Congratulations, we made it!  This past week was the winter solstice, marking the shortest day and longest night of the year in the Northern Hemisphere.  Technically, the solstice is a result of the earth’s tilt of 23.5 degrees on its vertical axis.  Due to this tilt, the Earth’s north and south do not receive equal amounts of sunlight as the Earth orbits around the sun.  The most direct sunlight shifts occur in the middle to higher latitudes, leading to what we experience as the change of seasons.  Discovered in early civilizations, the solstice is celebrated not only for the transition it represents, but for the emotional and even spiritual reaction it evokes.

The term “solstice” derives from the Latin word “solstitium”, meaning “sun standing still.”  On this day, the sun seems to stand still at the point of the Tropic of Capricorn, and then reverses its direction as it reaches its southernmost position as seen from the Earth.  This exact day has been marked with significance by many cultures.  Stonehenge, the prehistoric monument located in Wiltshire, is carefully aligned on a site-line for the solstice.  Archaeologists believe it was built from 3000 BC to 2000 BC.  People still gather at this site to mark the passing of the day and what would be the beginning of winter preparations.  In Ancient Rome, as far back as 217 BCE, the winter festival Saturnalia lasted for seven days during which banquets were held for the father of the gods, Saturn.  The Feast of Juul was a pre-Christian festival observed in Scandinavia.  People would light fires to symbolize the heat and light of the returning sun, and a Juul log (or Yule, yes that is where it comes from)  was brought in and dropped in the fire as a tribute to the Norse god Thor.  Iranians celebrate Yalda as the renewal of the sun and the victory of light over darkness. On the solstice, the sun was thought to be reborn, being saved from the claws of the devil, as seen as the darkness.  In Guatemala on this day, the ritual of Palo Volador, or the flying pole dance is completed.  Three men climb on the top of a 50 foot pole. One man plays a drum and flute while the other two men wind a rope attached to the pole around their foot.  They jump, and if they land on their feet, it is believed the sun god is pleased and the sun will triumph.

I feel a comfort in joining the generations of people celebrating the solstice.  I can almost feel a physical sense of relief as we arrive at the turning point and pivot to what feels like an awakening from winter slumber.  In the dark days I am tired, feeling that the world is closing down and I am along with it.  As the shift happens from the shortening to the lengthening of daylight, it reminds me that the return and renewal from darkness happens in small slow increments, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.   And that no matter how dark it seems to be, there will be, in good time,  a reliable and inevitable shift to returning brightness.  Every solstice I am reassured that our lives move in cycles and seasons.  There are dark times, but there will eventually be light.  It is also a comfort for me to realize that while it is the darkest and longest night for us right now, somewhere on the opposite side of our Earth it is the longest and brightest day of the year for others.  In the earth’s rotation, both the blessing of light and the burdens of darkness are shared;  we all have our times and our seasons.

I was at our local YMCA the other day, the gym where I attempt to work out, and was complaining with another member about the impending closure for refurbishing.  “Really?”  I lamented.  “Closed the week before Christmas, with all the parties and holiday eating?”  I was outraged, a sense of betrayal building.  “Yeah,” my partner in whining said,  “With all our family around, I guess they just expect us to sit home and stress eat all the holiday baking.”  We both suddenly burst out laughing, realizing the absurdity of our logic.  As if with this one bit of news every possible way to exercise and reduce our stress had been taken away from us.

This episode got me thinking about excuses.  How often do we find an excuse conveniently available for the taking?  When something goes wrong it’s so easy to dive into righteous indignation and victimhood.  How often do I take the easy way out, using a setback as a way to avoid what was difficult to do in the first place?

Excuses are choices, just like any other course of action.  But they can be subtle and so very appealing, as they don’t appear as a choice.  As the very wise old saying suggests, we can’t control what other people do, but we can control our reactions to it.  Yes, the Y being closed was a pain in the neck.  It made it so I have to make more of an effort to find a way to work out.  On the bright side, in doing so, I am giving it a lot more thought and attention.  I am considering my options and making a plan.  The truth is, if the Y was going to be open, there is no guarantee that in a dark, rainy, busy week, that I would make there.  Now, because of the closure, I made a definite commitment to working out.

So now I am on the lookout for excuses.  My hope is to be more aware of the times I give up without fight or find a rationalization for not doing what I know might take more effort or be temporarily uncomfortable, but will help me reach my goal.  It is in these small excuses, these real choices, that my progress will be measured.  So, if you’re free next week, join me and my Y mate for a jaunt around Spring Lake.  Just make sure you bring your flashlight.

