Last night was the first night of Chanukah, which celebrates the Jews defeating Syrian-Greek oppressors who had tried forcing them to abandon their religion and adopt Greek culture.  Led by Judah Maccabee, they recaptured the holy temple in Jerusalem. When arriving there they found only enough olive oil to light the holy eternal flame for one night, but it lasted miraculously for eight nights, giving them time to replenish it.  Hence, the holiday is known as the “Festival of Lights.” Ultimately, to me this is a story about resilience: the little drop of oil that persevered for eight nights and the people who persevered in recapturing their temple and continuing their faith.

With the New Year approaching this is a perfect time to think about resilience.  In reflecting on the past year, most of us lament about the goals we didn’t achieve and the ways we didn’t measure up.  Then in drawing up resolutions for next year, we continue the theme of harping on everything we failed at and pledge to correct them all.  But what about all the things we did right? What about all the small and big challenges that we overcame, both daily and throughout the year?  Some years the wind is in your favor and you can travel far downstream. But some years the headwinds are so strong you may paddle your little heart out and seem like you didn’t get anywhere at all. We can miss the resilience and success in keeping yourself from having been blown off course.  

Resilience is defined by the US Department of Health and Human Services as “the ability to withstand, adapt to, and recover from adversity and stress.”  Resilience is about using coping strategies to maintain, return to, or possibly even mature in your mental health and well being. I am sure if you think about your 2019, you will discover many ways in which you were quite successful in overcoming hardships.  In case you are having trouble, here are a few elements that researchers have found that contribute to resilience.

-Optimism:  staying positive about the future even when faced with big obstacles

-Altruism:  helping others is a way to boost your mood and sense of efficacy

– Moral compass: holding on to a set of beliefs about what is right and wrong -Humor: laughing at your own misfortune

-Social Supports: allowing yourself to be vulnerable and stay connected  

-Facing Fear: being willing to leave your comfort zone and confront their fear  

-Meaning in Life:  having a sense of purpose allows us to persevere  

-Training: receiving feedback and using it to improve, having a growth mindset  

Now pat yourself on the back for getting through, raise a glass and toast your perseverance, and applaud your ability to overcome all that you did.  You have had many successes this year, so give yourself credit for how you got by. And perhaps in setting goals for 2020, you can resolve to highlight and enhance your skills in resilience.  It truly will be the gift that keeps on giving!!

As the days get shorter, darker, and colder this time of year, animals take the clue and hibernate.  So why do we get busier and insist on decking our halls? Why do we shop till we drop and insist on fa-la-la-la-la?  Our natural inclination tells us to slow down and withdraw, but our cultural expectations and hence our personal expectations are quite the opposite.  Seems like a set up to me.

Most people find it hard to get motivated this time of year and with the darkness comes the desire to just go home and retreat.  The skies are grey and cloudy, the sunlight is low in the sky, and plants and trees are in their cycle of dormancy. The trees lose their leaves and the cold weather slows things down and causes us to seek shelter.  It is the natural order of death before rebirth. Similarly, rather than trying to fight it, we too might mirror this environmental process psychologically. Winter can be a time to honor darkness and to journey deep within to reflect, restore, and nourish ourselves internally.  The winter solstice is a powerfully symbolic time. The sun metaphorically dies on the longest darkest night of the year, and is reborn the next day to begin its journey to the summer solstice. The time before the winter solstice is an opportunity for grieving, acknowledging what’s been lost, and letting go.  By accepting and embracing our sorrows we can heighten our awareness of other’s pain and deepen our compassion toward others by means of thee compassion we show ourselves.

Celebrating darkness is not about celebrating evil, but uncovering the depths of who we are.  When we allow ourselves to go within, we can discover parts of ourselves the light has never touched.  We can find seeds of potential that have been dormant waiting for nourishment. The darkness can offer a peaceful time to attend to our souls and work on relating better to parts of our selves and to relationships that live within us as memories of people we have lost.  This is rich work that can heal and replenish us if we allow ourselves the time and space.

Ironically, in contrast to the natural world, our cultural traditions run counter to this quiet time of reflection.  Shops are open 24 hours, music blares, and stressful obligations seem to rule the day. Not that I mean to be a ba-hum-bug scrooge, but I have been thinking more about giving ourselves the chance to slow down and find more balance.  I, myself, as well as many people I talk to, feel obligated to fight the urge to withdraw at this time of year and experience “holiday blues.” WIth the expectation that we should feel happy joyous, and merry, our inclination to retreat feels like there is something wrong with us.  But maybe there is nothing wrong with us. Maybe what is wrong is our frenetic insistence on pushing ourselves to do the very opposite of what seems to be calling? Maybe we could learn to find peace within our calm and even within our sorrow. Embracing darkness just may be what is needed to clear a path for the rebirth that inevitably comes with the return of the light.