After writing in my last post about the positive shift in attitude I feel when I use the word I “get” to versus I “have” to, I began to think about another word change.  I notice I also experience the same tightness in my body that happens when I say “have” whenever I use the word “should.”  I also realize how often I say it! So this week, as a follow up, I’ll spend some words on this word.

Most of us have heard the phrase “You’re shoulding all over yourself.”  We recognize that when we use the word should it invokes a little burst of guilt.  Hence the tightness. So I started reframing that each time I use the word ‘should” I’m actually identifying an ambivalence.  I want to have cake and ice cream for dinner, but I also know its healthier to eat the chicken. Should alerts us that we want something else rather than what we feel is the “right” thing to do.  I should do the dishes, but I want to watch This Is Us.  I should call the insurance guy, but I don’t want to talk to him.  

Obviously, it’s not a good idea to do whatever we want.  Shoulds impose reason and reflect important internalized messages of past learning that are necessary.  But should has a childlike quality; like when I was a little girl and for my own well being had to do what my parents and teachers wanted.  Should makes me feel young and beholden to some authority and therefore makes me feel that my desires are in some way bad. Inevitably, it makes me a bit rebellious.  Ironically then, the more I feel like I should do something, the less likely I am to do it. And then the more I put it off, the more resentful I am about it.

So the antidote?  I have been playing around with replacing I “should” with I “ choose.”  It helps me own whatever I should do as a choice that I, as my adult self, am making, rather than being guilted to please someone else.  Whenever I hear a should, I’m trying to think it of it as information about my own ambivalence. It helps me explore the basis for the should as well.  Sometimes shoulds are based on things that are good for me, and sometimes not. Often, my shoulds come from my desire to please other people. I should volunteer for the fundraiser, I should apologize, or I should say yes to something.  I do it because I want approval rather then really what’s true for me.  

Again, being an adult often requires doing things we don’t want to do.  But it also allows us to go off the rails once in a while because we’ve achieved the maturity to get back on track.  It’s ultimately all about weighing pros and cons and making a choice, then taking responsibility for the choice. Saying I choose rather than I should affirms my behavior as a decision rather than an imposed activity.  I’m also finding that when I say I “should” do something, it leaves it in the future. When I change it to I choose to do it, it brings it into the now. It also helps me prioritize. Rather than having a list of shoulds building up, I can evaluate what’s most important to me at any given time.  Yes, I should be cleaning the house, but right now, writing my blog is more important to me. Or, yes, having the cake and ice cream for dinner would be fun, but keeping my sugar in balance is more important to me. And sometimes, in switching from I “should” to I “choose,” we actually give ourselves permission to compromise.  

So here’s my choice:  After I write this I’ll call the insurance guy, have a piece of the leftover chicken for dinner, do the dishes, and relax with the slice of cake while I watch my recorded episode of This Is Us.  Hmmmm what do you know.  Being an adult isn’t all that bad!