This past week was the Jewish New Year, a time when we’re encouraged to reflect on our lives and make reparations for the things we regret, especially with important people in our lives.  I was thinking a lot about how powerful relationships are and with this, how much responsibility there is when we hold this power with someone.  Some types of power come in the form of appointed positions of authority, perhaps as a boss, teacher, or leader of an organization.  Other types of relational power come simply from being loved by someone, as parents, partners, friends, or sister-in-laws, even.  Our opinions and the way we use our power really matters and our words can be extremely impactful.  Often we’re so focused on how others are treating us, that we miss the influence we do have, or could have, on someone in our lives.  

In thinking about the potential that comes with this power, I am reminded of something I read about Nelson Mandela.  He was the son of a tribal chief, and recalled two important lessons from watching his father at tribal meetings. First they would always sit in a circle.  Second, his father was always the last to speak.  To be an effective leader, Mandela came to understand, you must gather the opinions and ideas of all involved, making sure that everyone has been heard and contributes.  While listening, you only ask clarifying questions to better understand.  This, he explains, creates an environment where everyone feels valued, and the leader benefits from the ideas of the group without influencing them with his authority.  If the leader speaks first, he might silence someone from sharing information or an important perspective, even a dissenting one.

Whether as a boss or a loving partner, our approval and opinions really have great influence.  We need to be aware of how our critical opinions can hurt or even shame someone, and how our support, encouragement, or acknowledgment can bring joy.  Even the simple act of noticing someone’s efforts, especially in the mundane routines of our daily lives, can have great effect.  Being thanked for our work, asked for our ideas, being given the benefit of the doubt for our intention even if we made a mistake, or being appreciated for our uniqueness by someone we respect and care for can shape our self image and give us resilience against the many challenges we face.

As Mandela learned from his father, by holding our tongues, especially when we have the authority to speak, we can often be most effective in our relationships.   This year, I am going to work to be more aware of this vulnerability with both my staff at work and with my loved ones at home.  I will remember the difference between choosing carefully to be the last to speak and forcefully needing to have the last word.  One is a loving focus on listening, the other, a selfish tactic to impose our authority.   It is an honor when someone depends on me and even a higher honor to be blessed with their love.  I must hold this as a precious gift, delicate and in need of great care.  Power may be appointed, but trust must be earned.