An interesting article came to my attention this week.  It described studies showing that people who brought their own shopping bags to the grocery store purchased both more environmentally friendly products, but also more unhealthy items, such as potato chips.  Say what?  Helping the environment leads us to eat more ice cream?  With further investigation it turns out it is actually not the shopping bags, but the reward we feel we deserve in remembering the shopping bags, that leads us to indulge.  (Being required to bring the bags eliminates the entitled behavior).  This indulging tendency is known as the licensing effect, and can subtly sabotage our good health behaviors.

The licensing effect is a term used in marketing and social psychology to describe the subconscious phenomenon wherein an increase in our self image tends to make us worry less about the consequences of subsequent choices, and therefore increases the likelihood to act in more negative ways.  In other words, people will allow themselves to indulge after doing something positive first. Drink a diet soda – order dessert.  Go for a hike – have a cheeseburger for lunch.  Licensing has a permissive effect and can lead to poor choices and eventually unintended consequences.

Well, I’m thinking, that explains a few things I’ve always wondered about, such as why every time I pay off a large bill I order myself a little something from Amazon.  Or why my husband always has a chicken burrito for lunch the day he weighs himself and is happy to have lost a bit of weight.

According to the change expert BJ Fogg of Stanford, even the most successful among us are starved of feeling successful.  In his research, Fogg found that the feeling generated by success is disproportionately greater than the size of the accomplishment itself.  Using celebrations, then, as positive reinforcement can increase behavior change.  It builds motivation naturally.  In fact, BJ Fogg recommends creating a tiny celebration each time you engage in even a tiny step toward a larger behavior change.  His prescription is to say “I am awesome,”  fist pump, or raise your hands up in victory whenever you engage in a small victory of a step toward your behavior change.  Do a few push ups, tell yourself how great you are.  Floss your teeth, smile in the mirror and give yourself a thumbs up.  Not only do you acknowledge your behavior, but it actually releases chemicals in your brain to reinforce the neural loop of the behavior.

So, in applying this to our grocery bag to potato chip behavior chain, it occurs to me that licensing is a natural response in which we create a reward for the success of remembering our bags.  We are hungry for the feeling of success, not the potato chips (or the new book when I pay off my credit card bill).  Therefore it makes sense that in order to avoid the unintended consequences of “indulging,” we could actively create a reward that will fill the need, such as Fogg’s “celebration.”  If we give ourselves the reward and “atta-girl” feeling, it will bring our attention to our “licensing” attitude and help us avoid the trap.

How about we try out some small celebrations of our own this week?   Let’s see how it feels to add a little touchdown endzone dance when we take out the garbage or decline a piece of cheesecake.  It might just help us to avoid the self sabotage of indulgence and if nothing else, it will make our lives a little more fun!

We usually think about role models in terms of our children and who they are being influenced by and how.  But as our country moved through another peaceful transfer of power, it made me reflect on the last eight years of President Obama.  I have been surprised at, separate from the politics, how much I will miss the man.  His leadership style and his behavior have quietly affected me and provided a role model for my own behavior and attitudes as both a leader and as a citizen.

Psychologists have studied and documented for many years how much our behavior is influenced by observing others.  We are huge copy-catters, without even realizing it.  But we not only copy individual behaviors, but we tend to take on sets of behaviors.  Public figures most often become role models because they have such visibility in our culture, especially with social media.  We are exposed to images and words about what they are doing and thinking most every day, and this has a big effect on what we wear, what we purchase, what we think is appropriate or acceptable, and what we ourselves will choose to do.  If they are successful, they must be doing things in the “right” way.

So I want to acknowledge President Obama for his influence on me.  He became an example of a calm and assured, yet compassionate leader.  He understood the importance of words, in how they can motivate and how they can hurt.  He was careful in showing his strength when necessary, in speaking strongly, and in showing his vulnerability, shedding a tear or even being fiesty when challenged.  I did not always agree with him, but I never doubted that he had put a lot of thought into his decisions.  He took his responsibilities seriously not only for his fellow citizens,  but for future generations. I always trusted he had considered consequences, had consulted with others, and was making a decision for the best possible outcome for what he believed to be the common good.   And he demonstrated that being smart, articulate, and studious was not mutually exclusive to being cool.  I enjoyed reading about his basketball games and watching the way he seemed to effortlessly saunter down the steps of Airforce1 while smiling and buttoning his jacket. (I have to defer on that one, I will never be able to be that cool).  Who can forget how he snatched that fly out of thin air during an interview or how he could poke fun at himself while breaking into his “I got game” toothy smile.

What I also appreciate about President Obama was how he carried himself with such composure, but also never separated himself from being an everyday man.  His relationship with Michelle and his children was so obviously close, respectful, and he lived a family dynamic that was mutual and collaborative. He integrated and reflected on his many identities as a father, husband, son, black man, and fellow American.  And I will never forget how he spoke about his difficulty when he quit smoking.  His public battle with his smoking habit has been mentioned by a participant in every quit smoking class I have taught in the past eight years.

