I had a relative who used to say, “expect nothing and you won’t be disappointed.” This phrase always made me sad when I heard him say it, and to be honest, a little angry.  As a young person, I thought it was cynical and gave the message that we shouldn’t bother to try. As an adult, I see the protective factor that underlies this philosophy, and although many people may not say the exact phrase, I have come to see how people embrace this style of being in the world as a defense. So, in this weeks post, I am writing in support of disappointments with the hope if we can embrace them, or at least learn to tolerate them, we become freed up to also embrace our expectations.

It’s so common that we are afraid to tell people about our hopes or what we are striving for.  It’s as if there is shame in reaching for something that is beyond what we think is possible. We have such an emphasis on success in our culture, that it makes people feel ashamed or embarrassed to try for something and not make it.  I so often hear people say, “Oh I don’t want people to know I applied for that position, in case I don’t get it,” or “I don’t want people to know I am trying to quit smoking, because then I will look like such a loser if I slip.” What a lonely way to be in the world, and what a judgmental place as well!

Expectations are important to have for ourselves and for our relationships.  They set standards of what is appropriate and for what we would like to have happen.  Within ourselves, expectations help us set goals, and reach for what could be a better life.  Within relationships, expectations create boundaries for how we want to be treated and for what we find acceptable.  High expectations can lead to higher achievement and higher self esteem.

Where we get into trouble with expectations is when they are too rigid.  We need to have flexibility to tolerate not always reaching the mark. People will not always live up to our hopes for them, and we ourselves, will fall short.  Knowing how to handle this gives us strength to risk a dissapointment. Every disappointment involves a little bit of a grieving process. We have to mourn what we had hoped for, and accept the reality of what will not be.  

But this grieving process is like building up endurance.  The more we go through it, the better we become at it. The first time I sent in a writing piece, it felt like the world, or at least my world, was at stake.  To be rejected meant that I was a terrible writer, and that I would never have any success. But in learning to handle the rejection with perspective, I am learning to embrace disappointments as part of the journey of striving for something more.  Be sad, even shed a tear, then learn what you can, and move on.

“Expecting nothing, “ as my relative endorsed, seems to me now as the surest way to be disappointed.  For when it is all said and done, living without risk or heart break may actually lead to a very disappointing life in the long run.

A lot has been written about the benefits of identifying your values and sorting through which are most important to you.  Then, by matching your daily life to be more in line with these values, you are able to live a more fulfilled and authentically happy life.  And while I strongly agree with this process, and have written about it quite a few times myself in past posts, this week I have been thinking about how “living our values” can sometimes go wrong.

It happens on a fairly regular basis in sessions with passionate and loving people that I am working with. We are talking about their values, and, as is most often the case, how these values conflict, requiring us to sort through to clarify their priorities in a given situation. And while reflecting on competing values, there seems to be a value that stands out from the others.  It comes out in statements like, “I could never miss a day, because I must always be reliable” or “My son needs to do what I say, because respect is the most important thing to me.”  While seeming to be a value, there is a rigidity to these statements that often sends a red flag that these prioroties may not be as they seem.  They have an intensity to them and a quality of judgment that stands out, triggering strong emotions and reactivity. You can think of these values as “bully values,” ones that push around our other values and seem to limit our ability to see the benefits of compromise.

When I stop to explore the energy behind what I suspect may be a bully value, what we often find is a need, a fear, or a wounding of some kind that is playing out with moral authority.  The intensity or rigidity to the “value” is an attempt to control ourselves or our environment to protect us from some fear or pain.  For example, it might be a good idea to miss a day of work for your own well being.  But the fear of being lazy or letting others down may make it impossible for you to give yourself a day off, allowing a harsh self judgement to hide as the value of reliability.  Or it may serve your relationship with your son to allow him to vent frustration, but because you were severely criticized by your own father and never felt respected, you are triggered by this past dynamic and demand that he show you respect.  You may find yourself  spending too much energy “correcting” how your child speaks to you rather than nurturing understanding with him.

Self judgments can be the most powerful value bullies.  They have a way of eating at our self worth and setting up demands that create imbalance in our lives.  The bully within can do more to harm us than anyone around us.  So stand up to this bully and any other bully value that is pushing you and your other values around.  When you find yourself with any statement that has a “should” or a “never” or “always,” beware.  There just might be an old or fearful part of yourself that is after more than your lunch money!