A lot has been written about the benefits of identifying your values and sorting through which are most important to you. Then, by matching your daily life to be more in line with these values, you are able to live a more fulfilled and authentically happy life. And while I strongly agree with this process, and have written about it quite a few times myself in past posts, this week I have been thinking about how “living our values” can sometimes go wrong.
It happens on a fairly regular basis in sessions with passionate and loving people that I am working with. We are talking about their values, and, as is most often the case, how these values conflict, requiring us to sort through to clarify their priorities in a given situation. And while reflecting on competing values, there seems to be a value that stands out from the others. It comes out in statements like, “I could never miss a day, because I must always be reliable” or “My son needs to do what I say, because respect is the most important thing to me.” While seeming to be a value, there is a rigidity to these statements that often sends a red flag that these prioroties may not be as they seem. They have an intensity to them and a quality of judgment that stands out, triggering strong emotions and reactivity. You can think of these values as “bully values,” ones that push around our other values and seem to limit our ability to see the benefits of compromise.
When I stop to explore the energy behind what I suspect may be a bully value, what we often find is a need, a fear, or a wounding of some kind that is playing out with moral authority. The intensity or rigidity to the “value” is an attempt to control ourselves or our environment to protect us from some fear or pain. For example, it might be a good idea to miss a day of work for your own well being. But the fear of being lazy or letting others down may make it impossible for you to give yourself a day off, allowing a harsh self judgement to hide as the value of reliability. Or it may serve your relationship with your son to allow him to vent frustration, but because you were severely criticized by your own father and never felt respected, you are triggered by this past dynamic and demand that he show you respect. You may find yourself spending too much energy “correcting” how your child speaks to you rather than nurturing understanding with him.
Self judgments can be the most powerful value bullies. They have a way of eating at our self worth and setting up demands that create imbalance in our lives. The bully within can do more to harm us than anyone around us. So stand up to this bully and any other bully value that is pushing you and your other values around. When you find yourself with any statement that has a “should” or a “never” or “always,” beware. There just might be an old or fearful part of yourself that is after more than your lunch money!