My older daughter went back for her Sophomore year of college and somehow I thought her leaving would be easier the second time around.  We’ve definitely learned some lessons (like scheduling more frequent visits, using Amazon prime to send her things quickly, and coordinating conversations in the different time zones) and we’ve gained the confidence of knowing that we can still be close, even if we’re far away. Having gone through it before, though, I’m frustrated that it’s still is as hard as it is. We always hope to learn from experience, so why is it that even when we’ve been through things before, we struggle?  So, I thought this would be a good week to reflect on “second time arounds” to help me better manage this second year.

When you do something for the first time, you go in with expectations, but when you do something the second time around, you go in with a set of real consequences from your first effort.  In some cases your experience was really good, and yet, it can make the second time harder.  Most novelists will tell you, the hardest novel to write is the one after their first successful one.  They agonize with self doubt and the pressure of having to create another success or be an “imposter.”  And if the first effort ended in “failure,” the second time around is filled with the burden of the baggage of disappointment, perhaps with a touch of resentment.  Second marriages actually have a 17% higher divorce rate than first marriages, and third marriages are 23% more likely than firsts to end in divorce.

In reviewing the literature on creating sustained success, or rebounding from hardship, a critical component is self honesty and awareness.  You can only learn from things if you are honest about what brought you to where you are.  It is crucial to take ownership for what you did that worked well (you are talented, you are forgiving) and what you need to improve (having more discipline or not being as reactive).  People often fear “failure” or making mistakes because they equate the failed experience with BEING a failure.  Our culture does not give much room for learning from mistakes.  In order to take advantage of our experience, we must take responsibility for ourselves.  Some people feel that if they agree to change, this means there is something wrong with them.  In order to protect our egos, we then look to external circumstances or what others did in a blaming way.  It’s often more comfortable to list everything wrong with an ex-spouse than admit we could have listened earlier on to what she or he was unhappy about.

Another critical step to sustained success or overcoming a setback is feedback.  We are often blind to our own selves, even if we are trying to be honest.  Even though it may be extremely painful, being open to the opinions, even criticisms of others, especially if it is a repeated theme, is a key to getting out of a trap of repeated patterns.  Getting other people’s perspectives can be really helpful and give us fresh eyes to a situation.  Identifying what went wrong as well as  what went right are both critical things to know.  What can you bring to your second effort that brought you success in your first?  Where might things have gone awry?  What would you do differently and what would you do again?  Sometimes we need other people to give us advice, new skills or just help us be accountable.

Most often I notice that when people look back to get perspective on a situation they’ve experienced, they get a much broader perspective.  Our minds tend to want to view experiences in all or nothing terms, such as “it was a complete disaster” or “it was the best thing that ever happened to me,” which rarely is ever true.  Life breaks down into smaller moments and thousands and thousands of little decisions, opportunities, and choices.  It was really never one action, one person, or one event that sums it all up.  Life is complex and always in a state of change.  Keeping open to what we can learn and letting go of how things went in the past is liberating as well as empowering.

So in thinking about second times around, I feel a bit lighter.  Because in fact, we never really do anything twice.   If we are learning from the past and staying open to the present, we can create a very different future.  This year, I may miss my daughter even more than I did last year, but I can also stay open to creating a new relationship with my bittersweet feelings regarding her growing up.  She is wiser, I am stronger, and we are definitely going to have a great time when I visit her in November since now she now knows all the fun things to do!  Experience tells her that Insomnia Cookies delivers warm snickerdoodles until 3 am!