I love texting and being able to shoot off an email late at night when it’s convenient for me, so I am truly not one of those anti-technology people  My iphone is almost always with me.  But as a person who also spends a lot of time analysing and working with communication, I have observed some real consequences that you might want to think about before you hit send.

Only 7% of human communication is through the content or words of our message, according to UCLA researcher Professor Albert Mehrabian.  The majority of communication is through sight and sound:  58% through body language and 35% through vocal tone, pitch, and emphasis.  Think about any sentence you can utter.  By using a smile or a scowl, a friendly tone or a sarcastic one, you can completely change the meaning.  This being the case, it is no wonder how often miscommunications happen with texts or emails.  It is truly a terrible way to create understanding and resolve an issue or settle a dispute.

In fact, I find that people often use these forms of communicating to, maybe without even realizing it, avoid resolution, or at least sabotage it.   By using email, we often say things we wouldn’t say face to face.  We don’t have to be in the presence of the person and deal with the response. We can protect ourselves from the other person’s distress, whether it’s anger, hurt, or strain in their voice.  When we type and send, we remain in control of the conversation.  While it feels powerful, it can also be a form of manipulation, especially if you don’t offer a follow up of a phone conversation or in person meeting to attend the other person’s point of view.

I often wonder if this is one of the factors contributing to our countries divide and people’s increasing sense of isolation.  When we can “say” things without consequence, limit actual dialog, and “share” a rant on facebook, we have no chance of finding common ground or creating understanding or at least connection.  In fact, when we express our anger by email without a follow up of conversation, it might feel good in the moment to tell someone off, but in reality, we leave ourselves in a place of victimhood.   It makes sense that over time a compounding of this victimhood could slowly erode our sense of connectedness and our capacity for intimacy and mutuality.  It takes courage to tell someone how you feel, especially when you are hurting.  But to do so in a vacuum robs you both of the profound grace and healing that reconciliation can create.  There is no substitute for hearing the words “sorry” and feeling arms around you in an embrace.

On the other hand, sending a text is so easy, it can create a false sense of connection and intimacy.  A woman I worked with was falling in love with a man she thought was so caring.  He texted her early each day to say good morning and throughout her day to say he was thinking of her.  But the truth was, when it came time to showing up for her when she needed help, a text was all he had to offer.  And he was offering it to more than just her, she came to find out!

I know that I personally have become lazy.  I use technology too often in place of conversation.  And in some cases, emails and texts do provide a great way to stay in touch and keep a connection with people I rarely can see, especially when we live in different parts of the country or world.  A clever phrase or aptly chosen emoji can bring a lot of humor into my day.  But we should all remind ourselves, that for anything nuanced, complex, or difficult to say, 7% is not using our full tool box for effective communication.  And if we find that we don’t want to say something in person, just as Thumper reminds us, we might best not say anything at all.

I came across a phrase this week that I wanted to share, as it describes an inspiring phenomena that I have been fortunate to witness, especially this past year.  The term is “post traumatic growth” and according to the research group who named it, it refers to a “positive change experienced as a result of a struggle with a major life crisis or a traumatic event.”  

According to the PTG researchers at the University of North Carolina, post traumatic growth tends to come in five general areas.  Some people who go through a major life crisis realize that opportunities emerge through the struggle, creating new possibilities that were not available before.  Some people find their relationships change, making them feel  closer to specific people and a greater sense of connection to others who are hurting.  A third area of change possible is an increased awareness of one’s own strength, developing a confidence from surviving something traumatic.  A fourth area is a greater appreciation for life in general, and a fifth is a deepening of spiritual awareness.  This shift is not necessarily in expected ways, as sometimes people experience a significant change in their belief systems as a consequence of a deepening spiritual awakening.

Distress and significant pain come with crises and unfortunately, few of us can avoid the inevitability of some type of major life event.  If we are living and loving we will face loss and random misfortunes that create physical and/or emotional chaos.  In no way is anyone implying that traumatic events are good, for I wish no one ever had to have have one.  But I have noticed and been tremendously moved in watching people come through a tragedy with new insight or skills that can have a positive effect in their lives.  I have witnessed friends suffer through cancer and treatment only to express deep emotional healing from the experience as it brought up many areas of their lives that needed attending to.  I am working with a woman who became homeless, literally having to sleep in her car in order to keep her cat.  She shocked me when she came in smiling, telling me that her back pain was much better since she was sleeping in an upright position, and that she in many ways hadn’t felt so good in a very long time.  She is going to get a special bed, she tells me, when she gets back to having a home.

Just as we can’t predict when a tragedy will occur, or how we will react to it, it makes me feel hopeful to know that suffering and growth are not mutually exclusive.  If I have to go through a horrible event, at least I can know that I can both suffer and experience positive change through the process.  As we support friends and family overcoming something difficult, it might help us to feel less helpless to know that people can and do experience positive transformation in a profoud way.

I like to think of Valentine’s Day as a celebration of love of all kinds.  Besides Eros, which means passionate love, Ancient Greek had three other words for love:  philia refers to the love of friendship, storge refers to familial love, and agape refers to selfless love or charity.  So even if you are not in a romantic relationship this year, take inventory of the love you do have and know that experiencing love is actually good for you.

