I recently heard a little technique that has had a relatively powerful effect on my attitude and mood at times when I’ve needed it.  It came from a woman in one of the groups I am fortunate to facilitate. (If there’s an original author who should get credit, I apologize, I did my best to find you via Google). This tool is quick, involves just one word, but takes me from a feeling of obligation and low enthusiasm to a feeling of gratitude and enthusiasm.  The word is “get” and replaces the word “have” in this simple sentence: “I get to” versus “I have to”. (Hand to head in explosion gesture!)

Here’s the magic:  I am driving home from work pretty tired.  I suddenly realize that I never made it to the grocery store over the weekend and have very little with which to make dinner. Worse yet, we’re out of coffee for the morning.  I feel a heaviness in my already worn out body as I tell myself, “You have to go to the grocery store.” I imagine the busy parking lot, the annoyance at how long it takes to think about and find what I need, the long line at check out and feel a sense of dread.  I picture this exhausting scenario versus just going straight home to take off my heels and lounge on the couch. I feel annoyed and obligated, burdened and resentful.

Then I wave the wand by substituting the word “get” for “have” and say out loud, “You GET to go the grocery store.”  I know it sounds so hokey, but it suddenly shifts my energy. I’m suddenly thinking about all the fresh produce I am so lucky to have available here in Sonoma County.  I think of all the work that has gone into the production of the food and other items I will consume. I begin to think more creatively about what I might make for dinner and don’t take for granted that I can just walk in and purchase what I need to satisfy my hunger. I am now in a frame of mind of appreciation and bounty, gratitude and openness.

It doesn’t work every time to that degree, but each time I’ve tried it (I experimented with it for a month before feeling good about writing about it), I always find something good about what I “have” to do that makes me feel more open.  With a change in that one little word I move from an attitude of victimhood to a feeling of privilege; from looking at what is negative about what I’m about to do to looking at what is positive. I see each activity in my life for the choice it really is rather than the obligation.  

As someone who enjoys both reading and writing, I am a lover of words. I often reflect on the choice of language and what it means in my writing and in my work with people as a facilitator of self expression and communication.  But every once in a while an example of the power of vocabulary comes along and rocks my world (yes, I know, I am old.) It’s the closest thing to magic or miracle I know. So please, give it a try and see what it does for you.  I promise, there’s no danger, no side effects, and it doesn’t cost you a penny. And since it’s all in your mind, you never have to worry about leaving your wand or magic hat at home!

I just returned from moving my younger daughter across the country for her first year of college (insert bittersweet tears here). The school had a gathering for us new parents with several of the big wig Deans giving us a pep talk, of sorts, that all of our many dollars were being well invested (insert anxious tears here).  The President of the College, Philip J. Hanlon, however, had a bit of good advice for us that I appreciated most of all. It made a lot of sense to me and for anyone making a big change.

“Your son or daughter will probably be calling you at some point to say they don’t fit in,” he warned us.  It may be after their first exam when they get a lower grade than they are used to, when they get a paper back with more red ink then they have seen in all of high school or when they look around and feel everyone else looks fine and they feel so very different.  Just remind them at those moments that they did not come here to fit in, he encouraged us. They chose their school to be challenged and to expand their skills and experiences. They will need to work hard and to ask for help. They will need to tolerate being uncomfortable and feeling inadequate.  They will need to give it time and to trust the process (my words). With all of that, eventually, they will grow and change to a new identity that fits in with their new surroundings.

As a constant student of change, I loved being reminded of these words to say to my daughter or to anyone going through a change.  And to remind myself when I’m trying something new and feel I don’t fit in. When it is a change you choose to make it is no doubt easier.  You have a vision and a goal to motivate your change. You feel your expansion to fit a new identity is in an “upward” direction. But sometimes the change we must adapt to is not wanted and not asked for.  No one wants to take on the identity of a widow, an ill patient, or being unemployed. But these indeed are new identities that require us to build new skills and tolerate anxiety and insecurity. Although we didn’t sign up for it we still inevitably must learn through periods of loneliness and self doubt how to manage and where we need to alter ourselves.  The same holds true as well for the process of change whether it is chosen or not – that it takes time, hard work, and it is best to ask for help.  

I clearly remember feeling in my first year of college, my first year of graduate school, seeing my first clients (sorry, I did my best), my first year of marriage, and my first year of motherhood (sorry, I did my best), that I did not fit in.  Same was true in my first year of caretaking my mother, looking for a job after being laid off, and being an adult orphan. Whenever we go through a change, we ourselves need to change. Our identities, capacities, opinions, and perspectives inevitably do change along with us.  By definition and by necessity, we are not the same. We no longer fit in to who we were, but expand out to become who we are now.

My younger daughter invited me to attend a talk given by the distinguished astronaut Sunita Williams.  What an impressive person! Having graduated from the Naval Academy, she learned to fly helicopters and did so in several tours of duty, then she became a test pilot, and eventually was chosen to become an astronaut.  After piloting the space shuttle, she moved on to become the Commander during her six months of time on the International Space Station. My daughter, being the curious and persistent young woman she is, waited and waited in line to greet Commander Williams.  The advice she gave my daughter, as a young woman interested in a male dominated field of science, was well worth the price of admission and I think a gift to share with others.

“Confidence comes from competence” was her message.  In other words, learn, train and practice practice practice.  In order to be taken seriously she had to be good at what she did.  Out in space, no one cared about her gender as long as she could keep them alive in a crisis. She had to keep practicing and improving her skills in order to be as best prepared for whatever might happen that she could not ever anticipate.  At the same time, she had to have the humility to accurately evaluate herself and take feedback. She shared about the importance of a leader knowing how and when to be a follower as a critical skill for success. As a leader, she had to have confidence enough to give way to other’s opinions without being threatened.   

Confidence without competence is entitlement  In a Harvard Business Review article by Thomas Chamarro-Premuzic, titled “Why Do So Many Incompetent Men Become Leaders,” he addresses this problem.  He posits that we often fail to distinguish between confidence and competence and concludes that this bias toward confidence “too often results in the selection of arrogant and self-centered leaders.”  These very traits (overvaluing yourself) are actually inversely related to leadership ability. He further writes: “The paradoxical implication is that the same psychological characteristics that enable male managers to rise to the  top of the corporate ladder also leads to their downfall.” Being a good self promoter is not just different from, but in direct contrast to what it takes to actually be a good leader.

We may not aspire to be a space walker or a Fortune 500 business leader, but we each have goals of things we’re learning to do that are really difficult.  We feel awkward and insincere when we first do them. But with practice, if we keep learning and practicing, the confidence does come. The more we try, the better we will  get, the more confident we will be. If we wait to have confidence, we’ll never have the chance to get the competence! And as Sunita Williams suggests, true confidence, the kind that allows for humility and team work, comes when we continue to put ourselves to the test over and over again.  The deeper we build our foundation of competence, the more stability there will be for our confidence!