that my comment was critical” rather than “I’m sorry for whatever I said.”

–Express your sorry feelings.  Part of why we avoid apologies is the shame or discomfort we feel.  But if you express these feelings, it lets the other person know it mattered to you and you are remorseful on a deep level.  “I’m embarrassed that I lost my temper and feel badly about it.”  

–Provide an explanation rather than an excuse.  Sometimes explaining what happened can show that it was not intentional and that you understand what happened in a way that you are fixing what went wrong.  Explanations that are defensive, or worse yet, put the blame on the person you hurt are not apologies. “You made me so mad,” is different from “I lost my temper.”

–Make amends.  As much as possible, repair what you can.  If you damaged something or lost something tangible, replace what you can.  For less tangible offenses, lay out a step or two that you will take to improve the situation and rebuild trust.  You might agree to call or text if you will be late if that has been a problem, or offer to share more information if a secret was kept. Make sure you ask the offended person what would be helpful to them, rather than doing something simply to relieve our own guilt.

And when you are offered an apology, remember that loving gestures go both ways.  Be gracious. If the person is trying and seems genuine, don’t hold a grudge or make them suffer as punishment.  It’s natural for it to take time to heal when someone hurts you, but giving the silent treatment or making snarky comments is passive aggressive.

And if anyone from the Houston Astros is listening, you can even apologize for a bad apology.  Sharing that you reflected more on a situation is a good thing. Life is a process and growth can take time.  Sometimes a little distance from a situation can give you a new perspective. Sharing this with someone can show them the situation has stayed with you as something you are learning from.  A gift of love such as this would be welcome any day of the year.

Last week the news of Kobe Bryant’s death was a shock to the community.  Whether or not you’re a sport’s fan, the sudden death of someone so well known and people so young grabbed all of our attention in collective grief.  As a psychologist, I couldn’t help but notice people’s reactions and observe our need for community at such times play out in all its forms. Suddenly, as the news appeared on people’s cell phones, all at once I saw people looking up, searching out other people, making eye contact and then starting up conversation.  I heard people chatting in lines at grocery stores and in waiting rooms. Even my normally testosterone filled sports talk radio station had phone lines jammed with people wanting to share their feelings and memories. It was actually a beautiful thing to see how the power of connection can help at such times.

When we go through something traumatic, it helps to have others to validate what seems too unbelievable to actually be true.  We can express our feelings and memories, which helps us process traumatic events and find comfort. We can gather more information to help us understand better what is happening, and sharing in our pain helps us hold it.  We compare our reactions to others which helps us to feel normal, and sharing about it or listening to it over and over helps us take it in something that is overwhelming in manageable smaller pieces. Death and loss can make us feel very alone, in a deep and existential way.  Sharing with others helps ease this sense of isolation.  

Studies show that social isolation and loneliness are associated with both poor mental health as well as physical health.  People who have social support cope with stressors better, have enhanced self esteem, have lower blood pressure and cardiovascular risks, are more likely to engage in health promoting behaviors and generally feel more resilient.  How so? Connecting with others increases the release of hormones that directly reduce our stress. Oxytocin is a hormone which functions to decrease anxiety levels and stimulates our bodies system to calm down (the parasympathetic nervous system).  Spending time with other people directs our energy outward and can distract us from our own pain and make us feel better about ourselves in being able to help others. People who are socially connected feel wanted and cared for which is so important for mental health plus they have people with whom they can talk through their problems and get advice or help.  Time spent with other people also strengthens your sense that life has purpose and meaning, which can be an important factor in coping at times when life has thrown you a curveball.

The good news is that you only need a few people to get these benefits.  And it’s true that quality is much better than quantity. Having a few people that you can really share with is much better than a large number of people that you don’t know very well.  The bad news is that during times of extreme stress, we tend to isolate and withdraw, often times not wanting to be a burden to others. Or, there are times when people pull away from us.  Some people don’t know how to be with people who are hurting or in crisis. Out of ignorance, they pull away, just at the time we may need them the most.

The best thing that can come from tragedy is a great appreciation for those you love.  In the reactions to Kobe’s death, I heard so many people feel the urge to go home and hug their family.  When your life is going well, or well enough, is the best time to be proactive in building your support system.  Successful relationships are mutual. Stay in touch. Reach out to people before you need to make a difficult phone call delivering bad news.  Return calls and e-mails, check in on people regularly. Be a good listener, find out what is important in other people’s lives. Take time to say thank you and be available to other people when you think they need support.  You can also incorporate other people into your life by exercising with them, extending an invitation to just one or two more people, and introducing yourself to a neighbor and other people you may see regularly but never talk to.  

Even when we don’t know what to say, just sitting next to someone can be healing.  Or holding someone’s hand, or eating a meal someone cooked for you. When someone famous dies, and the world is in mourning, it’s a good reminder to think about all the not famous people who are hurting:   a widow wo lost her partner of 60 years, parents who had a miscarriage, a son who is taking care of a parent with Alzheimers. The opportunity for love and connection is truly all around us.