But most of all, for me personally, it is his respect and inspiration around public service that I have been most influenced by.  His belief in leadership as service directly impacted my own perspective in how I approach my work and my life.  I am more thoughtful, more ego-less and more willing to risk my own interests for the pursuit and responsibility of the common good as both a leader and as a person.  I am grateful for his example as a human being and for providing so many young people, as well as us older people, with a broader range of what is possible for them and for us all.

It is our nature as humans to be social and to absorb the attitudes and behaviors of others.  We worry about this for our kids, seeking out opportunities for positive influences and guarding  them from negative ones.  But perhaps in our role as their role models, we need to acknowledge our own influences and be mindful of how we choose them.  We show them through our own behavior who to pay attention to and who to admire.  I am so very thankful to President Obama for being a President I am proud to watch and learn from.

I stopped at the store last night to pick up a few things, and what I thought would take just  two minutes took fifteen because of having to sort through the fifty brands and options of each item.  Who knew there could be so many choices in just buying tangerines and beans?  Our lives are so busy and full of constant competing demands that sometimes our exhaustion at the end of the day is simply from the number of choices we have to make.  It is no wonder that research shows that in order to be successful in sticking to a routine or enacting a new one, simplicity is a key.

President Obama, in making his transition to leader of the free world, decided he would only wear two colors of suits, blue and gray.  According to the President, “I’m trying to pare down decisions.  I don’t want to make too many decisions about what I’m eating or wearing because I have too many decisions to make.”

So when we think about adding in a new behavior that we know will be good for us, how do we make it simple enough not to add to our overwhelm?  One technique is the “add on” technique, which is a way to link a new behavior to one you already do, starting small and building up to the goal desired.

Let’s say I decide I want to start doing some strength exercises, but I keep forgetting or avoiding them.  The first step is to decide what point in my day would be best to build it in.  I decide it would be good in the morning before I get dressed, because my schedule gets out of control and I am tired at the end of the day.  Also, I like the feeling of having done something I feel good about before I leave the house.  Next, I decide just one exercise I would like to do.  I am going to start with push ups.  Now, I link it to a behavior I already do each morning.  For me, I alway go to my dresser when I get dressed in the morning, so I put my push up bars in front of my dresser.  This way, each morning when I go to get dressed, there is a cue there to remind me to do my push ups.

I need to start small, which is fortunate, because I can only do a few.  It only takes a minute or two and is something I can do.  After I get used to doing these push ups, I plan to add one more.  Then I’ll add one more, until I reach my goal of 20.  Then, when I have built in my push up attempt routine, I can add a few sit ups.  Then I can alter my days with a few squats.  The point is to take a behavior that is already a part of my routine and link something very small and manageable to add to it.

Another example would be flossing your teeth. Choose the time of day you already regularly brush your teeth and would feel best about adding it in, like the evening.  Now, when you put your toothbrush away in the morning, just pull a short string of floss out and wrap it around your tooth brush. This will cue you to floss when you take out your toothbrush in the evening.  Then, start with just a few teeth, like your molars.  Then add on a few more as you become used to laying out your floss and flossing your molars.  Over time, you will build up to flossing your teeth and it will become your new habit.

The Add On Technique involves the qualities of behavior change that have proven to bring success, or what is known as the 3 R’s.  It involves a Reminder and a Routine.  The third R is Reward.  So make sure after you reach a goal, for me it will be 20 push ups, to add in a Reward!  And while everything else is simple, perhaps this is the area we can have a little fun. While doing my push ups I can dream about what I will do when I hit my goal.  As of now, I am at six full push ups (with the other 14 on my knees), so I think I have some time…

Every January fitness centers and gyms see their membership numbers jump and the parking lots fill up.  While it’s wonderful that so many people feel energized and motivated with the opportunity for a fresh start in the New Year, it always makes me sad to know the statistic that the average person who signs up for a new gym membership will no longer be going in March.  So with this reality, how can we help our good intentions last and avoid wasting money and feeling guilty every time the gym membership automatic payment goes through?

It’s easy to be swept up in the appeal of a New Year.  It provides a clean slate and a fresh start.  Unfortunately, we also tend to be swept up in thinking that the new year will bring a new us.  I know for myself, I can easily get drawn into some magical thinking that just by declaring a new me with new behaviors, the deed will be done.  And it does work for the first week, and maybe if I’m lucky, the first month, which makes me think it’s all about my willpower.  But day by day, my true life settles in and I realize that my New Year still holds my old life, full of my old responsibilities and stresses and all the reasons that led to my overeating and skipping workouts and canceling my mammogram appointments, etc.  I get angry with myself and resigned that I just don’t have the willpower anymore and may never have enough to live as I would hope.

