Every January, gyms and weight loss centers are packed.  We all make New Year’s Resolutions about our health and happiness with the best of intentions.  What I’ve been thinking about this year, however, is something we tend to overlook in our goal setting, but is a key factor in our happiness – our relationships, especially our most intimate ones.  If we have a partner who we are generally happy with, we tend to take it for granted, and if we are unhappy, we can develop a helpless attitude that leads to a blaming mindset.  So in this week’s post, I invite us to do some thinking about our most intimate connection and explore some ways we can attend to our relationship health.

One of the biggest challenges in relationship is to love someone for who they are, and not who we want them to be.  Even when we are probably pushing for change out of love, as in seeing someone’s potential and wanting them to achieve it, this type of thinking can lead to an attitude of judgment.  Our loved one can feel criticized and it it can lead to insecurities that are painful.  In the long run, nagging or pressuring someone to change tends to backfire.  In truth, when someone feels loved and valued, they are most open to taking some risks and adopting new attitudes or behaviors.  Making sure we express the gratitude and love for someone just as they are is a worthy resolution.

Don’t forget to see the good.  Recognize that while you may have differences, there is much you share in common.  Just as we often overlook what is habitual, we tend to overlook all the ways in which our relationship is working and the core values that hold people together.  Making a conscious effort to affirm what is good and what you respect about your partner is a helpful balance to the nagging frustrations of day to day life.  Remembering that your husband is a spiritual person with good intentions may be important to you, even if he does not practice the same rituals or religion you do.  Or maybe your husband doesn’t love to watch football the way you do, but he is an athletically minded person who likes to hike with you.  Our attitudes are often shaped by what we focus on.  As a gift to yourself, resolve to focus on what is positive in your relationship.

And finally, in thinking about how to support our relationships in the New Year, be your partner’s trusted ally.  The world is full critics, at work, at school, maybe even by other family members or friends. While you may not agree with everything your partner says or does, be sure to be the person who gives them the benefit of the doubt.   Make sure you are respecting your partner to other people.  You are not responsible for your partner’s behavior, but rather than throwing them under the bus, do what you can to make them look good or respect their difference of opinion.  It builds intimacy in a relationship when you know someone has your back.

So starting this New Year, put some thought into some relationship bad habits that need attending to, just as much as a mindful reset of your eating or drinking habits.  Avoid the traps of whining and complaining, or siding with someone else, such as your child, in order to be the hero.  These are cheap ways to make ourselves feel good in the moment.  In the long run, relationship health has a big impact on overall life satisfaction.  It’s truly worth the time to institute some healthy relationship habits in this fresh start to the year.