I had never heard of it before, but my friends, a married couple, told me they were both doing it.  “It’s so hard” they shared with me, but it was making a big difference. It was called the 21 Day Complaint Free Challenge.  The goal is to go 21 days in a row without complaining. As a reminder, you put a bracelet on your wrist and you switch it each time you catch yourself complaining.  When you switch the bracelet, your 21 days resets, meaning you’re on Day 1 again. Sound easy? Hah! The furthest I’ve gotten in two weeks is Day 3. But already I have noticed a change for the better.

The founder of this 21 Day Complaint Free Challenge is Will Bowen, a Kansas City minister.  In 2006, while giving a series of talks, he noticed how much people focused on what they didn’t have or didn’t like. He was concerned about the negative impact on people and in their relationships.  He came up with the challenge as an experiment explaining his rationale that word choice determines thought choice, which in turn determines emotions and actions. The reason for the goal of 21 days?  That is the length of time research shows it generally takes to change a habit. And complaining is much more of a habit then you realize, as those of us undertaking the challenge are finding out.  

My own experience has shown me how often I react with a complaint or use it to start a conversation.  “It’s so frustrating,” I might say to my friend and then complain of something I’m annoyed by, expecting this other person to join in.  Bowen posits there are five main reasons that people complain. The first reason may be simply to get attention, hoping to be noticed and validated.  The second reason may be to avoid taking responsibility about why something won’t work out, blaming some other person or cause. A third reason may be to make us feel better.  By putting someone else down, we feel superior. The fourth reason he suggests is an attempt to gain power, pulling people in to support our perspective. And finally, the fifth reason Bowen suggests is to excuse bad performance.  It is the past tense version of avoiding taking responsibility. We create stories that deflect from our own failure or missteps. Together, he creates this handy acronym: GRIPE (get attention responsibility, inspire envy, power and excuse).

A complaint, as defined by Will Bowen, is “to express grief, pain or discontent.”  Fortunately for me, in his view, a complaint must be spoken, by definition, and does not include our negative thinking.  It also does not include speaking directly to (and only to) a person who can directly resolve or help you resolve your problem (telling a server at a restaurant if something is wrong with your order is not a complaint, for example.). Complaining is any time you gossip, complain, or criticize out loud.  The effect of my Complaint Free Challenge time so far is pretty powerful. I have become much more aware of my negativity. I am noticing how much of a reflex saying something negative can be. The Challenge is indeed helping me let go of a negative thought and reframing it with something more positive. Already, although I am only getting a few days in a row, I do feel I am thinking differently.  I can see that with time, if and when I make it to 21 days, I will indeed have trained and conditioned myself to be more positive. And if testimonials of hundreds of thousands of people on his 21 Day Challenge Website are true, this will have the effect of creating both a greater sense of appreciation and happiness within myself, but also for the people around me.  

If you want to read more about the Challenge, Will Bowen has a website (willbowen.com) and book, A Complaint Free World.  He even sells little purple rubber bracelets you can use as your reminder.  (I don’t look good in purple, so I’m using one of my own bracelets – uh oh, switch wrists?)  If my own experience and what I hear from my friends and people online is any indication, it’s really hard but worthwhile to take the challenge. And if it makes us feel any better, Bowen reports that it takes the average person eight months to make it the 21 days of complaint free living!!

Will Bowen:  “Complaining is like bad breath — you notice it when it comes out of someone else’s mouth, but not when it comes out of your own.”  (Yes, he seems like a character. Not a complaint.)

For the first post of 2020, the beginning or end of the decade depending on your point of view, I thought I would open with a bit of inspiration for changing your mood, and with it maybe even society, for the better.  I came across an article about a concept I hadn’t heard before, but thankfully have experienced. It came from a Professor at the University of Virginia who, ironically, spent his career studying the experience of disgust.  He found social situations were powerful inducers of a sense of disgust, such as when you see someone behave in a way that is cruel or hypocritical. Our reactions to this feeling are protective in nature. We withdraw and become more guarded as a means of self protection.  But after years of studying this reaction of repulsion, Dr. Haidt began to wonder about the opposite. What happens when you see someone do something altruistic?  

It turns out there’s a unique and measurable experience that happens to us when we witness what is described as moral beauty and that this experience is widely known across cultures and historical times.  It is the “warm, uplifting feeling that people experience when they see unexpected acts of goodness, kindness, courage, or compassion,” according to Dr. Haidt, and he called the experience “elevation.” The experience of elevation is often surprising and brings with it a sense of joy.  But it’s also a unique experience that differs from feelings of happiness, in that elevation elicits a good feeling about the world and other people, elicits a unique physical experience of a warm, tingly sensation in the chest, and makes people feel more open to other people and want to be helpful themselves.  

In fact, studies show that when people are “happy,” they are more likely to engage in more self-focused or internal pursuits, while people experiencing “elevation” turned their attention toward others and expressed a desire to become better people.  Other studies seem to suggest that elevation may increase the amount of oxytocin circulating in our bodies by stimulating the hormone’s release. Oxytocin is the hormone associated with attachment and bonding. This may be the physiological mechanism underlying elevation’s powerful effect when we can be thrilled or even moved to tears by witnessing acts of kindness and feel a warm glow for a period of time afterward.  And other researchers have found that the higher the sense of elevation, the more motivated and the more actual follow through there is in actually engaging in prosocial behaviors.

In reflecting on the data, researchers believe we are in fact wired to be inspired, as they say.  The fact that we can be so responsive to the good deeds of others, even when we don’t benefit directly, is a really positive aspect of human nature.  Haidt notes that a particularly interesting aspect of elevation is its social benefit, which is the power to spread. When people are elevated, they tend to share the story of what moved them, which in turn elevates others.  When an elevation story is told well it is contagious. Powerful moments of elevation, whether experienced first hand or second hand, appear “to push a mental “reset” button, wiping out feelings of cynicism and replacing them with feelings of hope, love, optimism,” he writes.

I feel so lucky in that I am surrounded by acts that inspire elevation on a daily basis.  Working at a health center dedicated to serving the underserved exposes me to doctors, nutritionists, administrators, mental health workers, medical assistants, and even maintenance workers who could make more money in private industry but are dedicated to a mission.  The mission and culture seem to inspire everyone to serve our patients in a respectful and giving way. I knew that I was fortunate to be around such smart and dedicated people, but reading about elevation helps me understand how the culture continues despite the setbacks of budget cuts, changes in the healthcare system, and stressful schedules.  When one of us is having a bad day, the giving spirit of someone else carries us through and picks us up.

Of course we all have our moments of disgust and despair, but it gives me great hope to think how good deeds inspire others to engage in good deeds.  We all have the ability to elevate one another. There is great benefit to ourselves and to society in appreciating and sharing about all the good that is happening around us.  While watching the nightly news may bring me down, a good deed story may in fact be more powerful to lift me up. Sharing the good may be exponentially good for all of us.