I ‘ve been wondering a lot this week about self perception and its influence.  I was noticing how on any given day, depending on how I feel, my sense of myself can vary.  And because of it, I engage in the world somewhat differently. If I’m feeling good about myself, I’m more outgoing and engaged, more confident and willing.  On the not so good days, I’m more tentative, more likely to doubt myself and then hold back.  So how much does my behavior, based on my self perception, influence my reality in ways that will reinforce my belief?

Distortions in self perception are a common topic in my work with clients.  Many people internalize a view of themselves that is critical and downright cruel.  Their self judgments are so harsh, they can’t possibly think that they are lovable or deserving of compassion.  They compare themselves, seeing only the beautiful in others and the ugly in themselves.  Based on this evaluation, they hide out, choose less than ideal partners, or refrain from engaging in or initiating positive things.

One woman encouraged me to watch a video put out by Dove (ok, yes, it is marketing, but well worth it).  In the video, a police sketch artist is employed to show people the difference between how they describe themselves and how someone they have just met in the waiting area describes them.  The sketch artist never sees the person, only working from the two descriptions.  Then they put the drawings side by side, and the results are powerful.  Even more powerful is watching the participants look at the contrast of the two drawings and see how their own perception is much harsher, including “older” and “fatter.”

How would we be different if we saw ourselves without our negative filters or distortions?  What if we approached the world as if we were beautiful people, confident, and capable?  How would we behave differently?  Who would we talk to, what activities would we engage in, and how would our lives be different?  There is the old corny saying, “smile and the world smiles with you.”  But research shows this is true.  People who are comfortable with themselves invite people toward them with their demeanor and make other people feel liked and comfortable, too.

As I get older it’s definitely easier for me to be more consistent in my sense of self.  I have more years of experience, I suppose, in knowing who I am.  In addition, the stability in this phase of my life helps.  But whenever I try something new, meet new people in an important social setting, or take on new role or challenge, the insecurity seeps in.  When I start to worry more about what other people are thinking of me, the self judgments are prone to pop up.  That is the time I need to ask myself, how would I be different without these negative beliefs?  The challenge is then in letting them go, and being the person I would prefer to believe I am.

When you look in the mirror, who do you see?  Is it really you, or is it your judgments?  When you remember your performance in a meeting or a conversation, is it what really happened, or is a memory distorted by your fears?  Don’t believe everything you think.  It may be a bumper sticker (that’s where I saw this phrase), but it doesn’t mean it isn’t true.

Check out the Dove Real Beauty video on you tube:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=litXW91UauE

Ok, there is a hilarious parody about men out there, now, too: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8Jiwo3u6Vo

The holiday season is full of festivity, but it also has its costs.   Feeling the loss of a loved one, financial burdens, or loneliness can be make you feel like the world is celebrating without you.  And even for the most party hardy, the extra food, travel, expenses, and busy scheduling can take a toll. Before the Thanksgiving turkey is even digested,  plans are being made for the next holiday- shopping lists, travel plans, social plans, and meal plans. So, as we count down to the New Year, along with your other lists and plans, I encourage you to give yourself the gift of a Wellness Plan.

This blog post is inspired by Nelson Robles, MSW, a kind and gentle man who works with me at my clinic running our Depression and Anxiety group.  As the seats are filling up this time of year, Nelson helps each person in the group to create a personalized Wellness Plan.  What the member’s find is that instead of feeling a victim to the season, by focusing on a plan of wellness, it empowers them to take proactive steps to navigate through. It helps each person identify their vulnerabilities and develop options that can serve as protective factors for the stresses they face.

There are many ways to make a Wellness Plan, but one of the simplest is the Bubble Method.  Take a blank piece of paper and draw about five medium size circles with room to write inside them.  Then begin to label each circle with an area of your life that may be of concern during the month ahead.  For example, circles might be labeled:  food, money, exercise, anger, and work. Try to narrow your choices down to the top priorities.  If you have too many circles, that alone will be stressful.  Then, begin to brainstorm some ideas for each of the categories of how you can take care of yourself in this area.  Wellness is the key.  The plan is not about fixing all your problems,  the goal is maintaining equanimity through a challenging period of time.  Now write your ideas in each of the five circles, using an action word in the positive.  For example, “I will eat protein for two meals a day” or “I will take a break from my house guests by taking a solo walk in the afternoon,”  instead of “I won’t eat too much,” or “I won’t let my brother make me angry.”.  

Try to come up with a few action plans for each area that you are concerned about.  Start by choosing one or two to implement and then build up as the month goes on.  Try to prioritize the items that will give you the most pleasure or relief.  For example, walking with your friend will give you social time, stress relief as well as exercise.  This Wellness Plan will not only be your guide and your source of inpiration, it will help you check in with yourself and maintain your attention on what tends to get dropped or forgotten in the hustle and bustle.  Don’t lose you in the midst of the season’s expectations.  Plan your well being, and be well with your plan.