Every year I sing the praises of Thanksgiving, my favorite holiday with the three F’s – family, food, and football. But I also really love it for being a holiday centered around gratitude. I have written before about how gratitude is the Superpower of positive psychology and most people by now have heard about Gratitude Journals (thanks Oprah).  But this year I came across some good research about the mechanisms of gratitude’s power and thought I would share with you some insights and good news about that attitude of gratitude.

In an article from the Center for Greater Good (wouldn’t you want to work there?) the review of the literature on gratitude leads to a conclusion that gratitude is not just a positive state of mind but an active process that leads us to cope with stress and regulate our emotions in beneficial ways.  When we feel grateful we manage difficult emotions both more effectively and in ways that are deemed “healthier,” meaning they lead us to better future outcomes. Researchers found four basic underlying mechanisms of how this works.First, grateful people were more likely to take steps to actively deal with their problems or try to look for “silver linings” (called positive reframing in psychology speak). As a result, they were less likely to give up trying or blame themselves. Second, grateful people were more likely to reach out to others when they were stressed.  When we feel appreciative of people’s past efforts at helping us, we will have a higher expectation of finding benefit if we reach out again. The third finding of what grateful people do that leads to good coping is that gratitude actually changes our experience of negative emotions. It almost serves as a thought inoculation. Grateful people use more insight into cause and effect that helps them reappraise negative situations and thereby manage the negative emotions that may be a result. And finally, research reveals that grateful people are more patient. Grateful people show a higher capacity for delay of gratification (more psychology speak for the idea that you can put off the desire for a small reward to wait for a bigger reward.)  Delay of gratification has been largely associated with emotional intelligence and life success (like getting through 4 years of hard work in college to get a degree or resisting the good looking guy who isn’t so good to you to wait for the better choice).

But the most interesting and best news for me in reading the research about gratitude was how easy it was to achieve the gratitude. In each study that found a beneficial effect of gratitude, they created the group of grateful subjects by simply asking people to write about gratitude! (The control group of “non-grateful” people wrote about neutral topics). Some studies had subjects journal a few times a week for a month and some studies had subjects remember a time when they were appreciative and write about it.  But that was all it took! It wasn’t that they combed the streets looking for grateful human beings, they were able to create an attitude of gratitude in the lab and then have people reap the benefits!! How amazing is that!!

So in thinking about my love of Thanksgiving, maybe it’s the aura of gratitude that makes the children look a bit cuter, the pie taste a little sweeter, and the football loss a little less painful. Digging into a helping of gratitude may actively engage my more positive coping tools and facilitate what makes the day feel so special. So when your Aunt Bessie hurts your feelings or you burn the dinner rolls because Uncle Fred was telling you about his latest political theory, take a moment to remind yourself about what you do love about your family.  It just may be what keeps you wanting to come back year after year.

This past week, having survived the evacuations and power outages caused by the Kinkade fires in my county, I’ve had an interesting re-awakening to the meaning of community.  While being more of an introvert who lives in a rather remote home environment, the realization of how vulnerable I am as an individual was never more apparent than when faced with a looming natural disaster.  The networks of relatedness and dependency became all too clear as we each sat and listened to the radio for news from our community leaders, texted one another to check in and share information, and offered one another resources, many families sharing homes (thank you Hart Kaufman family!), volunteering in evacuation centers, and providing food and care as needed.  Whether we are aware or not, we are all part of multiple layers of community including family, friendships, religious or spiritual, political, social, professional, and the list goes on. This weeks post is an homage to this interconnection that we too often take for granted.

The dictionary definition of community involves both a boundary and a relationship.  The boundary aspect is defined as “a group of people living in the same place or having a particular characteristic in common.”  This can be your County, your neighborhood or your housing. It can also be your ethnicity, your religion, or your love of hummingbirds.  We are all complicated beings with many possible layers of community defined by our our unique combination of both inherent and chosen identity characteristics and interests.  The relationship aspect of the definition of community involves “a feeling of fellowship with others, as a result of sharing common attitudes, interests, and goals.” It is our tribal human nature that once we define ourselves as having something in common, a sense of bonding or camaraderie tends to follow.  

Particularly in California culture, the Western notion of individual achievement and autonomy of spirit is valued.  We think of the lone cowboy riding off on his horse for our history and the brilliant home grown entrepreneur of modern day heroics. But the fact is, that no one lives without community and we all reap the benefits of that collective structure.  It is the very essence of civilization and society providing us with rules to live by, streets to drive on, and places to feel safe. But that all feels so abstract, until a fire bears down on your home and smoke fills the air. Suddenly and with great clarity, we come to see how much we need each other.  Community provides resources and knowledge. It provides support and comfort, and it provides leadership and opportunities for service. There is nothing that bridges differences better than a shared sense of community effort.  

As people return to their homes and the smoke in the air clear, I hope we can all keep the spirit that holds us together during these tough times.  Personally, it has encouraged me to take a look at my own sense of community belonging and how it has changed. I don’t have children in the local schools any more, and this was a big source of community for me for many years.  Replacing community feels to be an important effort that I could easily ignore. Over time, layering disconnections can lead to isolation. I see this in my work every day, the breakdown of family and social connections that leads to depression and isolation.  It’s very hard to be alone, but it’s also very challenging to join in once you feel like an outsider.  

When I think about who I am, I think about myself as an individual:  Romanian, college graduate, psychologist, New York Giants fan. But every one of these pieces of identity is within a community that offers the opportunity for connection.   It does take effort, but stepping up and out of my comfort zone is an important thing to do for my emotional and physical well being. Community gives me a sense of purpose and belonging when times are good and resources and support for times when I need help.  Disasters can come at any time and in many forms for each of us: fire, drought, divorce, illness. The old cliches still ring true: No person is an island and we all need someone to lean on. And if you’ve watched the NY Giants this season, you know how true that is.