At the stroke of midnight, after counting down and kissing loved ones, we sing Auld Lang Syne. This old Scottish tune written by Robert Burns in 1788, is used in the tradition to bid farewell to the old year. By extension, it is also sung at funerals and graduations and at the close of occasions, including Boy Scout jamborees, I just learned. It poses the question of how we move forward and maintain relation to those we leave behind: “Should Old Acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind?” New Years for many is a bittersweet time. Especially for those of us who have lost someone dear to us, the marking of a new year naturally brings up sadness for those we leave behind.
Grief comes in waves. There is no timetable to it and it surely is not a straight line of feeling better every day. I can personally say that after 22 years of grieving for my sister, I have good days and bad, good years and bad ones. But I can also say that, as other people assured me would happen, although the pain remains, I have learned to live with it. In some ways the grief is like a familiar friend, a reminder of the connection I still have to this important relationship. It can still be pretty darn painful, though, and there are surprising times when a memory, sound, or even a scent can bring me back as if it just happened yesterday,
Honoring your grief is vital. Grief is not an illness that we need to avoid or be free of to be healthy. It is a natural response that reflects the love and attachment that gives meaning to our lives. Close relationships help regulate our daily psychological and physical functioning. The loss of them can leave us feeling less in control and disoriented.
Common to grief, even after many years, is exhaustion. We often underestimate how we can physically manifest the complex emotions we have as we grieve. We also tend to have difficulty thinking clearly. Especially in the early stages of grief, making decisions and remembering even the simplest of things can be difficult. Grief often is accompanied by feelings of loneliness and isolation. The world can feel like it is moving on without us and our loved one. We may have a lot of ambivalence about moving on, feeling that each step “forward” is a step away from the person who is no longer with us. We may feel pressure from the rest of the world to “move on.”
When someone we love dies, the loss is permanent and so is our grief. We can find a new normal, however, that incorporates our feelings of loss and our desire to keep the memory of our loved one an active presence in the world. There are many ways that people effectively do this, and finding a best way for your situation is important. Going to a grief support group can be helpful. It provides a place to talk about what you are feeling with other people who understand. Developing rituals can also be tremendously helpful actions in coping. Although my sister’s grave site is across the country, I was able to dedicate a bench in her honor at a local park I love to visit. On her birthday and other milestones, it helps to sit and chat with her. For some people, making an altar or memorial scholarship provides a structure to their grief, or simply making a recipe or telling a special story, even if it’s been told many times before, can be helpful. And of course, don’t be afraid of tears. It is a natural release and a way of externalizing the deep well of emotions that live within us.
Be self loving and take care. Give yourself the time and space for grief without judgement. Pushing grief aside has a way of backfiring and prolonging the feeling of helplessness. Slow down and let yourself feel what is there. As the old Scottish song recognizes, “We’ll take a cup of kindness, yet, for Auld Lang Syne”.