It’s so important to remember that love comes in many forms.  This helps stave off the blues when you are not in a relationship and takes the pressure off of your romantic relationship if you are in one.  The happiest people report love of all kinds as being key – love of nature, love of learning, love of friends, and even a love for loving.  Incorporate love into your life.  Reach out to hug and hold hands with people. (This brings an instant mood boost.)  Look for opportunities to be playful with the people around you – laugh, dance, sing.  This tends to increase your connections and makes people feel closer.  Even something as simple as smiling at someone can make you both feel good.  Doing something kind for someone else and showing love is always the best way to ensure more love in your own life.  The more love you give, the more they you to receive.

Researchers lucky enough to be studying loving feelings have found many benefits.  Love actually creates happiness by causing the production of norepinephrine and dopamine in your brain leading to increased feelings of joy and pleasure.  Love helps boost self-esteem, leading to engaging in activities that contribute to better nutrition and decreases unhealthy lifestyle choices.  Feelings of love can lower the production of the stress hormone, cortisol.  In fact, love encourages your body to produce oxytocin, the “bonding” or “love” hormone that reduces overall stress, improves immune functioning, and decreases cell death and inflammation!

And don’t forget yourself.  It is hard for people to love you if you don’t feel you deserve it. Being able to receive love is an important part of psychological health.  Treat yourself like you would treat another person you are deeply in love with.  You are the best person to make you feel loved!

1-800-273-TALK (8255)  SUICIDE PREVENTION HELP LINE

Having worked in community mental health for three decades, I see a pattern each year.  Beginning in early February we get more calls and more people presenting with suicidal thinking.  Research shows that spring, rather than winter,  is the time that most people attempt suicide.  That is the bad news.  The good news is that people are coming to us for help.  Because of this important trend, I felt it important in this week’s post to share some information about suicide prevention.  Given that at any time approximately 25% of the population is suffering from depression, someone you know and love may be at risk.

According to Diane Sprice, the director of Suicide Prevention Services of the Central Coast, “The myth is that Christmas is the most high risk time for people to become suicidal, but it is actually springtime.”  Brice cites relationship troubles as the most frequent reason people call the suicide help line, followed by financial insecurity.  A Missouri hotline reported roughly 200 more calls on Valentine’s Day each year.  Once we get through the stress of winter, and the holiday, Brice says, “February comes and you’re supposed to be in love and you’re supposed to feel better…that’s when it gets really difficult for people, because of the expectation to feel better.”

For those who are lucky enough to have never experienced depression or suicidal thinking, it is very hard to understand why someone would think this way.  Especially when people externally seem to have success and so much to live for.  But depression has a way of distorting people’s thinking, bringing about a severe sense of hopelessness and despair that seems unending.  Thoughts of suicide are not a way of getting sympathy or attention, but a desire to end physical or emotional pain.  Most people who attempt suicide do not really want to die, they just don’t see any other way out of their suffering.  They actually convince themselves that others will be better off without their burden.

Only half of all Americans experiencing an episode of major depression receive treatment according to the National Alliance of Mental Illness.  They may be too hopeless, fear the stigma, or not have easy access to care.  The good news is, however, that 80 to 90% of people that seek treatment for depression are treated successfully using therapy and/or medication.  (This is what makes my work so rewarding!)  Therapy can help people find new ways to approach their problems and give people a sense of agency again while giving them a safe place to talk about their feelings.  Antidepressant medication can work on brain chemistry that has been affected by chronic stress or depression.

Some of the warning signs that someone is considering suicide are:  expressions of hopelessness, risk taking behavior, substance abuse, personality changes such as withdrawal, a lack of interest in the future, giving things away, lack of interest in future planning, and statements such as “you’d be better off without me.”  If you think someone is at risk, trust your instincts.  Talk with the person about your concerns, listening with empathy and a non-judgmental attitude.  Ask direct questions, such as if they have thoughts of hurting themselves and if they have a specific plan.  The more detailed the plan, the greater the risk.  Remove any means of carrying out the plan, such as medication, guns, or knives.  Never swear to secrecy or act in a punitive manner.  Even if the person resists, get professional help.  Remember and remind the person, suicidal thinking is a symptom of depression, not a personal failure.

Some Statistics:

• Suicide is the eighth leading cause of death in the United States, accounting for more than 1% of all deaths
• More years of life are lost to suicide than to any other single cause except heart disease and cancer
• 30,000 Americans die by suicide each year; an additional 500,000 Americans attempt suicide annually
• Suicide rates are highest in old age: 20% of the population and 40% of suicide victims are over 60. After age 75, the rate is three times higher than average, and among white men over 80, it is six times higher than average
• The highest suicide rates in the U.S. are among Whites, American Indians, and Alaska Natives
• Females attempt suicide three times more often than males, but males are 4 times more likely to die by suicide, as they tend to use more lethal methods such as firearms.
• An estimated quarter million people each year become suicide survivors.