While we’re still digesting turkey and pie, the world quickly shifts to Christmas (although it’s been Christmas at Costco since Halloween.)  And with the way the lunar calendar falls out, Hanukah is practically here, the first night being December 2nd! With wildfires and hurricanes and political fall out, there is a darkness that hangs over this season, possibly for you, but most assuredly for someone you love.  It can be a lonely time for people, and compounding it, people who care may hold back from reaching out, simply out of discomfort of not knowing what to say or what to do. In thinking about this, I found a great resource to help us all stay connected and supportive this season.

#OptionBThere is a website that offers tips and support for people going through loss or hard times and for the people that care about them during the holidays.  It is a timely edition of the larger OptionB, which is a website based on the book written by Sheryl Sandberg (of Facebook) and her experience of losing her husband suddenly.  Worried about raising a son alone, she consulted experts about how to build resilience after tragedy. From the book, she began the website that offers guidance and ways to connect with others. They have literally hundreds of articles and support group options for everything from grief and loss, incarceration, divorce and separation, health and injury, abuse and sexual assault, and LGBQT facing rejection.  

One of the best gifts you can give this holiday season is to be there for friends and loved ones who are separated from family, coping with loss, or going through other challenges. Small gestures of love and support—from heartfelt cards to thoughtful conversations—go a long way.  #OptionBThere

Some good tips from #OptionBThere include offering practical help to someone, including grocery shopping, cleaning, cooking, or helping them manage purchasing gifts.  They also have ways to greet someone with sensitivity and words of caring, such as simply saying, “I’m here for you this holiday season.” They even have a series of holiday cards you can send for no cost via e-mail.  I was impressed that Papyrus partnered to develop these cards (it’s nice to know that’s where your eight dollars a card at Target goes).

Personally, this is my first holiday season without either of my parents.  I already feel an emptiness. While I know it will be an honor to carry on some of the traditions my parents started for us (grab bags for each night of Chanukah followed by a visit from Santa the last night?), there is a bittersweetness.  What #OptionBThere offers is a way to help people create a holiday that works for them. There is even a section advising how to “declare Your Holiday Bill of Rights.” I found it helpful just to know what I am feeling is normal and how to express it without bringing others down.

While nothing can replace someone you love or take away the losses you experience, feeling the supportive presence of others is a huge help. So please, take the time to read through #OptionBThere and share it with people you know. And if you really feel the giving spirit, go ahead and make a donation. In the words of Option B:  “show your friends and loved ones that you’re there for them – and that you understand how they’re really feeling this holiday season.  Blah-la-la-la-la,la-la,la, la!”

Last week I wrote about my wedding anniversary.  This week what’s on my mind is a different kind of anniversary, the anniversary reaction.  I was hesitant to write about it because I’d written a post about it before, but then it occurred to me that repetition is exactly the point!  An anniversary reaction, or as Ellen Hendrickson, PhD refers to as “the echo of a trauma or a loss,” is a repetition of a date or month or even a season during which a significant or traumatic event occurred.  And for me, today being my deceased sister Sarah’s birthday, and the smoke of wildfires causing my daughter’s school to close, the echoes of multiple losses are whispering loudly.

As research shows is common, although an anniversary reaction is predictable, the intensity and quality greatly varies.  Some years on my sister’s birthday or the anniversary date of her death I find myself sad and cranky, waking up in the middle of the night until I remember.  Other years I anticipate the date, often with a mix of dread and bittersweet nostalgia, appreciating that I still care and remember my sister reflexively. As I walk around our city today, with a deep smell of smoke and the sight of people wearing air filter masks, the topic of conversation is a collective sense of traumatic recall, people triggered by the similarities with a year ago’s tragic events.  Even the checker at my grocery store shared with me her evacuation story from last year’s fire.

If you are lucky enough to live a long time, the anniversary dates will stack up.  Each season may bring the anniversary date of the loss of someone or something important.  We can have reactions to a loss of a job, an accident, or even a move from far away. Any big change, especially if sudden and unpredictable, will be stored in our psyche, ripe to be triggered by the association of the time of year it took place.  Depending on your current stress or life circumstances, the awareness and the reaction will ebb and flow.

Two big steps I’ve found helpful are preparation and ritual.  If I note the date ahead of time in my calendar and create some kind of commemoration, as small as lighting a candle or reading a poem, or visiting somewhere that has pleasant memories, it gives my feelings a container and a space to be experienced.  It also helps to tell people. Even if it has been a long time since the actual event, trauma lives in our minds and our bodies, and the best healing for trauma is sharing our stories and finding comfort.

WIth the holiday season coming, filled with all of the traditions and memories, it’s important to remember that life is rich and complex.  We can have both pleasant and distressing memories at the same time, connected to the same event. An anniversary can make us feel sad that so much time has passed since we were last with someone we loved and we also can cherish and have gratitude for the person we lost and the new love we have found.

And lastly, for most people, an anniversary reaction usually is a finite period of time.  It helps to remind myself that once the date passes, I usually feel better within a few days or weeks.  And if you don’t, it may be a good opportunity to reach out for some help. Our grief changes as we change, and even when we think we have worked through something, it just may need to be revisited again.  There is nothing wrong with you if sadness or trauma resurfaces. In fact the best anniversary gift you can give yourself for old trauma might just be some new support and compassion.