It happens to a lot of us.  You tell someone you’ll have something done by a certain day, but you’re not able to do it.  Your friend e-mails to remind you, and although you mean to get back to them, you think it’s better to respond after you’ve finished what they asked for, which in your mind will surely be tomorrow.  But tomorrow comes, and the next day, and you just don’t have the time to get to it. And then comes the texts. As you read them you get irritated and more anxious. You wish you never agreed to do the favor in the first place, and resent your friend for harassing you.

Sound familiar?  This is the avoidance trap, and while people rely on it as a coping strategy, it really isn’t coping at all.  In fact, avoidance usually makes things worse and takes a toll on relationships. While it may provide relief in the short term, it’s really just  an illusion and a way of denying what’s really going on – feelings of embarrassment or fears of negative judgments, or even a fear of conflict. And these feelings tend to snowball quickly.  The more you avoid something, the bigger the feelings get around it, both for you not wanting to talk to your friend, and your friend being hurt or annoyed at you for ignoring them. And when avoiding becomes a habit, it tends to erode your self esteem.  You feel embarrassed and often get trapped in all the little lies that often accompany avoidance, such as making excuses, or promises you know you can’t keep. Research shows that avoidance actually magnifies stress as well as increases anxiety.

So when you feel the urge to avoid a phone call or a text, a request or a conversation, take this as a sign.  Ask yourself what you are really avoiding. Is it the fear that you made someone angry or disappointed? Is the project too challenging and you are afraid to ask for help or more time?  If you can identify the source of what is actually troubling you, it helps to sort out how

to approach a more active solution. Once you do, then the next step is to communicate. Often the reaction you get will be far better than you fear. People are usually much more understanding than your own critical voice inside your head and can help be a part of problem solving a solution. And besides, people prefer to know the truth of what is happening, even if it is bad news, than to be ignored!  Quite often, once you share what is going on, you both feel a sense of relief. So the next time you notice yourself hiding out, take it as a sign you need to reach out.