I was e-mailing a friend and colleague that I hadn’t talked to for a while, trading our “How have you beens.” Her response was not what I expected, however, and made me stop for a minute to re-read. “I am no longer the busiest person I know,”  Rossana shared, and described the deliberate changes she’d made to slow down, do less, and make space for quiet. As I thought about what surprised me, it occurred to me how rare it is, and actually refreshing, to hear somebody so pleased and proud to be less busy.

It’s much more common to hear the opposite, I think most of us would agree.  So frequently when you ask someone how they are, you’ll hear them go on about how busy their lives are, between work, travel, and social engagements. And especially people who are retired, I’ve noticed, will tell you how so very busy they are, even when they have no professional obligations and set their own schedules!   What is it that makes us overstuff our lives, making a plan for every moment? It almost seems that being busy is a badge of honor that proves we’re important or popular. While most everyone, myself included, say they long for more free time, we fill up our calendars the first chance we get.

I can’t help wonder whats driving our obsessive need to do so many things and then post about it on social media.  In fact, I often discover with people I work with in therapy, and for myself, that NOT being busy brings up fears of being unworthy or unloved. We may fear losing respect or connection if we miss out on an opportunity or worry we may let someone down if we don’t live up to an expectation. We, as a society, are addicted to feeling productive, it seems. Sitting still or doing nothing feels like wasted time, and makes people uncomfortable. And cell phones are the greatest tool to help us hide, both as constant entertainment that distracts us or as a way to instantly reassure ourselves of our importance.

I also notice that in a busy culture that values achievement over affiliation, we tend to feel that “time is money.” With this pressure, time feels more and more valuable, which, ironically, makes us try to squeeze more and more into every moment.  And the more we shove into our schedules, the more harried we feel, and paradoxically, the less we enjoy what we’re doing. Even Google has noticed how impatient we’ve become. Their research shows that most people now will abandon a video if it takes more than five seconds to load!

Perhaps it’s just human nature to mistake quantity of engagement for quality.  Writers and philosophers throughout history have worried about squandering the brief time we have on this Earth.  And they didn’t have to contend with binge watching Grey’s Anatomy. So for me, Rossana’s wise example (thanks for allowing me to share it) made me reflect on the difference between being with people versus truly feeling connected, and doing something versus actually being fulfilled. The former experiences can only become the latter if we offer both our time and full attention. Because the truth is, when it comes down to living a full life, we actually need to do less to experience more.