Last week I wrote about my wedding anniversary.  This week what’s on my mind is a different kind of anniversary, the anniversary reaction.  I was hesitant to write about it because I’d written a post about it before, but then it occurred to me that repetition is exactly the point!  An anniversary reaction, or as Ellen Hendrickson, PhD refers to as “the echo of a trauma or a loss,” is a repetition of a date or month or even a season during which a significant or traumatic event occurred.  And for me, today being my deceased sister Sarah’s birthday, and the smoke of wildfires causing my daughter’s school to close, the echoes of multiple losses are whispering loudly.

As research shows is common, although an anniversary reaction is predictable, the intensity and quality greatly varies.  Some years on my sister’s birthday or the anniversary date of her death I find myself sad and cranky, waking up in the middle of the night until I remember.  Other years I anticipate the date, often with a mix of dread and bittersweet nostalgia, appreciating that I still care and remember my sister reflexively. As I walk around our city today, with a deep smell of smoke and the sight of people wearing air filter masks, the topic of conversation is a collective sense of traumatic recall, people triggered by the similarities with a year ago’s tragic events.  Even the checker at my grocery store shared with me her evacuation story from last year’s fire.

If you are lucky enough to live a long time, the anniversary dates will stack up.  Each season may bring the anniversary date of the loss of someone or something important.  We can have reactions to a loss of a job, an accident, or even a move from far away. Any big change, especially if sudden and unpredictable, will be stored in our psyche, ripe to be triggered by the association of the time of year it took place.  Depending on your current stress or life circumstances, the awareness and the reaction will ebb and flow.

Two big steps I’ve found helpful are preparation and ritual.  If I note the date ahead of time in my calendar and create some kind of commemoration, as small as lighting a candle or reading a poem, or visiting somewhere that has pleasant memories, it gives my feelings a container and a space to be experienced.  It also helps to tell people. Even if it has been a long time since the actual event, trauma lives in our minds and our bodies, and the best healing for trauma is sharing our stories and finding comfort.

WIth the holiday season coming, filled with all of the traditions and memories, it’s important to remember that life is rich and complex.  We can have both pleasant and distressing memories at the same time, connected to the same event. An anniversary can make us feel sad that so much time has passed since we were last with someone we loved and we also can cherish and have gratitude for the person we lost and the new love we have found.

And lastly, for most people, an anniversary reaction usually is a finite period of time.  It helps to remind myself that once the date passes, I usually feel better within a few days or weeks.  And if you don’t, it may be a good opportunity to reach out for some help. Our grief changes as we change, and even when we think we have worked through something, it just may need to be revisited again.  There is nothing wrong with you if sadness or trauma resurfaces. In fact the best anniversary gift you can give yourself for old trauma might just be some new support and compassion.