But research over the past few years has shown something important that may be a key to helping us sustain our effort.  It is not about willpower.  Willpower is not enough and can not sustain us through the realities of our stressful lives.  The best way to be effective in maintaining our change is not magical, not fresh, and not new.  The people who are most successful at making change are able to address the realities of their lives and rather than creating a new life, make a plan for how to incorporate change into their already existing one.  In general, this means small changes, day by day, step by step.  It also means assessing and planning each day for the next day’s challenges and being flexible to maintain our best effort given our limitations.

For example, a woman I know who has a busy job and kids decided she was going to lose weight by working out in the morning before her family got up and also do a low carb diet.  She was so excited about this as she had read about the quick weight loss that can be obtained by this combination.  And it “worked” for the first month, as she was so happy to report losing 5 pounds.  What  was also happening, however, was a lack of sleep and a lot of extra stress in cooking and shopping for her new diet, as she found she had to make several types of meals for her various family members.  By the end of the second month, she was more stressed, losing sleep in the morning from getting up so early, and staying up late to prepare several lunches and meals for the next day.  This effort wore her down, and by the end of the second month, she was “cheating” by eating out more often, and stressed by the money she was spending on extra meals.  She was also cranky and overslept some days, and then got injured because she tried to over exercise on the weekend to make up for the morning workouts she slept through.  The result was weight loss stagnation, a strained hamstring, along with  a lot of frustration and disappointment.

So good for us as we start the new year with some good intentions, but let’s also be real with ourselves about the old life we bring into the New Year.  Rather than thinking about being 15 pounds lighter and wearing the cute summer dress for the BBQ in July, just think about tomorrow.  What is your day really going to look like?  What does the week ahead hold in store?  How can you make a plan that will be reasonable and doable, with small changes that won’t lead to rebellion or defeat?

Rather than thinking in terms of a New Year, it is actually more effective to think of a new day.  What do you need to take care of you as best as possible for this day, finding balance and involving small efforts that you are likely to feel good about it?  And what will you enjoy?  If you don’t like going to the gym, don’t join one!  Just because there was a great deal, think about tomorrow:  Would you rather go to the gym or go for a walk with your best friend?  Because as the tomorrows pass by, if you enjoy the todays, you will be much more likely to be doing it in March, when all the gyms are empty!

At the stroke of midnight, after counting down and kissing loved ones, we sing Auld Lang Syne.  This old Scottish tune written by Robert Burns in 1788, is used in the tradition to bid farewell to the old year.  By extension, it is also sung at funerals and graduations and at the close of occasions, including Boy Scout jamborees, I just learned.  It poses the question of how we move forward and maintain relation to those we leave behind:  “Should Old Acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind?”  New Years for many is a bittersweet time.  Especially for those of us who have lost someone dear to us, the marking of a new year naturally brings up sadness for those we leave behind.

Grief comes in waves.  There is no timetable to it and it surely is not a straight line of feeling better every day.  I can personally say that after 22 years of grieving for my sister, I have good days and bad, good years and bad ones.  But I can also say that, as other people assured me would happen, although the pain remains, I have learned to live with it.  In some ways the grief is like a familiar friend, a reminder of the connection I still have to this important relationship.  It can still be pretty darn painful, though, and there are surprising times when a memory, sound, or even a scent can bring me back as if it just happened yesterday,

Honoring your grief is vital.  Grief is not an illness that we need to avoid or be free of to be healthy.  It is a natural response that reflects the love and attachment that gives meaning to our lives. Close relationships help regulate our daily psychological and physical functioning.  The loss of them can leave us feeling less in control and disoriented.

Common to grief, even after many years, is exhaustion.  We often underestimate how we can physically manifest the complex emotions we have as we grieve.  We also tend to have difficulty thinking clearly.  Especially in the early stages of grief, making decisions and remembering even the simplest of things can be difficult.  Grief often is accompanied by feelings of loneliness and isolation.  The world can feel like it is moving on without us and our loved one.  We may have a lot of ambivalence about moving on, feeling that each step “forward” is a step away from the person who is no longer with us. We may feel pressure from the rest of the world to “move on.”

When someone we love dies, the loss is permanent and so is our grief.  We can find a new normal, however, that incorporates our feelings of loss and our desire to keep the memory of our loved one an active presence in the world.  There are many ways that people effectively do this, and finding a best way for your situation is important.  Going to a grief support group can be helpful.  It provides a place to talk about what you are feeling with other people who understand.  Developing rituals can also be tremendously helpful actions in coping. Although my sister’s grave site is across the country, I was able to dedicate a bench in her honor at a local park I love to visit.  On her birthday and other milestones, it helps to sit and chat with her.  For some people, making an altar or memorial scholarship provides a structure to their grief, or simply making a recipe or telling a special story, even if it’s been told many times before, can be helpful.  And of course, don’t  be afraid of tears.  It is a natural release and a way of externalizing the deep well of emotions that live within us.

Be self loving and take care.  Give yourself the time and space for grief without judgement.  Pushing grief aside has a way of backfiring and prolonging the feeling of helplessness.  Slow down and let yourself feel what is there.  As the old Scottish song recognizes, “We’ll take a cup of kindness, yet, for Auld Lang Syne”.